I don't yell as often. I'm giving him his space. I love him living here. But I don't think he loves it. He seems miserable, and there's nothing I can do. I would give anything for us to be okay. I'm sleeping on the couch. He's in my bed. Except the past couple nights, I've slept in the bed and he's taken the couch, but only because I was doped up on Zzzquil, which I've been taking too much of lately.

I try to drink with him to maybe reconnect with him, but it backfires each time. I get a little too close and he pushes me away. Or, at least, that's what it seems. But it feels like rejection and it causes me to shut down because it hurts. It cuts into my soul, and I feel the sting in my heart. Almost always, I immediately go to bed. I chug Zzzquil and sleep for way too long. It's unhealthy. I know it's destroying me and numbing me. I seek attention from my male coworkers to fill the void. I'm not physically doing anything with them yet, but I already have plans to go out with one next payday. I mentioned it tonight in front of Zach, but said I was going with coworkers, plural. I don't know if I want to tell Zach I'm going out with another guy yet. If I was a hundred percent certain it would work to my benefit, I'd bring it up in a heartbeat. But I'm so afraid it'll push him away more. He doesn't seem like the type to fight for what he wants. He has too little motivation and self-confidence for that.

So what do I do? I don't cry anymore at the thought of not being able to kiss him, even though I would give anything to feel his lips on mine just once more. I would kill to have his hands all over me. I still do anything for him. But the other night I asked him how long we're going to live like this, with me doing everything for him. All he said was he was going to start applying for jobs more often. I think he actually did apply for some today. But that's not what I care about. Money is just money. Love is what I want. Affection. Attention. I don't want to just be roommates. I don't know if he knows for sure, but I keep dropping hints. I'm not good at just coming out and saying what I want. Mostly because I don't know when a good time to say something is, and partly because I hate confrontation. But sometimes it gets bottled up too long and I burst and my message is delivered, but both too late and not in an effective way. So it's pointless. But I don't think Zach wants to know that I want him and I'm in misery having to live with someone for which I have unrequited feelings. I don't entirely want him to know it, either, because then he might leave. And he has no where else to go.

I'm so stuck right now. So torn. I don't know what to do.

It's been too long since I've written. 2017 was a rough year for me. After I broke up with Shawn, I got myself into some trouble. John M. He was a supervisor, so above me in the chain of command. We both could've gotten fired for what we did. We kissed in the back room. I visited him in his car at the top of the parking lot, where cameras couldn't reach. I almost fell for him before coming to my senses. His wife was pregnant.

Then there was Spencer. A huge waste of time he was, much like Shawn. At first, while he was still in the hospital for suicidal thoughts, we connected. He was amazing. We could talk for hours on the phone. After he got out, everything went downhill. We met. He took my virginity. We drank too much and he pushed me too often. I spent so much money on gas for him. He didn't have a job the entire time we went out, so I paid for everything. He got mad when I said I couldn't, because he was like, but you have a job and I don't. I broke up with him because I drove almost an hour and a half to visit him, and he hid away in his game room to play Call of Duty. If he had played in the living room, that would've been fine. At least we could've been near each other. But he stuck his headphones on and shut the door. It took him between thirty to sixty minutes (can't remember) to realize I was gone. That was a rough break-up.

But even before I was done with Spencer, there was Zach. Just before I started spending time with him, I mentioned to McKayla that I don't fall for guys like I used to. Ethan, Vic, Lazar. I fell stupidly head-over-heels for them. I was hung up on Ethan for two years. But I could barely get through three months with either Spencer or Shawn. Then I fell for Zach.

Being with Zach has been both the most amazing thing ever to happen in my life, and the most destructive. I love him. I'm fully convinced. Stephanie once explained to me that love is the feeling I get when I look at Princess. And I get that feeling when I look at Zach. But I'm destroying him. He's destroying me. We're toxic together. But the thought of losing him leaves me unable to breathe. I feel like I'm holding him here, suffocating him, just because I don't want to lose him. I don't think he wants to be here anymore. I asked him last night why we used to cuddle watching movies but don't anymore. He said because I've screamed in his face too much. I've ruined what we had and I don't think we can get that back. Nothing kills me more than knowing I've ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. The thought of never getting him back brings me to a dark place. Just typing this now, I can't breathe. I try to inhale and I just can't. I don't entirely want to. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to find someone new. I don't want anything but him. I think he might know that, but that's not going to do anything. It's not going to change the fact that all I do is yell at him. Even still, after we talked about the fact that all I do is yell, I can't stop.