I just remembered I never got to attend my last day of school. My very last day of school, senior year. I missed that last walk that seniors do. At the very end of the day, the seniors line up and walk through the halls, and all the other students line the halls and clap for them. I never got to do that last walk.

Damn surgeries. I never went to prom, either. I missed so much in high school. I wish I was there for more. I even missed my freshman homecoming because I was in the hospital. I wish I could have had a normal life. Oh, what I wouldn't give... I'd keep my friends, though. I loved them. I'd just have a more normal experience. Sans hospitals, sans surgeries, sans alienation, sans depression.

I'm excited. My dad actually shows that he cares about me wanting to be a writer. He was talking to one of his friends from work, and they have a friend who is a published novelist. And my dad connected me with this writer. I'm so happy!

After all the years my dad never supported my piano playing, having him support my writing is just amazing. This is amazing. I love him :D

The Walking Dead. Life would be so empty without this. Daryl and Glenn... My favorite characters. Although, I'm starting to like Carl a lot more. I hate Maggie and Laurie.

Norman Reedus is the fucking sexiest man alive! My absolute favorite actor. Definitely comes before Logan Lerman. If Norman Reedus ever dies, I think I will cry. He's just so delicious-looking! Haha.

You know what is even more strange? By Tuesday (October 16), the pain was gone. I still thought about him occasionally. But I wasn't moping around like I was on Sunday. I didn't cry. I just went back to my usual feeling down. Not heartbroken. But after my dream, I really started to miss him. I wanted to talk to him. There's still a certain safety I feel when thinking or talking about him. It's really hard to explain. It's not like we had an official relationship, but whatever we had... The "love" we claimed we shared, there was something in that. Like I was half of something big. Half of the love that we both shared.

And I want that back.

It's amazing how consumed I can get by a message sent on Saturday from a man in Serbia.

And all he had to say is, "I still love you."

Fuck distance. Damn it. In my dream, we were together. Physically, not as a couple. And we were in either his room or my room. Or some living room-bedroom place. And his laptop was on a bed or a table or something. And somehow, with the press of a button, I unblocked myself and re-added myself to his contact list. With a heart next to my name. Or something like that. And it was weird, because I like tricked him or something. Pulled a fast one on him. And he was, like, not amused. I was laughing, though, because I was actually able to trick him. But I was joking, so, on his computer, I went to undo it and re-delete myself, but he stopped me. He casually told me not to. And it was at that point in my dream that I realized he and I were sitting next to each other. It was so weird.

Fuck, I miss him. And damn, I wish we were closer together. Why is the world such a big place?

I sent him an e-mail, saying, "Hey. Can we talk?" And I unblocked him on Skype, upon Ashley's suggestion. And apparently he send me a message on Saturday, saying that he still loves me. I guess he's online now, 'cause it just sent to me.

I don't know what to do. I've missed him. A lot. And last night, I had a dream about him. I don't know if I love him still. But I know I've missed him. So maybe I do still love him. I don't know.

What I do know is, I have a lot of homework I actually need to do.

He's gone. He's really just gone.
I cried for hours yesterday. I curled up on my bed and just cried. I was beating on my pillow. I was just broken.

I love him. And he's gone. All because I won't flash him on cam. How is that fair?

He claimed he loved me. But I know it's a lie. He didn't. If he did, he'd have talked to me instead of demanding I flash him.

But I still love him. I'll always love him. And it just hurts. I feel so empty. And I'm so mad. Mad at myself for letting it get this far. Mad at him for doing this to me. Mad at the world for existing.

This just wasn't fair. Why did he do this to me? He knew from the very beginning he wanted nothing but breasts. So why did he string me along? Why did he pretend to love me? He even said he'd never give up. That he'd never leave. That he was here for me forever. All lies.

I want to forget about him. I hate him. I hope he dies alone. I hope he'll never find another girl. I hope he's miserable for as long as he lives. I hope he'll always remember me, and I hope someday he'll wish he wasn't this way. I hope he'll change. I hope he'll send me an email and ask for my forgiveness.

And again I'm fucking crying. I hate this. It's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? All I did was love him. I did for him as much as I could. And what do I get in return? This. Heartache and pain. And no one here to help me. And no matter what he's put me through, I still want to curl up into his arms and forget the world exists. Forget Ethan. I'm finally over him. No, I want Lazar. And it's going to be a long healing process before I'm over him completely.

So I told Ashley and Becca today. Told them I cut. Told them how I love this Serbian guy, and that it's killing me. Did it help? Kind of. Because I finally could talk about it to someone. I also made an appointment with the counseling center. I kind of don't want to tell her, the personal counselor, that I cut. Because it's probably going to turn into this huge ordeal that is just gonna be too much of a hassle. But, oh well... I just don't know what else to do. My long weekend at home kind of helped. I wish I could go back. Like, all day, I've just been ready to cry. On the verge of breaking down. Which is why I accidentally opened my mouth to Becca and Ashley. I wish I didn't. I don't know them as well as I know McKayla, Sammy, and Jess. But I told them instead. Blah.

If anyone is even reading my blog, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about this shit. I'm sick of talking about this shit. But hey, no one's making you read my blog. You're willingly doing it. But, I'm going to try and talk less about Lazar and more about... Other things in my life.

Does he even listen to me? I was reading through conversations last night from the day we met. He didn't seem to listen to me at all. It made me so mad. And how do I feel about him now? I still fucking love him. Why? Because I'm stupid. Fucking stupid.
Thirteen minutes until class starts... Yuck. American History. I don't like it. I've got like five papers I gotta do for this class. Haha. And I should probably talk to my partner for this midterm assignment to see who we're going to interview. But, I'm too shy. And I don't feel like getting up.

Philosophy next! I love that class. Mostly, because of the guy I sit next to. Rafael. He's so damn sexy! I don't know if he's single, but I don't care. I'm too scared to talk to him anyways. But, I also love the class because it's a really interesting one. Now I know why this professor was so weird when I had him five semesters ago for English I. He's a frickin' philosophical professor.

After Philosophy, I have a midterm in Technical Writing. I hate that class... It's so fucking stupid and pointless. Oh well. Hopefully I'll pass this midterm.

I'm so bored. And tired. Why am I so tired? I want to go on an adventure. Like Lara Croft. Delve into some ancient, mystical tomb and discover some evil deity that I need to put back down. What I wouldn't give to be Lara Croft and live through a video game... Haha.

I have homework to do. But I just do not want to do it! Fuck homework!!

You know what just occurred to me last night? I've been into self-injury for a while. Yeah, this is really fucked up. But when I was a kid, I remember this one time when I was in time-out... You know the canisters of coffee, the ones you need to open with a can opener? Well, the top that was cut out with the can opener was laying on the counter next to where I stood in the corner. And I was mad or something, so I slid my thumbs along the sharp edge of the metal top. And I cut my thumbs. I did it on purpose. I knew what I was doing. And it hurt like a bitch. And for the next few days or whatever, I remember having a hard time eating peanuts, 'cause they were salty. Why I did this, I don't really remember. But I remember doing it. And it gets me thinking... That's exactly what I'm doing now with the razor.

And another thing, I love chewing my tongue and the inside of my cheeks. I love making my tongue bleed. I love the pain. More so when I was young, I would stand in front of the mirror and check out what I was biting off. I don't understand why I do this. I've just always done it.

Is this not something to be worried about? I don't know.

You know what I do know, though? I love Lazar. And it's not fair. What good does it do to love someone like this? It wasn't supposed to happen. When I talk to people on Omegle, it's just for quick entertainment. When I add them to Skype, AIM, or Kik, it's usually just to talk to them for a couple days, then forget about them. Hanna and Lazar are the only two exceptions. I finally cut Hanna out of my life. (After like three failed attempts in the past.) But Lazar... All I want to do is talk to him. I can't believe I've gotten this attached to a guy I met online, and this quickly. The Matt/Hanna thing was different, because it wasn't an online love thing, it was an online friend thing. But with Lazar... I didn't mean to fall for him. I didn't mean to love him. I never meant to get any closer than a few conversations. When I first met him, and he said he was from Serbia, I was thinking he was from the Middle East or something. Usually, I don't stay connected with people I meet online from that area. But then I realized Serbia wasn't in the Middle East. But still, I didn't expect to get this involved with him. I should have just stopped this before it got too far. I shouldn't have ever given him my Skype username. But I did. And now I can't undo it.

Gah! Do you know how sick of this I am? I was laying in bed last night, and I couldn't sleep. I was snuggled up to my teddy bear, but I didn't want my teddy bear there. I wanted Lazar there. I wanted to be snuggled up to him last night. I was so mad. I threw my teddy onto the floor. And I had a very hard time falling asleep. I've never felt that way before. What the fuck is he doing to me?? I still don't think I'm in love with him. I know I love him, but that's different than being in love. I love him. That's it. Until I'm able to spend time physically with him, I won't ever be able to be in love with him. Simple as that. And especially not until we start talking more. This talking to him every few days is killing me. I need him. I need to talk to him more. I just need him next to me. Fuck this shit! Fuck distance. Fuck the Internet. Fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck everything! It's just not fair!

I hate the universe. It's cruel and unfair.

This is really bad... I fucking love him. I really do. I can't stay mad at him long, because he just makes me smile too much. And it's just not fair...

And, Hanna and I had a huge blow-out... I think it was Friday. I deleted her and blocked her from Facebook, even. I was so tempted to tell her that the only good thing would be not having to feign interest in her life anymore. But I stopped myself and didn't say a word as she threw the insults at me. Then she texted me today apologizing for what she said. At this point, I don't care. I'm done with her. She's just been too much stress in my life. And I don't care to talk to her anymore, unlike Lazar. I want to talk to him.

The past four days he was offline, killed me. I cut my ankle again on... Thursday night, I think? I then fell asleep on my floor. I've really just moped around. I've just wanted to talk to him. But, at the same time, I was done with him. I was pissed. I was angry. I gave him what he wanted, and he left. Or, the other possibility was that what he got wasn't what he wanted. And I was mad either way. Then, there was that small chance that there was a legitimate reason as to why he was offline for four days. He was on tonight, and he said it was because the Internet in his dorm was down. Yeah, I guess I can believe that. But it still makes me sad, 'cause I just want to talk to him!! This is why I do not like online relationships. I want to see the guy I love every day. I want to snuggle up to him. I want him to hold me like we're the last two people on earth, and nothing bad can ever touch me. I need that physical support, in addition to the emotional support. I can only lean on my friends so much. I need a guy there for me. A guy I can be there for, too. He can't be that. Serbia is too far. He's far too far. And I hate it. That's why I don't like going online. Because I don't like falling for someone who I can't be with. I just want to forget he exists. Forget my feelings for him. Take my heart back and save it for someone closer. Because it's not fair to love someone so far away. It's just not fair...



On another note, I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that I had twins. They were infants. And I went home for the weekend (like in real life), and I forgot them at college. It was so weird. It was like they were just dolls or something, not real babies. But it was weird, because I'm pretty sure they were real babies.

Then, I had another dream. This one, I can't really explain. It was just... Really creepy. Damn, why are my dreams so inexplicable and weird and creepy? What I wouldn't give to go back and relive a dream! Just to figure out what it was all about! Haha.



You know what I never talked about? My birthday weekend with McKayla and Jess! I had such a great time. It was nice to see McKayla again. I hadn't seen her since... July? Yeah. July. Her birthday. And it was so great to see her on mine :D Her, Jess and I just hung out the entire weekend. Doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it. I wish Sammy could've been there. But she had to work :( But her and I hung out today to make up for it :) I had a great time with her. My grandparents came over, too, and we had a mini-birthday party for my dad and I. We had cake :P Sammy felt kinda awkward, though. I felt bad :( But it was fun overall. Her and I just watched videos on YouTube, and played Sims. Our typical things to do together :P It was nice. I've missed her, too. They are my three best friends. Sammy, McKayla, and Jess. I'm glad they're all in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with McKayla and Sammy. I miss them! But it's okay, because I think we have a friendship that will never die. At least, that's how I feel.



Now, to get out of Skype and play Sims for a couple hours. Lazar's Internet keeps freaking out. He's offline now. I don't know if it's because his Internet won't let him go back on, or if it's because he gave up trying and went to bed. I kinda wish he at least said goodnight, but oh well. He does it a lot, and it's annoying! But I understand that his Internet is annoying. So I just let it go... And I play Sims. I love the Supernatural expansion pack! It's by far the best one yet. It's so amazing!!!! :D

Well, goodnight my readers. Sorry if I bore you to death. But I need to vent somewhere. And I can vent anonymously on here. And maybe someone will read it. I'm just in way over my head, and this is the only way I can deal with it. Besides cutting. Because cutting doesn't help. I cut my arm again Friday, too. So my arm is cut up pretty good, and there are a few on my ankle. Not deep, just scratches, but it was enough to sting and bleed. I'm too afraid to cut any deeper. But, if I don't stop, I'll probably go deeper and deeper each time... I'm scared. I'm going to dig so far down I'll never get out. And I'll dig so deep it'll never heal.

Random Questions Survey
What does the world need less of?
     Greed and pain.

Are you artistic?
     Somewhat.

Have you ever yelled at a telemarketer?
     Nope. I've never really talked to one.

Weirdest pet you have ever had:
     A half-dead rat...

Worst childhood memory:
     Moving away from my best friend.

Have you ever gone to private school?
     No.

Two weird facts about yourself:
     I have a whole in my stomach, and I have a dimple on the back of my shoulder.

Have you ever asked someone out on a date?
     Nope.

Are you an ass?
     Don't think so.

What kind of computer do you have?
     Dell Inspiron.

Do you have any animals?
     Yep. Two cats and a Bichon Frise.

Have you done something bad today?
     Technically, yes. One-thirty in the morning counts as today. Funny that this fucking question is on this survey...

What physical feature do you get complimented on?
     My breasts.

What's the dumbest invention?
     Anything Apple. Or, the alarm clock.

Have you ever been in an ambulance?
     Yep, but I was too young to remember.

What type of drunk are you?
     Don't know yet.

Do you hold grudges?
     Sometimes, yeah.

Name four things you always have with you:
     My keys, my wallet, my Zune or cellular, and pens and paper.

What did you do yesterday?
     Go to classes and talk to Lazar and Hanna. Also, went for a walk with Jess.

Do you like yourself?
     Nope. I like myself even less at this point in time.

If you could punch one person, who would it be?
     Hmm... Probably Ashley. Or Ethan.

What would you do if a leprechaun jumped out of the bushes and stole your wallet?
     Check to see what drugs I'm on...

Favorites
     80's cartoon: Don't have one
     Drink: Strawberry and Vanilla Coolata from Dunkin' Donuts
     Color: Baby pink, baby blue, black, red, indigo, navy, dark pink
     Cookie: Chocolate chip and sugar cookies
      Gum: Orbits Bubblemint

Firsts
     Prom date: Never went to prom
     Job: Library assistant
     Love: Ethan
     Car: Hopefully my dad's 2001 GMC Sonoma
     Sport: Softball as a kid

What the fuck have I done?

Wow, I've posted in the past month. A lot more recent than I thought. But there's pretty muchly only one huge thing that has happened. I let a fucking man from Serbia turn my life upside down. Partially in a good way. Partially not in a good way. And, I tore up my arm for Hanna.

A week ago, I was on Omegle. I was bored and procrastinating. I didn't want to do this assignment for Nutrition. I wasn't expecting to get serious with anyone on there. I just go on there, fuck with some people's minds, then get off. Usually by asking philosophical or deep questions. Sometimes, I just chat.

But there was this one, Lazar, and he said he was from Serbia, and that I probably have never heard of it. Well, I had heard of it. And he was telling me not to judge him from being from here. I told him not to judge me from being from this place called America. So we were talking and what not, and he asked if I had Skype. Stupidly, I said yes.

So we start talking. He has a picture of himself as his display picture. And, boy... He's attractive. But he wanted me to go on cam so he could see what I looked like. And he said the most adorable thing...

"i don't care! you girls are complete idiots, really.... i don't care if you're wearing makeup or not, if you haven't slept enough, if your hair is messed up, i just fucking wanna see you? is that so hard to understand?"

So, needless to say, he finally convinced me to go on cam with him. And he's just so much more attractive. He's Serbian, but I guess Serbia is similar to Russia, and I have a definite thing for Russians... He just has a complete, unfair advantage.

So we're talking, and he keeps trying to get me to flash him. That's a big no for me. And, like... Talking to him is so stressful. He says the sweetest things, but keeps demanding I flash him. I just don't understand. Part of me wonders why he's doing this. He hasn't gotten anything. He keeps getting closer to my breasts, but I keep pushing him away. If he really only wants one thing, wouldn't he have given up by now? It's not like he needs me. He did a Finnish exchange student the other day. (Yeah, I'm not really the biggest fan of Finland right now.) So why is he being so persistant? The other part of me knows he's only after one thing, and he'll stop at nothing to get it. I just don't know if he'll leave once he gets it or not, though.

He broke through a huge wall last night, though. I really like him. He knows this. He says he really likes me, too. I don't know if I believe that. But we were talking about how he was adorable, and he told me to adore him. According to him, adoring is loving that you love someone. I didn't know what to say. My mind instantly agreed that I adored him, then I realized what that meant. I was a little speechless (like I am sometimes when he says the most romantic things). He knew what I was thinking. He just wanted me to say it. I told him I was way too scared to say it. Those three words hold so much power. I didn't want to give him the power. He finally coaxed it out of me. And I said it. The first time I ever really said those words to a guy in that manor. I texted it to Ethan once. Telling him that I loved him, or something. But I never said those three words, present tense, to a guy that I actually meant it to. Typing it was hard. Hitting enter was damn near impossible. My heart nearly sank. I couldn't breathe for a minute. I really, honestly, couldn't breathe, and I felt like the three words took the air from my lungs. He smiled. Then, he said it, too.

I love him. That part, I know. But am I in love with him? That part, I don't know. Loving him is different than being in love with him. See, my problem is that I fall too quickly for guys. My heart skips beats all the time. Thinking of Rafael (a really attractive guy in my Philosophy class) sometimes gets the same reaction. My heart skipped beats for Ethan, James, Chad, Vic, and many other guys. So how can I be sure this isn't just a temporary infatuation? I know I loved Ethan. I'm fairly certain about that. I'm okay with that, and I've moved on, even if it still hurts a little. But it scares me when I think about Lazar. He's going to be the reason I go insane. No doubt about it.

He's so... Complex. One minute, he's saying something romantic, helping me slowly and carefully take down the walls I put up to protect myself from the guys that I fall so quickly for. But the next minute, he's trying to run a wrecking ball into my walls. I'm terrified of him sometimes. Too scared of him to be comfortable around him. I'm afraid of what he's going to ask next. And I'm not afraid to say what I want to him, I just don't know how to convince him that I'm not ready to flash him. I don't know if I'll ever be. He keeps telling me that if I really did love him, I'd do it for him.

And you know what the biggest problem of this entire Lazar situation? He's come between Hanna and I.

The day after I met him, I was torn and confused. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to just be his friend. I wanted him to stop asking me to do something I didn't want to do. We had a rough night that first night. I didn't know who else to turn to, so I turned to Hanna. She understands online connections better than any of my other friends. That is where I messed up.

I shouldn't have involved her. Because she instantly hated him. I don't blame her. If the situation was reversed, I'd have half a mind to track him down and feed him his own balls. But she doesn't understand how I feel. I personally don't even understand how I feel. I've known him for a week.

But last night, her and I got into a huge fight. She was hurt and disappointed because I was still devoting my time to him. I was trying to help her with her homework, but I wouldn't even stop video chatting with him to help her. And I understand her point of view. She always tried so hard to talk to me. If she skipped school to talk to me, I'd punish her by not talking to her. If she ignored her friends to talk to me, I'd punish her by making her go hang out with them. She would find anyway to talk to me, and I'd always have rules as to why she couldn't talk to me. Not while I'm in class, not twenty-four-seven, not when I'm with my friends, not when I'm at work, not when I'm at home... She went out of her way to talk to me, and I blew her off. Then, I went out of my way to talk to him. Stayed up all night. Went on Skype during class, even though it meant getting kicked out of class if my professor caught me. She was always there for me. And he only put me through stress.

But, she doesn't get my side of the story. She broke my heart with the Mattie thing. I almost stopped talking to her. I was mad, and hurt. But we worked past it. Then, when she did it again, pretending to be a guy named Josh. I gave her plenty of opportunities to come clean, and she wouldn't. That's when I nearly ended it with her for real. I put her on tight restrictions, making her purely an online-friend.

But, when she was Mattie, I gave up more than what I've given up for Lazar. I lost so much more sleep. My grades suffered for a longer period of time. I even went out and bought a pre-paid cellular just to talk to her, because I was running up the minutes on the cellular my parents pay for. I spent my own money to talk to her. I did so much more for her. And I don't regret doing any of that. She was a fragile, hurt child who needed someone there for them. I was that for her.

But now, she won't reason with me about Lazar. I try to tell her that she means so much more than him. She means the world to me. She's one of my best friends. I can't lose her. But I need her to understand my situation. She won't. And it's frustrating me. She wants me to actually stop talking to Lazar completely. I don't know if it's because she doesn't like how he's taking me away from her, or if she doesn't like how he treats me. I don't know. But I don't want to ask. I just know that I'm going to have to learn how to juggle Hanna and Lazar. Because neither like it when I hang up with one to talk to the other... I can't choose between them. I'm just going to end up going insane. I really just can't make the decision. I love both.

And what really bothers Lazar is how he keeps begging me to flash him. He says he needs it. He says it's not all he wants, but he does want it, so desperately. I keep asking him to wait, because I'm not ready, and I don't really want to flash him yet. And I think it wouldn't have been that big a problem if I didn't do something for Hanna.

A while ago, I promised her that if she ever cut herself, I'd cut myself. I've done it before. I tore up her ankle. I poured boiling water on myself. I did it as a way to get her to stop. She didn't want me to do it, but I was stubborn. So she finally stopped hurting herself. But last night, she cut herself. Over me. So I cut myself. I took a razor (which was nice and sharp), and cut my arm. I did a pretty good job, I think. Not as good a job as I did on my ankle that one time. That was a bitch. What I did on my arm is a bit cleaner, and a little more spaced out. But it still hurt.

And, stupid me, told Lazar. I told him I did something bad, but I didn't think I should tell him. He forced it out of me. I told him I didn't know if he'd know what it was, because I didn't know if it was just an American thing. He knew what it was... And he was not happy. He wanted to see, but I wouldn't show him. I didn't want him to freak out on me... anymore than he already was.

But he was reasoning that if I did something I didn't want to do because I promised Hanna I would, it wasn't fair I wouldn't promise him something, too. He'll never understand that. And I think that's why, now, he's so adamant about me flashing him. I honestly think I'm driving him crazy. Not just mad, but like... I feel like he really is going crazy. I keep getting closer to doing it, then I stop. I get distracted, and we lose all progress. I'm afraid of him winning...

But you know what I'm more afraid of? I like cutting. I really do. I like the feeling. I like hurting. I hate cutting, I hate the reasons, I hate how people do it because it "makes them feel better". It doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't solve any problems. It doesn't release any stress. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't make my outside feel as bad as my inside feels. It just hurts, plain and simple. And the more I do it, the more tempting it is to do it again. I need to be strong and not do it. But when I cut my ankle for Hanna last time, it was hard to stop. I did it a couple times within that week. I think I could get addicted to this if I let myself. So I need to be careful. I find myself thinking about it a lot since last night. I want to do it again. I almost asked Hanna if she cut herself again, so I'd feel like I had a legitimate reason to cut again. This is a dangerous promise...

But I'm a dangerous person. And I feel like I'm going to go down a bad path if I don't watch myself. And I'm terrified. And the one I feel like I love is so far away. He's like twenty thousand miles away from me. I need him here. That's why I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to fall for him. But he kept encouraging it. He kept insisting it'd be okay if I did. He wanted me to. And I did. And now I'm afraid that it's going to hurt more to love him. I look at him on the screen, and I feel like I would do anything to be there next to him, snuggled into his arms, hiding from the world, resisting the temptations of the razor...

What the fuck have I done? I can't undo it. I can't forget he exists. I can't un-love him. I can't take back how I feel. I probably can't fix what happened between Hanna and I, either. I've fucked everything up. I wish I set a save-point in my life to right before I met him, and that I could go back to that point.

Some days, I'm more depressed, or lazier, or crazier, than other days. But today, I'm happier than other days. I think being at college, being surrounded by my friends, and actually doing something rather than nothing has improved my mood.

I just read the "About Me" on the side of this blog, and I'm thinking... What makes me feel like I'm so fucked up? I don't feel fucked up right now. I don't even feel depressed. But reading that makes me a little depressed, wondering if my happiness isn't supposed to be? Maybe I am a normal person, but I just have ups and downs? Are my ups and downs as normal as a non-fucked up person? Am I bipolar, because one month I'm completely happy, and the next I'm just depressed as fuck?

"The Best Random Survey"

How many phones have you gone through?
     Um... Nine phones.

What was your favorite Disney movie growing up?
     The Little Mermaid and The Lion King.

Can I call you home dawg?
     No.

Do you drink often?
     Wine coolers, maybe.

Are you supposed to be doing something else?
     Homework, probably.

Come up with a new word. What is it and what does it mean?
     Smert - smart to the eleventh power.

If you could wear only one clothing item at a time what would it be?
     I'm confused....?

Are you superstitious?
     Yes. Kind of.

Did I spell superstitious wrong?
     Um, it looks wrong, but I don't think it's misspelled.

Are white walls boring?
     Yes.

Any teacher you've ever had that's made a lasting impression?
    Yes, my French teacher who inspired me to learn French.

Are gingers soulless or is that a myth?
     I don't know. I'm blonde.

When was the last time you doubted someones gender?
     Probably not too long ago on campus.

Are you sleep deprived right now?
     Don't think so. I think I got eight hours of sleep. Although I am tired...

Do you like kids?
     Yes. To an extent.

How many of your friends have names that start with the letter E?
     Um... None. Just me. But I'm not my friend.

When was the last time you were late for something?
     Work this morning. Because of the damn shuttle bus.

Is your favorite sport to watch the same as to play?
    Yes. Hockey.

Do you get offended easily?
     Sometimes. Depends. Not usually, though.

Worst advice you've ever received?
     I don't remember.

You can have anything you want, but for only 24 hours. What is it?
     For only twenty-four hours? Logan Lerman. I'd even settle for twenty-four seconds XD

Do you think your answer above was greedy?
     Greedy? I don't know.

Thoughts on Oprah?
     Don't care.

Do you get paper cuts a lot?
     Nope.

Don't ya think hand sanitizer is a life saver?
     Psh, I grew up in the nineties. We never used hand sanitizers, and I'm perfectly fine now.

What quesiton do you think this is?
     Twenty-six.

Now what question do you think this is?
     Twenty-seven.

If you got that wrong, I think someone needs to go back to school.
     That's not a question.

Do you write everything down?
     No, because I'd forget that I wrote it down.

How big is the biggest TV you've ever seen?
     Um... I think it was a seventy-two inch?

Are you holding something against someone?
     Um... Sort of. But not really. I don't hold grudges for very long.

How long have you lived the the country you are living in right now?
     Nineteen years, eleven months, and thirteen days.

If I touched the last place on your body you touched would it be awakard?
     It'd be my hand. But it would still be awkward.

What sound does a duck make?
     Quack.

Do you know what literary device thats called?
     Onomatopoeia, I believe.

Do you impress yourself often?
     Once in a great while.

Would other people rate your looks significantly different than your rating
     Um, I don't know how I'd rate myself, or how others would.

Did you notice that there wasnt a question mark in that last question?
     Yes. And it bothered me. I corrected it, but deleted it because of this question.

So does that make you an observant person?
     Yes. And somewhat obsessive-compulsive, haha.

Smoothies are the bombdiggity. Correct?
     Absolutely?

No one even uses that word anymore. Think it will have a comeback?
     Probably not. But who knows anymore?

Since it's been a while since I last wrote on this blog, I feel like I owe you a little bit of a recap of the past... How long has it been? Oh, since June.
Well, the summer was boring and went by too quickly. But, considering how boring it was, I guess it's not too bad of a thing that it went by quickly. I wish I made the summer count. Lived like it was my last summer on Earth. But instead, I did nothing. I hung out with Sammy a few times. Saw the Avengers in theatres. Ate at a Japanese restaurant. And McKayla was working at a camp in New Hampshire all summer, so I only got to see her a couple times. I still owe her a birthday present. No idea what I'm getting her... And a graduation present. And since Christmas is coming up, a Christmas present, too. Hopefully, by then, I'll have saved enough money to get her and Sammy and Jess presents they'll like :P

I got into quite a few fights with my parents over the summer. That was expected, though. I just don't get along with them. Not nearly as much as I'd like to. But it's hard when they blame everything on me being psychotic (which I'm not) and they don't understand how hard it is to live with them. Well, my dad knows how hard it is to live with my mom, and my mom understands my frustrations with my dad. But it doesn't make anything any more easier.

What we did do over the summer, though, is redo half the kitchen. New tile flooring, new red oak cabinets, dark gray countertops, and a huge new island. Then, a week before I was to head back to college, my mom decided she wanted the downstairs bathroom redone, too. So we tore out the shower and put in a set of stackable washer and dryer. So we had to put up new wall and tile in there, too. Lemme tell you, it wasn't fun.

But now I'm back at college. Came back a couple weeks ago, then just went home for the weekend for my dad's birthday. Being here is great, though. Jess lives upstairs. (Jess was Rin's roommate from last semester, and we bonded over the fact that we were both absolutely sick of Rin. Now, Jess is one of my best friends.) And Ashley, a girl I knew in high school, is on the third floor. Oh, and I'm on the first floor! Apartment eleven! I knew this semester was going to be the best, simply because I'm in my favorite number. So far, I've had a very good time here. I've even had time to myself for playing Minecraft and Sims, and watching movies. I was afraid I'd never have me time again. But I manage to find some :)

Jess and I have gotten really close over the past couple weeks. Well, it kinda started the last couple weeks of last semester. We just kind of all of a sudden started hanging out, and I went to her place and spent the night (her house, not her dorm). Her parents like me :D Haha. And this semester, we've just hung out a lot. She's such a fun and amazing friend, and I'm glad she's just a floor above me :P

And having Ashley here has been fun, too. I was nervous at first, 'cause she is pretty annoying, but she has been alright. I get tired of her antics, though. Thinking semi-formal dresses are party and clubbing dressing, obessessing over her neighbor, and going on about how every single person in the building knows her now just because her neighbor said he was going to talk about her around the building.

My classes are pretty okay, too. I have American Government with the same professor I had a couple semesters ago for American History I. He hasn't changed a bit. I spend the entire class watching the cute guy in front of me, though. And the Brazilian soccer player from Connecticut. I just have nothing better to do in that class... It's so boring. But my Philosophy and Technical Writing classes are pretty interesting. Slow, because that's how the professors are, but I like the subjects. And I have an online class, which I don't like, but I have to take as my final science class. But with that class being online, I have no classes Monday, Wednesdsay, or Friday. That leave me working from ten to one on Monday and Wednesday, and ten to noon on Friday, though. But I like working at the library. I love it, actually. It's quite, stress-free, and actually pretty relaxing. I'm at the reference desk now, something I haven't done since my first year here. I've mostly been in the back doing random shit, but since I finished and my boss has nothing for me to do right now, I asked if I could go up to the reference desk. I've missed this desk. It was practically mine my first year here. And it's mine for the moment :) Haha.

Well, I still have another fifteen minutes before I leave. Then it's lunch for me. Boy, I'm so hungry.

I think I'm going to go do some homework for my Technical Writing class. We have to rewrite a manual and make it more clear for a general audience. This'll be interesting. Hopefully I can get it done within fifteen, no fourteen, minutes.

Okay, I never wrote about how I was kicked out of the house and homeless for a couple hours.

I'm trying to clean my room. Get everything out of here that doesn't belong, so I can bring all my stuff from college up here. This room is so full of shit from my childhood, that there's no place for everything I really use anymore. My college became the place where I had all my stuff, and now it's all in the living room and dining room (which we don't even use anymore). So I need to clean out my room so I can put all that stuff up here.

Well, there are toys in here that I don't want to just throw out. Things from my childhood. I was asking my mom what I should do with them. She wouldn't answer me. She flat-out ignored me. We were up in my room, trying to move my bed. We couldn't move it, so she was just standing there, looking at all my stuff. I asked her a couple times what to do with them. She eventually just answered, "I don't know." So I started to get really stressed, because I can't clean my room if I have no where to put all this shit. So she started to call my psycho because I was stressed. So I got really mad at her. One, because she wouldn't answer me at all. Two, because she was calling me psycho. I flipped out on her.

I admit, it wasn't my best idea. I called her a fucking cunt, blah, blah, blah. Well, she responded by kicking me out of the house. My laptop was on my lap at this point (I wasn't doing anything because I was so pissed at both her and myself), so I threw it off me and stormed out of the house. She kicked me out as I was, wearing pajamas and no shoes. I didn't have a chance to grab my cell phone, so I was completely alone.

So I walked out to the woods, and sat under a tree for a couple hours. I don't know how long I was really out there. It felt like a while, but maybe it wasn't long at all. I don't know. I didn't know what to do. I couldn't walk to McKayla's looking like I did. (Disheveled hair and old pajamas.) So I just sat there. I couldn't even call anyone.

So I prayed to God, whoever or whatever that may be. (I don't really think there is a God. Just a weird force of fate that we like to pretend is a holy being who answers our prayers and protects us. In my experience, fate does not protect me, nor does it answer any prayers. It has been cruel and unfair. And, if there is a God, why do so many bad things happen? Where is that O Holy Father, eh? If he was really out to protect "all his children" down here, then why are so many children abused? Case in point.)

After whatever length of time I was out there, and after praying that some mystical being would help me through this if I promised to change, I went home. I knocked on the front door of my own home. My mom tried talking through the door, but as she learned, it's harder to hear through a solid-wood door than she expected.

So she opened the door, and as I tried to apologize, she walked right away. Whatever, I knew she was mad at me, so I didn't expect any different. At this point, I was trying to fully blame myself. She wouldn't listen to any apology I had, so I asked if I could get dressed so that I could leave. She asked where I'd go. I said I didn't know, but probably to McKayla's. She got frustrated and told me to just stay. Whatever, man, whatever.

So I grabbed my cell phone out of my purse and ran upstairs. I texted McKayla first thing. She was in dance, anyways, so going to her house wouldn't have done a thing for me.

So I just sat up in my room and cried. I'm psychotic, but I have a selfish bitch for a mother. It's a dangerous combination.

Things cooled down after a couple days. My dad still talked to me, but only when my mother wasn't present. But whatever.

But after things got better, they got worse again. We were sitting on the couch, probably about a week later, and she was talking about doing her nails. I asked if she'd do mine again, and she said no, 'cause I'd just rip them off again. (She did my nails the day before she kicked me out, and by that next day, two had fallen off because I was trying to move my bed. So when she kicked me out, I thought I'd be stuck with two nails missing, and I chewed off the other eight nails.) So I just quietly got mad at her, because it was ridiculous that she expected me to not rip my nails off after she kicked me out of the house. What, was I supposed to just go around with two missing nails?

So then I got up to get something to eat, and she asked me to bring her sub from lunch to her. She knew I was pissed at her, and she still expected favors? I fully hate that woman, and she expects me to love her and bend over backwards for her every command.

Well, I got her sub, but I dropped it on her lap. Well, she got all pissed at me and demanded I handed it to her nicely. Only making my bad mood worse. I admit, I shouldn't have treated her so piss-poor. But if you lived with this woman, you'd understand that it's just hard to really like, or even respect, her.

Well, that turned into a huge blow-out, and she said that if I wouldn't leave, she would. So she stormed up to her room. I just sat there for a few minutes, pissed at myself for blowing up at her like that.

But we cooled down after that, too.

And my dad expects me to just pretend like I like her. It's hard to do that. I really don't like her. Sometimes, I hate her. I don't hate my dad. I love my dad. I just get very mad at him, a lot. But I don't hate him.

I'm sorry, but I just do not like my mother, at all.

I need to get out of this place. That woman is psychotic.

I told her last night that I needed to take a shower before we went into town to take back the recyclables. It was midnight that she asked for my help, and she had just had a cigarette in the bathroom. So I told her that I needed to take a shower this morning before we left. She was okay with it.

This morning, she had a cigarette in the only bathroom with a usable shower. She knew, since last night, that I needed that shower this morning. So I told her I couldn't take a shower now because she just smoked in there. (Them smoking in the bathroom has been a problem for a very long time. They know I don't want black lungs, but they don't care.)

So she starts screaming at me that I had to go with her anyways, even though my hair is greasy and I needed a shower. She says that no one cares about me, and that I'm not there to please anyone, so I shouldn't care what I look like. Granted, no one does care, but still. Going into town with greasy hair is just scuzzy. And she, of all people, should know what appearances are about. She's all the time saying how she can't go to the Quickway because she's not dressed and her hair's not done. And she's going to criticize me because I won't do the same?

She's fucking psychotic. Now I'm confined to my room like a child, without food she said, because I wouldn't go into town with greasy hair. If she had just waited maybe an hour and a half, I would have gone with her. I don't mind doing the recyclables. And, it's her fault I couldn't take a shower.

This entire argument is purely her fault. She started screaming at me first, and I never once swore at her. For the records, I behaved rather well during this one. She's the one who was swearing at me, calling me a bitch, verbally harassing me.

But it's me. I'm the psychotic one.

I really need to get out of here. She's flipping out on me for absolutely nothing.

Maybe I should call my grandparents and ask to move in with them for the summer. I'll get a job. Help around the house. I just can't stay here. That woman who gave birth to me is fucking psychotic.

But yeah, it's all me. I'm the one who needs to see a psychiatrist and get back on Zoloft.

She needs some fucking lithium. And cyanide.

Am I depressed, bipolar, or psychotic? Am I really fucked up, or do I just think I am because I, somehow, want to be? Does that count for anything? Am I really destroying my mind with each passing day, or am I just a normal person with normal problems? Do I simply have a short temper with dangerous anger problems? Or is there something more going on, deep inside my mind? Am I purposefully destroying myself, from the inside out, because it's somehow exhilarating?

If I had health insurance, I'd know this. But when I turned nineteen, I got kicked off whatever I was on. Even though I'm a full-time college student. And now I can't get on Medicare because my household makes too much money. Even though we could never afford insurance on our own. This healthcare system is fucked up. And now I can't get the medical attention I need. I was on anti-depressants, so I needed to see my psychiatrist every three months. I also saw a social worker (when I wasn't at college). I also have a tube in my stomach that needs to be changed every three months. I had to go over half a year without changing it because I lost insurance. I finally found a charity program that allowed me to get it changed for free. But it got pretty fucked up, and I had stomach pains for a while. It's still a little messed up. But yeah. This healthcare thing is amazing. I'd have to move out of my house just to get insurance!

Well, maybe moving out isn't a bad idea. I hate my life here. I don't get along with my mother at all. My dad and I clash too often. My parents barely get along, too. Insanity runs in the family. (My dad's aunt, for example, spent time in a loony bin.) So does diabetes and alcoholism. Point is, three psychotic people living in the same household is a very unstable thing. Especially when one of us is depressed (maybe even my mother, too), and one of us might be bipolar (maybe even my father, too). Is there a such thing as a mild, non-life-threatening version of bipolar disorder?

But, whatever may be wrong with me, my parents need to know that it's not just me. While I may fly off the handle way too often, they need to realize that they push me off the edge more often than they'd like to admit. It's not just me. None of us in this house are mentally stable. But they push all the blame on me, because it's the easiest. And until they admit it's not all me, I won't admit it's me at all.

If only we had insurance. Then we all could get help. Individual counseling for each of us. Marriage counseling for them. Family counseling for all of us. But is there even anything worth saving or fixing here? Sometimes I think there's just too much wrong with us to even bother. Maybe the only solution is to get individual counseling while they get a divorce and I move out. I think that'd be easiest.

And it makes me cry to think that's the only solution.

Bored? Here are twenty questions I'd like to ask my readers...

1. What year were you born in?
2. What operating system and Internet browser are you using to view this page?
3. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?
4. Why are you answering these questions?
5. How many fingers do you have?
6. What color is the sky?
7. What do you think of the name "Cotton" for a male dog?
8. "Sometimes I lay under the moon and thank God I'm breathing." These are the lyrics to what song?
9. What is your favorite movie? Book?
10. Why do people fight?
11. Did you Google the lyrics in number eight to get the answer?
12. Have you ever played Call of Duty: Black Ops? Do you like it?
13. What's the moon made of?
14. When I say "ringtone" what's the first thing that comes to mind?
15. What do you say when it's cold out?
16. Who sings the song in number eight?
17. How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
18. Which came first: the chicken or the egg?
19. Do you like the song from number eight? Or do you still not know what song it is?
20. Did you answer any of these questions seriously? Or did you put down silly answers?

I think I'm bipolar or something.

But it doesn't help that my parents are psychotic, too.

I've had some really strange dreams lately. Last night, it was about some kind of graduation (college or high school, I don't know). My Stats professor (who is very attractive) was in it, and coordinating the graduation. And Nick was there, too. Yeah, Nick again. But he wasn't the focus of the dream, he was just a random person my mind used to fill the dream with people. But my professor... He was the main concern.

I had a couple other dreams, too. One more that featured my professor, and another that had Katie and her family... I'll explain later. My Stats final is gonna start in about fifteen minutes, so I'd like to get there and get a seat. Wish me luck! I need an A on that final to get an A in the class, otherwise I might get a B or even a C. I'm not thrilled about that. So I gotta do well on this final...

So Ethan C called me this weekend. I didn't answer it, but I did text him and ask him why he called, and he said he butt-dialed me. I believe it, 'cause I listened to the voice mail he left, and it was him and a friend holding a conversation. I couldn't actually tell what they were saying, though. But he apologized in the text, and I was like, "It happens to everyone." And so he then asked how I've been, and I said I been. I asked how he was, and he said, "Same here."

But after hearing his voice on the voice mail, I started to think that maybe I missed him... I don't know. Do I? I don't think I do, but who knows... I think it's just best to leave it alone. Now, if Ethan B wanted to talk... Thad'd be a different story.

People go on about how they are so over this cold, rainy weather, but I wonder... Were they ever really into it? That's what I wanna know.

Today has been boring so far. Skipped my first class because I don't have my interview done. I was gonna do it the night of my Phi Theta Kappa induction ceremony, but my parents said I had no time. I'm trying to interview my grandparents, and they were there that night! So I was gonna call them this weekend, but forgot to. And I was gonna call them last night, but forgot to. If I had just gotten it done the day they were here, I'd have gotten it done early, and it would ov been done. But my parents made me procrastinate, and now it's not done... I gotta call them tonight, then email my professor and see if I can email it to him and get credit... It'd be really quite amazing if I could!

Anyways... Rin is pretty muchly pissed at me, I think. She texted me Thursday saying Jeff might have a new cancer, and that she didn't get to bed until six and she just woke up with a stomach ache, and that she probably won't make it to class. I had slept literally ten minutes that night, and I still came to class. And, we were going over our final that day, too. And I told her that. I guess she told Jess that she tried talking to me, but all I wanted to do was talk about myself. Ha, not even close! And later that day, she posted on Fakebook about how it's sad when texting your mother is like texting your best friend, and texting your best friend is like texting your mother. Jess and I laughed about that. Fucking hilarious! And, come to find out, she woke up at like eleven, not one-thirty when she texted me.

I hope she doesn't come to class today. I'd really rather not sit with her and hear her breathe...

So I had a great weekend. Hung out with Jess, went tag sailing with her and her mom, made stress balls and water balloons, watched movies... It was great. And it was so weird staying the night at her place without her there. But it was great!

Well, class is about to start. Gotta go.

Dear Ethan,

But you didn't have to cut me off
Make out like it never happened and that we were nothing
And I don't even need your love
But you treat me like a stranger and I feel so rough
No you didn't have to stoop so low
Have your friends collect your records and then change your number
I guess that I don't need that though
Now you're just somebody that I used to know

Love, Moi
Lyrics by Gotye

I don't know what to do. Rin is driving me insane. To the point where I wrote a letter to "break up" with her. I wrote it Monday night. But I can't give it to her. One, there is plenty of emotion in it, and the words are less than nice. Two, we have three classes together. One is online, though. Point is, I have to sit next to her in a class everyday, except Friday (no classes for me that day). So how can I give her this letter and make classes awkward? Maybe I'll print it out, seal it in an envelope, and give it to her the last day of classes this semester. Then we have a whole summer apart.

Gah, I don't know! I need to just do it. Just give it to her. Rid this menace from my life once and for all.

A List of My Favorite Things

Color: Burgundy, cotton candy pink, navy, baby blue, blood red, indigo, black
Food: Chocolate chip cookies, chicken-flavored ramen
Flower: Rose
Tree: Japanese cherry blossom
Animal: Felines
Television Show: Samantha Who?
Anime: Sailor Moon
Movie: The Lord of the Rings
Actor: Barry Watson, Logan Lerman
Actress: Selena Gomez
Video Game: Call of Duty, Tomb Raider, Minecraft
Author: Ellen Hopkins
Book: Impulse, Identical
Male Artist: Owl City, Yiruma
Female Artist: Avril Lavigne, Ayumi Hamasaki
Band: Pink Floyd, Evanescence
Song: Apocalyptica's "I Don't Care", Pink Floyd's "Comfortably Numb", Breaking Benjamin's "Dear Agony"
School Subject: English, French
Teacher: Ms. Schleining, Mrs. Wycoff
Professor: Mr. Devitt, Mr. Pitcher
Sport: Hockey
Sport Team: Dallas Cowboys, New York Rangers, Cincinnati Bengals
Country: America, France, Holland
Holiday: Christmas
Female Name: Briana, Arielle
Male Name: Dylan, Seth
Number: 11

Now ask me next week. I wouldn't be surprised if most of these changed.

It's been over a month since I've written... I feel ashamed. I shall try to not let you, my readers, down so much in the future.

So, if I'm to be documenting apocalyptic-warning events, I should take in consideration the month of March. March 1 (Thursday, Ethan's birthday), we had a snowstorm. It literally did not stop snowing all day. Winter had finally hit us, full-blown. It was pretty muchly cold for the next week or so following that. But right after Spring Break, on March 18 (Sunday), summer hit us. It hit seventy-five here. And that following week, it was in the seventies, sometimes hitting eighty. The very next week, though, it was cold again. Back to thirties and twenties. It even snowed this past weekend.

It went from winter to summer and everything in-between in just one month. Bipolar much, Mother Nature? I think so.

Well, now that I'm thinking about the past month, that's the only thing really significant that I can think of. Kinda depressing, 'cause I know it wasn't a boring month... Hm...

Not sure. But I did have a really strange dream the other night. Not strange in the same kind of way that a dream about fucking your mother would be. (A friend of mine had a dream like that once.) No, it's strange because it was like a movie, formatted in a way that I've never quite dreamed about before. Lemme see if I can remember it...



It started with my parents and I on a vacation of sorts. We were wandering around this museum in a hospital displaying the coats and pelts of various animals. (I'm pretty sure it was in a hospital, but it's really a moot point.) Ancient bears, tigers, lions, and the such. And there were skins of like mammoths and elephants, too. But the animals were all ancient, like from a thousand years ago.

There were also coats and jackets on display for sale, too. There was something weird about these coats, but I can't remember what. They were like attached to something or something like that... They were thick winter jackets, though. Built for Arctic conditions. I guess there were other things for sale, 'cause my mom had a camera picked out that she wanted to buy.

So in another part of this museum was a raised (above-ground) stone pool, rectangular in shape. The room had the feel of an ancient Arctic tomb or something. It had very high ceilings, but it was very clean. Like, no dust or cobwebs or bones anywhere. It was a part of the museum that was built that way, I think. But it had a very pale blue-grey tint to it. And I'm pretty sure the air was frozen, but it didn't seem to affect (effect?) us.

Anyways, so my dad decides to do laps around this pool. I'm not sure why, but when I entered the room, he was just swimming around the perimeter of the pool, kinda like a frog, I guess. My mom and I were going to join him, and she was wondering if she should bring her camera 'cause it was water-proof. My dad was like, "No, the other people don't seem to have things with them. You haven't bought it yet, so I wouldn't." The thing is, it was just my parents and I in this room. I'm not sure if my dream-self realized this or not. I think I just brushed it off.

Well, I had these goggles with me, and I put them on as I was swimming. And it was then that I saw that the pool extended under the stone platform that you stood on to get into the pool (the deck, if you will). And in this covered part were numerous dead bodies, fully whole. They were frozen, but no parts of them had decayed. Their clothes (jackets) were still on them. They were definitely old, though. As in, they didn't die recently since the museum was built. They might have even been as old as the animals they were displaying on the other side of the museum (about a thousand years old).

At this point, the bodies starting floating out into the main part of the pool (though they were still submerged). If you've ever seen The Lord of the Rings: Return of the King, it reminds me of the Dead Marshes that Gollum lead Frodo and Sam through, where the bodies were just there.

So, the dream just skips to another part. (You dream in four stages, and only dream in the last one. Every twenty minutes, you go through all four stages. So you only dream for a few minutes every twenty. That's why your dreams seem to skip around sometimes. I'm assuming that's what happened here.) Now, the focus of the dream is this young girl (probably young adult) who is, I guess, fighting these bodies (who have become undead zombies of sorts). She was talking to some old wise man, saying that she was waiting for her companion to join her so they could fight the undead together. It was a very tense moment.

The room they were in was like a huge round hall, something like from an ancient university library or something. Some place where you'd probably study arcane. There were pillars around, a door (behind which were stairs) near where the girl and man stood, and on the other side of the huge room was a large arch, probably going out to the other parts of the college.

Anyways, the companion she was waiting for wasn't human, it was like a blue fuzzy thing (but there was no humor in the dream at all, don't take it the wrong way). The dream flashed to the companion coming up a set of stairs, and the back with the girl, you could hear footsteps coming up the set of stairs behind a door near her. It was obvious that she and the wise man were assuming the footsteps belonged to the companion, but the audience (me) knew that it was the undead. They break through the door, and I guess they attacked the girl and man, 'cause then the dream focuses on the companion bursting through the door at the top of his stairs. The room the companion entered and the room that the girl and man were in weren't the same, though. I'm not sure what else happened in this part, 'cause the dream changed focuses again.

Now, the girl is standing in the center of a rune circle on the roof of a wide wall (like the walls the go around a keep, or probably the college she was in before). The wise man was a huge, ethereal, ghostly being floating beside her. But the girl has her hands pressed to her head, trying to keep her memories out. "There are certain parts of my mind that should be kept repressed," or something was what she said. I think I was there, standing next to her. I was definitely standing next to someone else, too, but I don't know who it was. It could have been one of my friends or parents, by the way the feel of it was. (You know how you can't tell who exactly a person in your dream is, but you can tell it's just a generic friend, like all your friends combined into one person?) Then, the dream quickly flashed to the pool with the bodies floating in it, then quickly to the scene where the undead were bursting through the door in the university library.



It was at that point I woke up. Just got right up and went to the bathroom. It was after my appointment Friday (I had an appointment at Albany Med to change the tube in my stomach), and I had fallen asleep on the couch. Now that I think about it, it was like a combination of Elder Scrolls: Skyrim (the exploration of ancient Nord ruins and the draugrs inside), the Lord of the Rings: Return of the King (that part about the Dead Marsh I explained before), and Tomb Raider: Underworld (the part where you're adventuring past the swinging hammers to retrieve Mjolnir). It was a very fucked up dream, and it really left me shaken up. It's like nothing I've ever dreamed about... And it probably won't leave me for a while.

Oh, and Jesus has a PlayStation 3. Yeah, he's just fucking amazing. And fuck you, Xbox owners! Even Jesus has a PlayStation!

Has it really only been two months since I started this blog? Wow, it seems so much longer than that.

But it feels like we just started this semester, but already we're in the sixth week. Our semesters are only fifteen weeks long.

This semester has been such a fucking roller coaster.

What am I talking about? The past four semesters have been roller coasters. At least life isn't boring.

But then why am I so bored with life?

Why am I so contradicting?

I don't really want to acknowledge this. McKayla told me to just let it go, and it won't mean anything to me. Rin thinks my mind just needs a few minutes to catch up with the present.

But last night I had a dream about Ethan B. It was a very direct dream. Jesus (a guy who works at the cafeteria who I may or may not have a little bit of a crush on, I really can't decide) and I were close friends or something, and he and I were going to go home together and hang out or something. Whatever the deal was, he was my ride home. And his ride home was Ethan. So we all climbed into the truck he apparently has now (at least in my dream he does). Jesus was being nice, and instead of cramming me against the door, he told me to sit in the middle. And I guess it was a usual occurrence that this happens, but this particular time, it was awkward to sit next to Ethan. (Because of the text he sent me in real life, I'm assuming.) But I guess there was something about Ethan's mom that got included in the conversation, and Jesus said, "Oh, you've probably already met his mother," to me. I told him that we got close to that, but it never actually happened. Or something to that affect...

Then in another part during this ride, Ethan was talking to me (I think for the first time that entire ride/dream) about me having to be ready when something happens. I almost think he was talking about how I can want things, but when the guy is ready to do something, I have to be ready. I'm not sure what that was about, or exactly what the conversation was about. It was odd. And then (sometime after  Jesus was already dropped off at I guess his house), I was wondering if Ethan was going to drive me all the way home, 'cause he just kept driving. I was wondering if he even knew where I lived, but then I decided he's probably going to drop me off at the library like always, and just in time, he slowed down to let me out. Before he pulled away, though, he looked right at me and asked me what I meant when I told him I wanted to be set free (referring to my dream's version of the text message I sent him in real life a couple weeks ago). I told him that I've been mesmerized by him, and that I wanted the ability to make the choice myself if I wanted to hate or love him. Then he asked if, now that he has set me free, if I that was what I really wanted. I looked straight into his eyes, and told him I honestly didn't know. Then I walked away, and he drove off.

Then, in the dream, I proceeded to go into the library where I found Sammy doing her French homework. And it was at that moment that my alarm jolted me away. I actually jumped when it went off, which is really unusual.

I'm not sure exactly what this all means. It's been bothering me all day. But it seems so clear. I honestly don't know how I feel about this whole closure thing. I wrote on my dry-erase board last week "Smile... You're finally free" with a butterfly. It was all pretty and stuff. But I guess I don't know if that's what I wanted or not.

McKayla thinks I should just stop obsessing over it, and it won't mean anything. Rin thinks that my mind just needs to catch up on the fact that I am happy. I just need to give it a couple minutes.

I don't know what to do. I guess I should say, I know what I'm going to do, but I don't know how it's going to work. I'm going to keep focusing on other guys. Jesus and Amine for two. I'm not saying that anything is going to become of it or anything, but I like talking to Jesus and flirting with Amine. And they're guys that take my mind off of Ethan.

Honestly, I don't want a relationship with Ethan. I just can't stand how much of an asshole he is. He makes it look like I'm trying to make his life hell. I'm only trying to fix mine. I only wanted a reason why he didn't want to talk to me. Closure. But he just made it worse. Fucking asshole.

Why are guys so stupid?!?! GAH!

Oh, and I was swearing a lot in front of Jesus today, and I guess he heard, and he was like, "What's with all this language?" Hahaha, it was funny :P And I guess Friday I looked lonely, 'cause he mentioned it to Rin. He's so sweet :) Hehe. And pretty adorable. He looks Indian, but he's a Puerto Rican from Indiana. He's so intriguing. He has this mellow, calm, passive voice. And he looks like such a... Not really nerd, but kinda of bookworm-type in his glasses. And he looks like he doesn't have much depth. Like he's just a simple and nice person. Not simple in terms of intelligence (he seems rather smart), but simple as in personality. As if not much bothers him, and he's content doing anything. But I guess, from what Rin's found out working and talking to him, that he's not really religious (but he believes in God), he's cynical, and he's pretty relax. Oh, and he's single.

I don't really know if I like him, or if I'm just curious to get to know him.

I fell off my chair in the cafeteria today. And Amine was there, and laughed at me. But then a little while later, he came over to make sure I was okay. He was curious as to how I fell off my chair. I honestly had no idea. He was like, "It just kind of happened?" And I agreed. Hahaha, I was mortified. Rin couldn't stop laughing.

I watched I, Robot last night. That was an intense and great movie. I loved it!

I finished Ender's Game. I loved the first part of the book, but once he got to Command School, I lost interest. It was just... Blaaaaaahhhh.

Rin invited me to stay the night so we could watch I, Robot. I really don't want to. One, I hate her. Two, she annoys me. Three, I don't get any sleep when I'm there ('cause one, she just doesn't shut up, and two, she's up until real late with her online peoples). Four, she'd just spend the entire time talking to her online peoples like she ALWAYS does when we hang out and she has her computer with her. And she texts them on her phone, too. So it just never stops. I get so sick of it. Why not get involved with the real world, you fucking idiot??

I think I'm getting sick. Like bleh sick.

Now I'm tired.

That's about the extent of my exciting life. Mmmmmmmhm.

Woah... The past two days have been... Woooo. Soo full of interesting and eventful things.

Yesterday, I had a hangout appointment (I call it that because Rin insisted it was a date, which it was not) with a guy from my Stats class. Calvin. He's pretty interesting. But he licked my ear. And gave me a Valentine's Day card-poster-thing. I have it hanging on my wall... That was an event. Ha.

Then, I texted Ethan. I asked him if he would either acknowledge that he has my number, or tell me the truth about giving me five minutes to talk. He finally (WOAH!) texted back. He told me that he hasn't been into me in a long time, and that it hasn't been fun in a while, and that he wants me to leave him alone. That's all I wanted him to tell me from the beginning. It took pissing him off and driving myself to near-insanity for him to finally give me the closure I so desperately needed. I wish it didn't have to end this way. But... C'est la vie, je suppose...

But that brings me to another thing.

One day a couple weeks ago, Rin and I were discussing our eye colors. She was talking about how her eyes have been really green, and I was like, "Oh, I've had days where my eyes are pretty blue, too." Just causal conversation. But these two Moroccan guys were apparently listening to us as we went by, 'cause the one (who is a total flirt) leaned closer and commented on her eyes. "Yep, you're eyes are green." So fucking random but so fucking cute!

So then I passed him later that day, and he looked at my eyes and added, "Yeah, you're eyes are blue." Hehehehe!

So then we kept seeing him places, and we started calling him Brown Eyes. And he just kept flirting with us... ;) And he has a very cute friend, too. But then tonight, we were walking behind them as we were heading to the on-campus housing, and they were talking in front of us about something. I was getting frustrated 'cause I thought they were speaking Spanish, so I asked Rin and Sam (her roommate who was walking with us) if they knew Spanish. Both said no. But then Brown Eyes turned around and he was like, "It's Arabic."

I was totally mortified, 'cause I didn't think they could hear me. I was whispering. But yeah, they heard me. Haha. And so we started talking about languages, and Brown Eyes is like, "I speak English, French, and Arabic."

I almost fucking hugged him. He speaks French! They both do! And I was like, "So do I!" They thought it was funny, and they started asking me a couple questions in French. What my name was, and how old I was. Hehehe.

And Rin was like, "I wish I spoke French," and so Brown Eyes said he was going to teach her. Blah. Hahahaha.

Then Rin was like, "Ask their names!" So I did. In French ;) And so we found out Brown Eyes' name is Amine. But I don't know his cute friend's name :( But dude... Tonight was fucking amazing.

So, yeah. Moroccan guys who speak French are amazing. Especially when they're as cute as Amine and his friend.

I'll stop talking to Rin about Ethan if she stops talking about fucking Burger King and McDonald's. In her twenty years of life, she's worked at more Burger Kings and McDonalds' than any other human being on Earth. And when we go to one (or any fast food restaurant), that's ALL she talks about. And to the cashiers she rants and raves about how she hates everything that they do as employees. Like, SHUT THE FUCK UP, FUCKING RETARD. No one fucking cares! And it's sick how she knows exactly how to order things, specifying how to do this and that she doesn't like it this way and la la la. She's eaten at these places way too much. And the irony is she complains about those stereotypical fast food-eaters. About how they order things so specifically and how it's awkward to take their orders. Yeah, maybe 'cause that's gonna be you in five years. Hell, that's you now.

And she spent the night last night. My mistake, I actually invited her. And she had a thick blanket, and because it was seventy-two degrees, she said it was too warm. So she wanted to open the fucking window. Um, that's a big waste of fuel to heat the building. So she had to have a fan on all night. Why not just take the blanket off, or use a thinner one? I have plenty... She just had to be fucking impossible. And fucking annoying. And she wanted me to turn the heater down. Um, no. I'm comfortable at this temperature, and I always wake up cold. I'd wake up an icicle if she opened the fucking window. She told me I wouldn't feel it 'cause I'm in my room. Um, I've fallen asleep with the window in the living room open before, and my room got cold. Wow, air moves!...Duh, you fucking idiot!

She fucking drives me insane. But whatever.

I'm tired. Time to shower. Then go to bed. Night.

It's just been a horrible few days. Ethan has been on my mind more than ever... And it's actually getting in between Rin and I. Ha. If only she knew... Maybe if she took her head out of her online world for five minutes she'd know what it was like to fall in love with a real guy, and what it's like to have to face him every day when he won't even look at you. It hurts. And I get that she's tired of hearing about him. But if I knew how to get him out of my mind, I would. It's a fight between my heart and mind. And like the Copeland song says, no one really wins this time. Oh, how true that is. But if Rin was any kind of friend, I'd make an effort to stop for her. But, she's not. I just can't stand her, really. And a few days ago when I thought she was being a true friend when she asked Ethan to actually talk to me, I realized a couple hours later that she only did that for her sake. Not because it would actually help me. Granted, I understand where she's coming from, but still. And she thinks she's the "nicest person ever". Her words, not mine. She's so fucking full of herself, it's pitiful.

Oh, and Thursday, we were waiting for the bus, and there were a few guys and a chick waiting, too. When we walked over, she was screaming and yelling about something. I don't remember what. And the entire time we were there, I only heard her voice. No one else's. And on the phone later that evening (she called 'cause she had a question about the homework in one of our classes), she mentioned that the guys waiting for the bus were loud and obnoxious. I was just... Baffled and confused. I never heard them over her voice, and she had the audacity to say they were annoying?? The fuck, man? I almost wanted to scream at her, "You fucking idiot, that was you who was loud and obnoxious!!" But I kept my mouth shut.

So Friday, Kendall found me. And we were talking for a little while in the cafeteria about Ethan. How I love him, or like him, and how he won't talk to me. He didn't really provide any good feedback, despite the fact that he's friends with Ethan. And he kept making comments about me being attractive and stuff...

The story behind him is that when we met our first semester here (Fall 2010), he mentioned that he liked me and started finding me places and talking to me. And then he went behind my back and got my cellular number from Zach. Zacheriah (as Gina and I would call him) and I went to high school together, and we were somewhat close friends during Chemistry in eleventh grade and our computer class during our second semester here. He's a fat loser who dropped out, though, and probably sits at home jacking off all day.

Anyways, Kendall was completely creeping on me that fall. And I would curl up on my couch and wish that Victor would take it all away. This was during the time I was really into him. Before the Ethan thing began.

It's funny. When the world bothered me, I wanted Victor to make it better. When Victor was the problem, I wanted Ethan to make it all better.

So anyways. Kendall and I hung out today... I couldn't really say no, 'cause I just couldn't. I have a hard time saying no sometimes. Hence a lot of problems in my life. But anyways. It wasn't so bad, until when he finally left to go home (we were walking after dinner, and he realized he had to be home to meet someone thirty minutes prior). He made me give him a hug, and then he told me my boobs were big... And then when he got home, he sent me a message saying I had a nice ass, too.

Sure, the compliments are good, but it makes me uncomfortable when he watches me or says things like that. I don't even like when Ethan watches me. Although if he wanted to make any comment (like he has in the past), or place his hand anywhere (again), he could. But that's not the point. The point is, Kendall has a habit of making me feel uncomfortable, and he knows it. And he exploits it. And now, I can't cry to Ethan when things get bad like I could when Victor was the problem.

But, I could probably go to Victor. I have before, even as recently as last semester. I miss that guy so much. He was a good friend, despite the him jacking off on my couch and trying to shove his dick in my face. So he has a dark side to him. He's still a sweet guy, and he was there for me when I needed him. And I know he will be if I texted him now, too. I just wish he lived closer. He lives in Vermont, but he's going to college in western New York. Still, I'm in upstate New York, so he's still too far :( I miss him.

Anyways. I'mma try to sleep again. I couldn't before, so I came on here to write this and eat a some Doritos. Mmm. The Cool Ranch flavor.

Wasn't it at some point in time called Cooler Ranch? I can't remember. This is irrelevant.

So, go listen to "No One Really Wins" by Copeland, and I'll write to ya tomorrow. Maybe listen to "A New Day" by Michael Logozar, while you're at it. You can find it on ReverbNation. The Copeland song, probably on YouTube. Anyways, good night!

Last night I had an interesting dream...

My parents and I moved back to Connecticut, back to our old house in Ansonia. And my mom had to bring something to the neighbors or something, and she said that the kid there (who somehow was Zack, Katie's boyfriend) hadn't changed much at all. So I was going to go over to see if he remembered me after ten years. And then I was like, "Woah, I wonder if Tony remembers me..."

Then, there was another dream (or maybe just another part of that dream?) with Rin's professor in it. I don't know his last name, but his first name is Josh. I was like a representative for something, and I was showing him the products he could buy. (I don't even know...) And I was either standing really close or sitting next to him, 'cause I started kissing him. He kinda returned the kiss, but then pushed me away. Then I sadly remembered aloud that he's married, and I looked right at the wedding band on his hand. Wait! We had to be sitting on a floor (I think it was a gymnasium floor), 'cause then next he pulled me into his lap and looked right into my eyes. He then started caressing my leg. His phone rang, and his wife left a voicemail (which played as it recorded) saying that if he still cared about her, then they could work through what he was doing. I don't know how she knew he was with me, but she did. And she knew he was going to cheat. I don't know. It was a weird dream.

But, you know who Josh looks like? Ethan B. In the dream, not so much. But in real life he does. It bothered me at first. But then I realized that Josh is actually quite hot. Despite the fact that he's married and probably ten years older than me.

So anyways. I'm waiting for Rin to go on lunch break at 3:30. I'm starving now, though. Maybe I'll go get something to eat. I'm not really hungry, though. It's that feeling when your stomach wants something in it, but you don't want to eat food. I think I'll go have some fruit or a salad. Force myself to eat something, but something healthy instead of cookies (which was my first idea).

Is it just me, or does it feel like spring?

I feel really sick today. Like, I feel like I could puke or pass out any minute. Maybe that's because I didn't really have any dinner, and I didn't have any breakfast. I just feel bleh.

And I had a dream last night that Ethan texted me back. His signature was a <3 (which doesn't look like a heart...) and he said that he wasn't playing mind games, and that he doesn't hate me. It was really bizarre...

So I'm pretty tired. There's not much to do here on campus. I'm waiting for Rin to get here at one so we can have lunch. I told her I get out at noon-thirty, but she still said she wouldn't be here until one... It's whatever.

I'm just so tired and bored. This whole Ethan thing has taken more out of me than I ever thought possible... And it started the around November-December 2010. It's now fucking January 2012. Over a fucking year now.

Piece of shit...

Oh, and days like today make me remember why Rin has been my best friend for ten years. She talked to Ethan while at work.

"Would you please talk to her? I have nothing against you, but I'm really sick of hearing your name."

He simply nodded. So I guess he understands that I need to talk to him. Haha, I love that crazy girl. And she got me dinner, too, 'cause she knew I wouldn't get it myself.  Ethan works at the cafeteria, and no way was I going in there alone. And she knew that was coming, so she got me some dinner before she left. Yeah, it's the small things that count. And I suppose they add up to enough that equals my best friend.

Now that's not saying that Sammy and McKayla aren't my best friends, too. 'Cause they are. Sammy's always there for me. She's just a text or a post away. We have a blog we share together. We're on it almost every day, talking to each other. Ranting and raving, and role-playing! She's been a big help through a lot of things, and I'll never forget that. And McKayla... I talk to her on the phone every time something comes up. The Chad thing. The Hanna-Matt thing. The Rin thing. The Ethan B thing. The Ethan C thing. The Victor thing. The Timothy thing. The James thing. Yeah, she's always there.

My best friends know more about me than probably I do. And I love it. Those three girlies are my world. My best friends. They've pulled through with me for years now. And it means more than anything to me. Rin, for the past ten years. McKayla, for the past five or six years. And Sammy, for the past four or five. Yeah, that's way too long to deal with my craziness and moodiness. But they've done it. Is there an award for that? 'Cause they deserve one. I'll give them the next best thing: my love in return. They know I'm always there for them. It's a fact they can always count on. Yeah, I love friendships. I hope you guys do, too. If you don't have a best friend, make one. Be a friend to someone. When you actually realize that your life is taken care of by your best friends without even having to ask, it's the most amazing feeling.

Nothing's happened so far. I told you, I'm prepared for it. But I'm not giving up hope. I need patience. Maybe secretly he knows this, and is making me wait. I don't know. But I know he has a life, too, and that I can't expect him to be free on command. So, I'm going to wait. I won't say anything to him, and wait for him to be ready. But if he doesn't say anything in maybe a week or two, I'll ask him if we can still meet up and talk.

Good things happen to those who wait, right? I hope so. So I'm being patient. Giving him his space and time.

Other than that, today was an off and boring day. I got a walk in, though. I walked around campus three times. And I walked home. It felt good, and I feel less fat today! Haha. And tomorrow, Rin'll be able to use the fitness center (she'll be done with orientation for the class), so we can go work out. I'm excited. Gotta work on my figure!

Hm. I'm hungry. Food, here I come. What shall I stuff my face with? Hm...

So... I talked to Ethan. I can't believe I actually did it. I chickened out at first. But Rin kept pushing me. I had the perfect opportunity. I almost didn't take it. But I knew I'd regret it. Like I've regretted so many things in the past. But, I did it. Rin can't believe I had enough balls to do it.

I asked him to talk once more. He asked about what. His tone was so cold. I almost cried. But I had done enough crying last night. I was like beating my pillow, pissed at all the moments with him I had passed up. I told I wanted to talk about this, what's going on between us. He asked why. I told him that I needed to. I just simply needed it. He said maybe. I begged him. He said it depends on what's going on tonight. I asked if he could text me. He said he doesn't have my number. So I asked if I wrote it down if he'd text me. He said that if I had his number to text him. I said, "Yeah, I've tried that in the past... But sure." Then I walked away.

So... I gotta get all frustrations out now. If he decides to text me later, I want to be calm. Because I'm not really mad at him. Just at what he's doing. He's not an asshole. No one believes me. But I know he's not. I partly believe I deserve some of the shit he's putting me through. Part of me wonders why he's doing it. But I'll never know why he's doing it unless he tells me. So, hopefully we can talk tonight. I'm praying he'll text me back.

Honestly, I didn't expect it to get this far. I didn't think he'd pay any attention to me in the first place. He almost didn't. And now, I'm wondering if he'll really text me back. I'm prepared for him to not, and I'm prepared if he does. I'm just staying neutral. But I can still beg and hope.

Wow.

This weekend was horrible. I had a huge mental breakdown.

First, my parents said they were gonna come up for dinner, bring some things I needed, and take back things I didn't need. Then, they got half way here and said the roads were too bad. I don't know if they really were. One, my mom thinks a light shower of snow is horrible, and two, it was raining here where I go to college, only forty-five minutes away.

So... Yeah. I don't know for sure. But I was really mad.

At first, 'cause I got all ready for them then they just canceled. Then, because I the highlight of my Saturday night was going to dinner with my mommy and daddy, after playing Call of Duty with my dad all day. Then, because the only other option I had this weekend was to hang out with Rin.

I NEED a life. Like, it's going to become a matter of life or death here. I can't put up with Rin any longer. I just can't. I don't think you can fully understand what I'm going through until you spend just one day with her.

She breathes really loudly (like her body can't get enough oxygen to all her body). She is a SLOB; she eats constantly and there's crumbs and stains all over her shirt to prove. There's no "laughing quietly to myself" with her; she bellows out a LOUD guinea pig squeal all the time. Everything's always, "This bitch," or "This cunt," or, "Hey, bitch!" She thinks that's an appropriate way to address people. While I say, "Yeah, I've known this crazy for ten years now," her translation is, "I've been friends with this bitch for ten years." And she's said it many times before. I can act like a bitch, but I am NOT a bitch. She overuses the words bitch, cunt, and chick. I hate all three words now, 'cause of her. And she dresses as if everyone in the world wants to see her flab hang out all over. She wore a button-up blue shirt Thursday. With nothing underneath. One, it wasn't that thick of a shirt. Two, her stomach and chest made the buttons barely stay together. You could clearly see her bra and plenty of skin. And when she rose her hands above her head (which she often did to stretch), it rose to past her bellybutton. She uses the excuse, "I don't care what other people think." There's a difference between not caring what people think and not caring for decency. And then her profile picture on Facebook. It's just... Scary. I see it and I honestly want to cry. It freaked my mom and McKayla out the first time they saw it.

So... Yeah. That's my Rin rant.

On a side note, Nicky was in my dream last night. Story time!

Nick was my neighbor in Connecticut, and we were BEST (I mean, better than the best) friends. He was like my brother. My short Italian brother (he came up to about my chest). We went everywhere together. Dinner and shopping with my parents, dinner and a car ride in the convertible with his parents. Everything. We were in class together only in kindergarten. But then his grandmother realized how much we wanted to be in the same class, so in fifth grade, she said she was going to put us in the same class (somehow, she was a part of the school, but I don't know how?). And we were going to have a sleepover in his kitchen, with a tent and lanterns and everything, 'cause I've never been camping. And his mom loved me; we spent an hour once talking about Barbie dolls and how they've changed.

But then, I moved. We ruined everything the day we decided to move to upstate New York. It was the summer before fifth grade. The summer before I turned ten. I was told I wasn't allowed to tell Nick, 'cause it would shatter him. But I told some other friends, and he found out. Then his mother paid a visit to my mom, and was like, "Um, are you guys moving?" Of course she was mad! Not really, but she knew how much it was going to hurt Nick. She didn't want to see us go. I don't think either his mom or dad wanted to. And I don't think my parents would have moved if it weren't for the best. They knew how close Nick and I were. They knew how much it would hurt. But New York was safer than Connecticut. I was safer walking around town in the middle of the night where I live here than during the day at school there.

But even now, I wish I never moved. That summer was when I met Rin.

But that's not why I regret moving. It's because the way I'm constantly reminded of Nick that bothers me. Sure, I don't want to forget him. He was a part of the best time of my life. Childhood. Life was so much better then. And now, I keep having dreams about Nick. Ever couple months or so, he'll pop into a dream. It's not bad. Just nostalgic and sad. And I'll wake up depressed about not having contact with him now. I'm friends with him on Facebook, sure. But Facebook is fake, so it's not like really being his friend. And I've tried to make contact with him in the past, but it amounts to nothing. Obviously we can't go back to our friendship. But it's obviously not going to work trying to establish any sort of new one. And I'm not joking when I say I can't forget him. Every couple of months or so. He'll pop into my dreams, I'll be sad about it for a week or so, then it'll go away. Then, a couple months later, we'll go through it again.

Usually I can get through it without making a big deal out of it. But since I'm writing this blog, it's come to mind and I've written about it. But it's harder now 'cause I'm already depressed about Ethan B. I saw him today, and I almost threw something at him. I've been getting really bad about my anger lately. I need to channel it through walking, but it's too cold and rainy to go out. I hate it. I need to fucking walk off my stress and anger!!

So... Yeah. C'est ma vie. Malheureusement... That's my life. Unfortunately...

Yeah, I speak French. You better start remembering some phrases. I might occasionally use them in posts. I'll try to always translate after, though. But I might forget. Whoops.

Well... Bonne nuit. Good night.