Everything is so messed up right now. My feelings for him have yet to change. He gets jealous of other guys. He'll say things that are so obviously from jealousy, but denies being jealous. He took me through his hometown a few days ago on our way to Binghamton. Showed me where he grew up. We share a spoon while eating ice cream from the carton. We share drinks and food at the restaurant. We go out to eat all the time. And yet he claims to have no feelings for me. The only thing actual couples do that we don't is hug and kiss. My dad says he is having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that not every woman is like his mother, with whom he has a piss-poor relationship. He said to give Zach an ultimatum, either you like me or you're out of here. Coming from someone who had a piss-poor relationship with his mother, my dad's advice is certainly something to think about. But I don't know. I can't understand Zach. And I wish so fucking much that I knew for sure whether I should keep waiting or move on. I wouldn't mind waiting and working on us if I knew he definitely still had feelings and would come around to wanting me again. But if I knew, one hundred percent, that he is completely over and there is no hope of winning him back over, I could commit to moving on. But not knowing for sure, I keep wavering. Because he'll say things like, "I have no feelings," as well as, "I'm going to stand outside the bar, looking through the window with binoculars." He's torturing me. Absolutely torturing me.

McKayla is getting annoyed with him. Megan and Mary Ann hate him for using me. John thinks I need to kick him out. Everyone is, rightfully so, against him. And in all fairness, I know he should go. I know I'll never have a single hope in getting over him if I live with him. I know some space and distance would be good for us if I truly want anything between us to work. But he has no one in his corner. He dislikes and has no respect for his mother and older brother. He was absolutely miserable in Buffalo. As unhappy as he is now, here, he'd be worse off there. His alleged friend since elementary school would have let him freeze to death in the snow than let him stay with her. He has no one. I care about him more than anyone. Of course I care enough to want to be there for him and be the one person in his corner. That is why I'll never kick him out. I just wish he'd make the decision to move out on his own. I wish he would hear me when I tell him looking at him is painful because I still have feelings for him. I wish he would hear me when I tell him I cry myself to sleep and would rather sleep on the couch than a cold, empty bed. I wish he would hear me when I tell him that I'm mad at him for not giving me a second chance. I wish he would hear me when I tell him he doesn't get to be jealous when he tells me he has no feelings for me. But he doesn't. And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm being torn in ten directions all at once and I'm beyond stretching; I'm beginning to tear.