God, it’s been so long since I was on this little computer. Do I miss it? Yeah, somewhat. It’s so little! The keyboard isn’t as good as my new one. I used to like it, but now it just sounds clunky. It’s hard to explain.

Music is great! If I could go back and re-do my life, or at least re-plan my college education, I’d go to Purchase first. Double-major in Creative Writing and French. Minor in maybe computer science, something music, or both. The only downfall would be I would never have met Jess. I wouldn't want Jess not in my life. She's my bestest buddy. So I guess the only good thing about screwing up my college education and not getting everything I wanted out of it is that I get an amazing friend from it. A friend I don't always deserve.

I really did screw up my college education. I'm only getting writing out of it. Not French, like I always dreamed. Nothing with computers or graphics or web design like I really wanted. I didn't even do anything with music, like I recently thought would have been cool. I've really wasted these five years studying shit I couldn't care less about, minus the writing. Sometimes I hate myself and my fucked up decisions.

But to keep myself from crying and stressing over the shit I've done, I have to believe that I did it all for a reason. Or I was influenced or whatever for a reason. That somehow, in the long run, it will work out for the best. I mean, I got a bestest buddy out of starting, and fucking up, at Herkimer. Maybe not getting the French and/or music degrees will somehow do something for me in the future.

I really don't think so, though. And it really depresses me to think that I didn't get all out of Purchase that I wanted to.

Yuck. All that garbage about love, it's disgusting. Man oh man. How did I let myself get that crazy?

I don't know what happened. Sometime last semester, after Thanksgiving maybe, something changed. Then by December, I had had enough. The over-used clichés, the not being able to be his top priority, the age difference... Everything just got to be too much and I didn't want it any more. I fell out of love. I think the loss of the feeling was worse to deal with than the loss of the guy himself.

Is that bad? Sad? Life?

I broke up with him in the middle of December, the week of the fifteenth. I can't remember what day exactly. I felt so much better, though. He got mad, then he was okay, then he texted me the next day as if nothing had happened. My mistake: I told him I'd always love him. I think I was lying even at that point, but I was still trying to convince myself. So I eventually had to tell him that we couldn't text every day anymore, because it felt too much like I had accomplished nothing. Then we hardly talked for a while.

Now, he keeps texting me like we're still close friends. I don't want to be at this point anymore, though. He says he still loves me, like he really does. And I don't know how to tell him that those feelings are gone for me. I don't really care about him anymore. He just stresses me. He's becoming clingy, and I can't stand that.

I feel like such a dick for wanting him to let me go. I even asked him if he had a new girlfriend, and suggested he get one. He's like, "No thank you!" And I'm just like, meh. Fuck.

Do I still believe we're meant to be together? I sure hope not. There's just so much about him that I won't be able to deal with for the rest of my life. Part of it is probably because he's young and immature, but that leads me to another big problem. I just can't get over how much younger than me he is. I won't give numbers, but it's a bigger one than I ever wanted. I know age is but a number and it means nothing, but I don't like younger guys. A year or two is my max. I want someone older. Taller is a must, which he is, but he's not older. Five years older is like the max. One to three is preferable. In the end, it's the guy that matters, not his age.

But in this case, his age is just another thing added to a long list of things that are just not favorable. The top ones are his racism, homophobia, and prejudices. I'm not a race, sexuality, or religion he discriminates against, but that's not the point. I'm so hardcore for equal rights that just one of these things in a guy bothers me. But when he has all three, it's like... I can't tolerate it. I want to just beat all those thoughts from his head, but at the same time, I don't want to change him. I want to better him as a human, but I don't want to change him as a boyfriend.

There are so many reasons why I fell out of love with him, but I think those are among the top. He blames the fact that he's from Texas. But I tell him he needs to grow up and accept responsibility.

Maybe being raised in the north has helped me be more open to things. Maybe it's one of the few things my parents did right in raising me. Maybe I am this way because it's my nature. Who knows. But I'm so hardcore for individual equality that it gets in the way of things. But hey, you gotta be passionate for something, otherwise what is your life?