I just remembered I never got to attend my last day of school. My very last day of school, senior year. I missed that last walk that seniors do. At the very end of the day, the seniors line up and walk through the halls, and all the other students line the halls and clap for them. I never got to do that last walk.

Damn surgeries. I never went to prom, either. I missed so much in high school. I wish I was there for more. I even missed my freshman homecoming because I was in the hospital. I wish I could have had a normal life. Oh, what I wouldn't give... I'd keep my friends, though. I loved them. I'd just have a more normal experience. Sans hospitals, sans surgeries, sans alienation, sans depression.

I'm excited. My dad actually shows that he cares about me wanting to be a writer. He was talking to one of his friends from work, and they have a friend who is a published novelist. And my dad connected me with this writer. I'm so happy!

After all the years my dad never supported my piano playing, having him support my writing is just amazing. This is amazing. I love him :D

The Walking Dead. Life would be so empty without this. Daryl and Glenn... My favorite characters. Although, I'm starting to like Carl a lot more. I hate Maggie and Laurie.

Norman Reedus is the fucking sexiest man alive! My absolute favorite actor. Definitely comes before Logan Lerman. If Norman Reedus ever dies, I think I will cry. He's just so delicious-looking! Haha.

You know what is even more strange? By Tuesday (October 16), the pain was gone. I still thought about him occasionally. But I wasn't moping around like I was on Sunday. I didn't cry. I just went back to my usual feeling down. Not heartbroken. But after my dream, I really started to miss him. I wanted to talk to him. There's still a certain safety I feel when thinking or talking about him. It's really hard to explain. It's not like we had an official relationship, but whatever we had... The "love" we claimed we shared, there was something in that. Like I was half of something big. Half of the love that we both shared.

And I want that back.

It's amazing how consumed I can get by a message sent on Saturday from a man in Serbia.

And all he had to say is, "I still love you."

Fuck distance. Damn it. In my dream, we were together. Physically, not as a couple. And we were in either his room or my room. Or some living room-bedroom place. And his laptop was on a bed or a table or something. And somehow, with the press of a button, I unblocked myself and re-added myself to his contact list. With a heart next to my name. Or something like that. And it was weird, because I like tricked him or something. Pulled a fast one on him. And he was, like, not amused. I was laughing, though, because I was actually able to trick him. But I was joking, so, on his computer, I went to undo it and re-delete myself, but he stopped me. He casually told me not to. And it was at that point in my dream that I realized he and I were sitting next to each other. It was so weird.

Fuck, I miss him. And damn, I wish we were closer together. Why is the world such a big place?

I sent him an e-mail, saying, "Hey. Can we talk?" And I unblocked him on Skype, upon Ashley's suggestion. And apparently he send me a message on Saturday, saying that he still loves me. I guess he's online now, 'cause it just sent to me.

I don't know what to do. I've missed him. A lot. And last night, I had a dream about him. I don't know if I love him still. But I know I've missed him. So maybe I do still love him. I don't know.

What I do know is, I have a lot of homework I actually need to do.

He's gone. He's really just gone.
I cried for hours yesterday. I curled up on my bed and just cried. I was beating on my pillow. I was just broken.

I love him. And he's gone. All because I won't flash him on cam. How is that fair?

He claimed he loved me. But I know it's a lie. He didn't. If he did, he'd have talked to me instead of demanding I flash him.

But I still love him. I'll always love him. And it just hurts. I feel so empty. And I'm so mad. Mad at myself for letting it get this far. Mad at him for doing this to me. Mad at the world for existing.

This just wasn't fair. Why did he do this to me? He knew from the very beginning he wanted nothing but breasts. So why did he string me along? Why did he pretend to love me? He even said he'd never give up. That he'd never leave. That he was here for me forever. All lies.

I want to forget about him. I hate him. I hope he dies alone. I hope he'll never find another girl. I hope he's miserable for as long as he lives. I hope he'll always remember me, and I hope someday he'll wish he wasn't this way. I hope he'll change. I hope he'll send me an email and ask for my forgiveness.

And again I'm fucking crying. I hate this. It's not fair. What did I do to deserve this? All I did was love him. I did for him as much as I could. And what do I get in return? This. Heartache and pain. And no one here to help me. And no matter what he's put me through, I still want to curl up into his arms and forget the world exists. Forget Ethan. I'm finally over him. No, I want Lazar. And it's going to be a long healing process before I'm over him completely.

So I told Ashley and Becca today. Told them I cut. Told them how I love this Serbian guy, and that it's killing me. Did it help? Kind of. Because I finally could talk about it to someone. I also made an appointment with the counseling center. I kind of don't want to tell her, the personal counselor, that I cut. Because it's probably going to turn into this huge ordeal that is just gonna be too much of a hassle. But, oh well... I just don't know what else to do. My long weekend at home kind of helped. I wish I could go back. Like, all day, I've just been ready to cry. On the verge of breaking down. Which is why I accidentally opened my mouth to Becca and Ashley. I wish I didn't. I don't know them as well as I know McKayla, Sammy, and Jess. But I told them instead. Blah.

If anyone is even reading my blog, I'm sure you're all sick of hearing about this shit. I'm sick of talking about this shit. But hey, no one's making you read my blog. You're willingly doing it. But, I'm going to try and talk less about Lazar and more about... Other things in my life.

Does he even listen to me? I was reading through conversations last night from the day we met. He didn't seem to listen to me at all. It made me so mad. And how do I feel about him now? I still fucking love him. Why? Because I'm stupid. Fucking stupid.
Thirteen minutes until class starts... Yuck. American History. I don't like it. I've got like five papers I gotta do for this class. Haha. And I should probably talk to my partner for this midterm assignment to see who we're going to interview. But, I'm too shy. And I don't feel like getting up.

Philosophy next! I love that class. Mostly, because of the guy I sit next to. Rafael. He's so damn sexy! I don't know if he's single, but I don't care. I'm too scared to talk to him anyways. But, I also love the class because it's a really interesting one. Now I know why this professor was so weird when I had him five semesters ago for English I. He's a frickin' philosophical professor.

After Philosophy, I have a midterm in Technical Writing. I hate that class... It's so fucking stupid and pointless. Oh well. Hopefully I'll pass this midterm.

I'm so bored. And tired. Why am I so tired? I want to go on an adventure. Like Lara Croft. Delve into some ancient, mystical tomb and discover some evil deity that I need to put back down. What I wouldn't give to be Lara Croft and live through a video game... Haha.

I have homework to do. But I just do not want to do it! Fuck homework!!

You know what just occurred to me last night? I've been into self-injury for a while. Yeah, this is really fucked up. But when I was a kid, I remember this one time when I was in time-out... You know the canisters of coffee, the ones you need to open with a can opener? Well, the top that was cut out with the can opener was laying on the counter next to where I stood in the corner. And I was mad or something, so I slid my thumbs along the sharp edge of the metal top. And I cut my thumbs. I did it on purpose. I knew what I was doing. And it hurt like a bitch. And for the next few days or whatever, I remember having a hard time eating peanuts, 'cause they were salty. Why I did this, I don't really remember. But I remember doing it. And it gets me thinking... That's exactly what I'm doing now with the razor.

And another thing, I love chewing my tongue and the inside of my cheeks. I love making my tongue bleed. I love the pain. More so when I was young, I would stand in front of the mirror and check out what I was biting off. I don't understand why I do this. I've just always done it.

Is this not something to be worried about? I don't know.

You know what I do know, though? I love Lazar. And it's not fair. What good does it do to love someone like this? It wasn't supposed to happen. When I talk to people on Omegle, it's just for quick entertainment. When I add them to Skype, AIM, or Kik, it's usually just to talk to them for a couple days, then forget about them. Hanna and Lazar are the only two exceptions. I finally cut Hanna out of my life. (After like three failed attempts in the past.) But Lazar... All I want to do is talk to him. I can't believe I've gotten this attached to a guy I met online, and this quickly. The Matt/Hanna thing was different, because it wasn't an online love thing, it was an online friend thing. But with Lazar... I didn't mean to fall for him. I didn't mean to love him. I never meant to get any closer than a few conversations. When I first met him, and he said he was from Serbia, I was thinking he was from the Middle East or something. Usually, I don't stay connected with people I meet online from that area. But then I realized Serbia wasn't in the Middle East. But still, I didn't expect to get this involved with him. I should have just stopped this before it got too far. I shouldn't have ever given him my Skype username. But I did. And now I can't undo it.

Gah! Do you know how sick of this I am? I was laying in bed last night, and I couldn't sleep. I was snuggled up to my teddy bear, but I didn't want my teddy bear there. I wanted Lazar there. I wanted to be snuggled up to him last night. I was so mad. I threw my teddy onto the floor. And I had a very hard time falling asleep. I've never felt that way before. What the fuck is he doing to me?? I still don't think I'm in love with him. I know I love him, but that's different than being in love. I love him. That's it. Until I'm able to spend time physically with him, I won't ever be able to be in love with him. Simple as that. And especially not until we start talking more. This talking to him every few days is killing me. I need him. I need to talk to him more. I just need him next to me. Fuck this shit! Fuck distance. Fuck the Internet. Fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck everything! It's just not fair!

I hate the universe. It's cruel and unfair.

This is really bad... I fucking love him. I really do. I can't stay mad at him long, because he just makes me smile too much. And it's just not fair...

And, Hanna and I had a huge blow-out... I think it was Friday. I deleted her and blocked her from Facebook, even. I was so tempted to tell her that the only good thing would be not having to feign interest in her life anymore. But I stopped myself and didn't say a word as she threw the insults at me. Then she texted me today apologizing for what she said. At this point, I don't care. I'm done with her. She's just been too much stress in my life. And I don't care to talk to her anymore, unlike Lazar. I want to talk to him.

The past four days he was offline, killed me. I cut my ankle again on... Thursday night, I think? I then fell asleep on my floor. I've really just moped around. I've just wanted to talk to him. But, at the same time, I was done with him. I was pissed. I was angry. I gave him what he wanted, and he left. Or, the other possibility was that what he got wasn't what he wanted. And I was mad either way. Then, there was that small chance that there was a legitimate reason as to why he was offline for four days. He was on tonight, and he said it was because the Internet in his dorm was down. Yeah, I guess I can believe that. But it still makes me sad, 'cause I just want to talk to him!! This is why I do not like online relationships. I want to see the guy I love every day. I want to snuggle up to him. I want him to hold me like we're the last two people on earth, and nothing bad can ever touch me. I need that physical support, in addition to the emotional support. I can only lean on my friends so much. I need a guy there for me. A guy I can be there for, too. He can't be that. Serbia is too far. He's far too far. And I hate it. That's why I don't like going online. Because I don't like falling for someone who I can't be with. I just want to forget he exists. Forget my feelings for him. Take my heart back and save it for someone closer. Because it's not fair to love someone so far away. It's just not fair...



On another note, I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that I had twins. They were infants. And I went home for the weekend (like in real life), and I forgot them at college. It was so weird. It was like they were just dolls or something, not real babies. But it was weird, because I'm pretty sure they were real babies.

Then, I had another dream. This one, I can't really explain. It was just... Really creepy. Damn, why are my dreams so inexplicable and weird and creepy? What I wouldn't give to go back and relive a dream! Just to figure out what it was all about! Haha.



You know what I never talked about? My birthday weekend with McKayla and Jess! I had such a great time. It was nice to see McKayla again. I hadn't seen her since... July? Yeah. July. Her birthday. And it was so great to see her on mine :D Her, Jess and I just hung out the entire weekend. Doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it. I wish Sammy could've been there. But she had to work :( But her and I hung out today to make up for it :) I had a great time with her. My grandparents came over, too, and we had a mini-birthday party for my dad and I. We had cake :P Sammy felt kinda awkward, though. I felt bad :( But it was fun overall. Her and I just watched videos on YouTube, and played Sims. Our typical things to do together :P It was nice. I've missed her, too. They are my three best friends. Sammy, McKayla, and Jess. I'm glad they're all in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with McKayla and Sammy. I miss them! But it's okay, because I think we have a friendship that will never die. At least, that's how I feel.



Now, to get out of Skype and play Sims for a couple hours. Lazar's Internet keeps freaking out. He's offline now. I don't know if it's because his Internet won't let him go back on, or if it's because he gave up trying and went to bed. I kinda wish he at least said goodnight, but oh well. He does it a lot, and it's annoying! But I understand that his Internet is annoying. So I just let it go... And I play Sims. I love the Supernatural expansion pack! It's by far the best one yet. It's so amazing!!!! :D

Well, goodnight my readers. Sorry if I bore you to death. But I need to vent somewhere. And I can vent anonymously on here. And maybe someone will read it. I'm just in way over my head, and this is the only way I can deal with it. Besides cutting. Because cutting doesn't help. I cut my arm again Friday, too. So my arm is cut up pretty good, and there are a few on my ankle. Not deep, just scratches, but it was enough to sting and bleed. I'm too afraid to cut any deeper. But, if I don't stop, I'll probably go deeper and deeper each time... I'm scared. I'm going to dig so far down I'll never get out. And I'll dig so deep it'll never heal.

Random Questions Survey
What does the world need less of?
     Greed and pain.

Are you artistic?
     Somewhat.

Have you ever yelled at a telemarketer?
     Nope. I've never really talked to one.

Weirdest pet you have ever had:
     A half-dead rat...

Worst childhood memory:
     Moving away from my best friend.

Have you ever gone to private school?
     No.

Two weird facts about yourself:
     I have a whole in my stomach, and I have a dimple on the back of my shoulder.

Have you ever asked someone out on a date?
     Nope.

Are you an ass?
     Don't think so.

What kind of computer do you have?
     Dell Inspiron.

Do you have any animals?
     Yep. Two cats and a Bichon Frise.

Have you done something bad today?
     Technically, yes. One-thirty in the morning counts as today. Funny that this fucking question is on this survey...

What physical feature do you get complimented on?
     My breasts.

What's the dumbest invention?
     Anything Apple. Or, the alarm clock.

Have you ever been in an ambulance?
     Yep, but I was too young to remember.

What type of drunk are you?
     Don't know yet.

Do you hold grudges?
     Sometimes, yeah.

Name four things you always have with you:
     My keys, my wallet, my Zune or cellular, and pens and paper.

What did you do yesterday?
     Go to classes and talk to Lazar and Hanna. Also, went for a walk with Jess.

Do you like yourself?
     Nope. I like myself even less at this point in time.

If you could punch one person, who would it be?
     Hmm... Probably Ashley. Or Ethan.

What would you do if a leprechaun jumped out of the bushes and stole your wallet?
     Check to see what drugs I'm on...

Favorites
     80's cartoon: Don't have one
     Drink: Strawberry and Vanilla Coolata from Dunkin' Donuts
     Color: Baby pink, baby blue, black, red, indigo, navy, dark pink
     Cookie: Chocolate chip and sugar cookies
      Gum: Orbits Bubblemint

Firsts
     Prom date: Never went to prom
     Job: Library assistant
     Love: Ethan
     Car: Hopefully my dad's 2001 GMC Sonoma
     Sport: Softball as a kid

What the fuck have I done?

Wow, I've posted in the past month. A lot more recent than I thought. But there's pretty muchly only one huge thing that has happened. I let a fucking man from Serbia turn my life upside down. Partially in a good way. Partially not in a good way. And, I tore up my arm for Hanna.

A week ago, I was on Omegle. I was bored and procrastinating. I didn't want to do this assignment for Nutrition. I wasn't expecting to get serious with anyone on there. I just go on there, fuck with some people's minds, then get off. Usually by asking philosophical or deep questions. Sometimes, I just chat.

But there was this one, Lazar, and he said he was from Serbia, and that I probably have never heard of it. Well, I had heard of it. And he was telling me not to judge him from being from here. I told him not to judge me from being from this place called America. So we were talking and what not, and he asked if I had Skype. Stupidly, I said yes.

So we start talking. He has a picture of himself as his display picture. And, boy... He's attractive. But he wanted me to go on cam so he could see what I looked like. And he said the most adorable thing...

"i don't care! you girls are complete idiots, really.... i don't care if you're wearing makeup or not, if you haven't slept enough, if your hair is messed up, i just fucking wanna see you? is that so hard to understand?"

So, needless to say, he finally convinced me to go on cam with him. And he's just so much more attractive. He's Serbian, but I guess Serbia is similar to Russia, and I have a definite thing for Russians... He just has a complete, unfair advantage.

So we're talking, and he keeps trying to get me to flash him. That's a big no for me. And, like... Talking to him is so stressful. He says the sweetest things, but keeps demanding I flash him. I just don't understand. Part of me wonders why he's doing this. He hasn't gotten anything. He keeps getting closer to my breasts, but I keep pushing him away. If he really only wants one thing, wouldn't he have given up by now? It's not like he needs me. He did a Finnish exchange student the other day. (Yeah, I'm not really the biggest fan of Finland right now.) So why is he being so persistant? The other part of me knows he's only after one thing, and he'll stop at nothing to get it. I just don't know if he'll leave once he gets it or not, though.

He broke through a huge wall last night, though. I really like him. He knows this. He says he really likes me, too. I don't know if I believe that. But we were talking about how he was adorable, and he told me to adore him. According to him, adoring is loving that you love someone. I didn't know what to say. My mind instantly agreed that I adored him, then I realized what that meant. I was a little speechless (like I am sometimes when he says the most romantic things). He knew what I was thinking. He just wanted me to say it. I told him I was way too scared to say it. Those three words hold so much power. I didn't want to give him the power. He finally coaxed it out of me. And I said it. The first time I ever really said those words to a guy in that manor. I texted it to Ethan once. Telling him that I loved him, or something. But I never said those three words, present tense, to a guy that I actually meant it to. Typing it was hard. Hitting enter was damn near impossible. My heart nearly sank. I couldn't breathe for a minute. I really, honestly, couldn't breathe, and I felt like the three words took the air from my lungs. He smiled. Then, he said it, too.

I love him. That part, I know. But am I in love with him? That part, I don't know. Loving him is different than being in love with him. See, my problem is that I fall too quickly for guys. My heart skips beats all the time. Thinking of Rafael (a really attractive guy in my Philosophy class) sometimes gets the same reaction. My heart skipped beats for Ethan, James, Chad, Vic, and many other guys. So how can I be sure this isn't just a temporary infatuation? I know I loved Ethan. I'm fairly certain about that. I'm okay with that, and I've moved on, even if it still hurts a little. But it scares me when I think about Lazar. He's going to be the reason I go insane. No doubt about it.

He's so... Complex. One minute, he's saying something romantic, helping me slowly and carefully take down the walls I put up to protect myself from the guys that I fall so quickly for. But the next minute, he's trying to run a wrecking ball into my walls. I'm terrified of him sometimes. Too scared of him to be comfortable around him. I'm afraid of what he's going to ask next. And I'm not afraid to say what I want to him, I just don't know how to convince him that I'm not ready to flash him. I don't know if I'll ever be. He keeps telling me that if I really did love him, I'd do it for him.

And you know what the biggest problem of this entire Lazar situation? He's come between Hanna and I.

The day after I met him, I was torn and confused. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to just be his friend. I wanted him to stop asking me to do something I didn't want to do. We had a rough night that first night. I didn't know who else to turn to, so I turned to Hanna. She understands online connections better than any of my other friends. That is where I messed up.

I shouldn't have involved her. Because she instantly hated him. I don't blame her. If the situation was reversed, I'd have half a mind to track him down and feed him his own balls. But she doesn't understand how I feel. I personally don't even understand how I feel. I've known him for a week.

But last night, her and I got into a huge fight. She was hurt and disappointed because I was still devoting my time to him. I was trying to help her with her homework, but I wouldn't even stop video chatting with him to help her. And I understand her point of view. She always tried so hard to talk to me. If she skipped school to talk to me, I'd punish her by not talking to her. If she ignored her friends to talk to me, I'd punish her by making her go hang out with them. She would find anyway to talk to me, and I'd always have rules as to why she couldn't talk to me. Not while I'm in class, not twenty-four-seven, not when I'm with my friends, not when I'm at work, not when I'm at home... She went out of her way to talk to me, and I blew her off. Then, I went out of my way to talk to him. Stayed up all night. Went on Skype during class, even though it meant getting kicked out of class if my professor caught me. She was always there for me. And he only put me through stress.

But, she doesn't get my side of the story. She broke my heart with the Mattie thing. I almost stopped talking to her. I was mad, and hurt. But we worked past it. Then, when she did it again, pretending to be a guy named Josh. I gave her plenty of opportunities to come clean, and she wouldn't. That's when I nearly ended it with her for real. I put her on tight restrictions, making her purely an online-friend.

But, when she was Mattie, I gave up more than what I've given up for Lazar. I lost so much more sleep. My grades suffered for a longer period of time. I even went out and bought a pre-paid cellular just to talk to her, because I was running up the minutes on the cellular my parents pay for. I spent my own money to talk to her. I did so much more for her. And I don't regret doing any of that. She was a fragile, hurt child who needed someone there for them. I was that for her.

But now, she won't reason with me about Lazar. I try to tell her that she means so much more than him. She means the world to me. She's one of my best friends. I can't lose her. But I need her to understand my situation. She won't. And it's frustrating me. She wants me to actually stop talking to Lazar completely. I don't know if it's because she doesn't like how he's taking me away from her, or if she doesn't like how he treats me. I don't know. But I don't want to ask. I just know that I'm going to have to learn how to juggle Hanna and Lazar. Because neither like it when I hang up with one to talk to the other... I can't choose between them. I'm just going to end up going insane. I really just can't make the decision. I love both.

And what really bothers Lazar is how he keeps begging me to flash him. He says he needs it. He says it's not all he wants, but he does want it, so desperately. I keep asking him to wait, because I'm not ready, and I don't really want to flash him yet. And I think it wouldn't have been that big a problem if I didn't do something for Hanna.

A while ago, I promised her that if she ever cut herself, I'd cut myself. I've done it before. I tore up her ankle. I poured boiling water on myself. I did it as a way to get her to stop. She didn't want me to do it, but I was stubborn. So she finally stopped hurting herself. But last night, she cut herself. Over me. So I cut myself. I took a razor (which was nice and sharp), and cut my arm. I did a pretty good job, I think. Not as good a job as I did on my ankle that one time. That was a bitch. What I did on my arm is a bit cleaner, and a little more spaced out. But it still hurt.

And, stupid me, told Lazar. I told him I did something bad, but I didn't think I should tell him. He forced it out of me. I told him I didn't know if he'd know what it was, because I didn't know if it was just an American thing. He knew what it was... And he was not happy. He wanted to see, but I wouldn't show him. I didn't want him to freak out on me... anymore than he already was.

But he was reasoning that if I did something I didn't want to do because I promised Hanna I would, it wasn't fair I wouldn't promise him something, too. He'll never understand that. And I think that's why, now, he's so adamant about me flashing him. I honestly think I'm driving him crazy. Not just mad, but like... I feel like he really is going crazy. I keep getting closer to doing it, then I stop. I get distracted, and we lose all progress. I'm afraid of him winning...

But you know what I'm more afraid of? I like cutting. I really do. I like the feeling. I like hurting. I hate cutting, I hate the reasons, I hate how people do it because it "makes them feel better". It doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't solve any problems. It doesn't release any stress. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't make my outside feel as bad as my inside feels. It just hurts, plain and simple. And the more I do it, the more tempting it is to do it again. I need to be strong and not do it. But when I cut my ankle for Hanna last time, it was hard to stop. I did it a couple times within that week. I think I could get addicted to this if I let myself. So I need to be careful. I find myself thinking about it a lot since last night. I want to do it again. I almost asked Hanna if she cut herself again, so I'd feel like I had a legitimate reason to cut again. This is a dangerous promise...

But I'm a dangerous person. And I feel like I'm going to go down a bad path if I don't watch myself. And I'm terrified. And the one I feel like I love is so far away. He's like twenty thousand miles away from me. I need him here. That's why I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to fall for him. But he kept encouraging it. He kept insisting it'd be okay if I did. He wanted me to. And I did. And now I'm afraid that it's going to hurt more to love him. I look at him on the screen, and I feel like I would do anything to be there next to him, snuggled into his arms, hiding from the world, resisting the temptations of the razor...

What the fuck have I done? I can't undo it. I can't forget he exists. I can't un-love him. I can't take back how I feel. I probably can't fix what happened between Hanna and I, either. I've fucked everything up. I wish I set a save-point in my life to right before I met him, and that I could go back to that point.