I've found the difficultly in love. Falling in love with him was easy, effortless, natural. But staying in love with him, learning to move past the things I don't like, and continuously reminding myself why I love him gets hard sometimes. Sometimes, he reminds me without even trying. The cute little things he says, his humor, the way he loves me. God, how have I gotten so lucky? He's fucking everything. And for once, it's not scary to love him. I know it's not going to destroy me, like with Ethan or Lazar. This is real love. And wow, it's amazing.

Like, gushing to my friends about him makes it real, and it's just an amazing feeling. To be able to do that. To know that I'm one half of something huge and amazing.

Mother fucker, everyone should be in love! The world would be an amazing place if everyone felt as happy as I do!

What is my brain doing!

Mother fucker. A couple nights ago, I had a really sweet and romantic dream about a dark-haired guy. He and another guy were sitting at a table in a kitchen or something, in front of a fridge. I think there was a short, old woman at the fridge. And I kept walking by them, so eventually, I dragged the dark-haired guy with me. He was in a rolly chair. But I think we were flirting, and we didn't want to do it in front of the old lady any more, and I'm like, can I just drag him with me like this? What will the woman think? But I did. And I pulled him on top of me on a couch. And we were kissing. Or something. Like, hardcore, but sweet. Then we were in a bedroom. Naked. But we didn't have sex or anything. We were cuddling, and he was feeding me something. It was very sexual. But there was no sex. It was weird.

But, the problem is he had dark hair. Not the blond hair he should have had!! And I talked to Damon yesterday about how it bothered me that it wasn't him in the dream. He told me not to worry about it, but I did. It should have been him. Why is there a dark-haired guy in my subconscious? What the fuck, brain?

I was thinking maybe my brain just needs some time to keep up. I had this problem before, when I had a dream about Ethan after I decided I was over it. Rin had said that my brain needed time to catch up. So I was convinced that that was the problem. Or, because Damon and I just don't feel real. It still feels surreal, like it's impossible for someone to actually love me the way I've always wanted to be loved. Then, before I went to bed, I wondered if it's because my brain is trying to protect myself. I dreamed of that dark-haired guy because it's easier to use a make-believe guy than to actually admit that what Damon and I have is real.

And then last night I had a dream about his cousin Collin. His fucking cousin. I made plenty of references to Damon in the dream. Like, something about either he wouldn't know or he'd be okay with it or just plain fuck him. Because I really wanted to sleep with Collin. His cousin's a virgin, and like, I told him that I knew. He wouldn't sleep with me. He wanted to, but I think he was afraid because he was a virgin. And I'm like, we're the same in that aspect, you know. Like, I kept trying to seduce him.

Message received, brain. Message fucking received. I can't just say it was a random, faceless guy anymore. Collin wasn't the one in the first dream. I know that much. He was definitely in the second one, though. But fucking why? What the fuck is that goddamn brain of mine trying to tell me? It couldn't have used any other guy. It couldn't have been the same guy, or another faceless guy, or a guy I know from anywhere else in my life. It had to be his fucking cousin.

I really just don't know what to think about this. Or what to do. My subconscious is trying to tell me something. I"m convinced of that. I don't even think of his cousin that way. I never have. And I didn't think of him at all yesterday. Mother fucker.

Every day, I fall a little more in love with him. It's so scary. I love him so much, it makes me cry.

But I would never trade this feeling for anything in the world. Love truly is the ultimate experience, and I know this only because of him. I will never be able to show him how grateful I am that he is in my life.

But I will certainly give it my all trying. Honestly, nothing has ever felt like this. Part of me is ready to say forever. But another part is saying don't curse it, it'll hurt more. The other part is saying shut up and just love him.

And I think that is what I'll do.

Out of seven billion people on this planet, how did I find him? How have I gotten so lucky to have crossed paths with him? I don't understand. When people meet their true loves, it's pure magic. Because there's nothing about the way I feel that isn't magical. And just the fact that I've found him, and he feels the same way, is like... Wow. I thought this kind of love only existed in books and movies.

Nope. It's real. It exists in our hearts.

And for once, I don't have the desire to try and bring myself down or dig into depression. I'm not trying to find something wrong with this or ruin the euphoria. I'm still cynical and pessimistic. But I feel great. Maybe I still feel depressed. But love is a more powerful feeling.

It's just amazing.

It's the strangest feeling to love reality so much that I don't want to live in a dream. For the first time ever, I want to actually do something to make something work. I actually feel the ambition to make an effort.

I'm just afraid that I'm putting too much on one thing. Something so fragile that could end at any moment. What happens if that happens?

My happiness should not depend on the love from someone else.

But it's his love that is giving me this spark of hope. And you have no idea how absolutely amazing, how purely perfect this feels.

I may have loved in the past, but I have never been in love. Not like this.

And it's never been reciprocated in this way. I almost feel like this is real.

I want this to be forever. Because he is everything I want, and everything I need, and everything I never knew I wanted or needed. He's everything.

It seems too good to be true. Something has to be wrong. It was almost easy. It really is easy to love him. It's scary as I realize how much he means to me. But the feelings come naturally. I thought love was harder than this?

The only hard part is trusting that I could mean anything to him. I'm afraid that when he gets to really know me, I'm going to disappoint him.

Is this what makes love hard, or am I complicating something that should be so much easier?

He said we'll figure this out together. That, in itself, is another terrifying concept. Working out a relationship with another human being.

But tonight, I will actually fall sleep, not wishing to be someone else or to be in another life. I don't know if I know how to handle this. It feels weird.