I try not to be a petty, self-pittying individual, though I know I am. I know I have meaningful relationships in my life and there are a lot of people who love me, and I am a lot more fortunate than many people. Please don't think that I'm not eternally grateful for all the love and support I have from so many people in my life, both family and friends. This is just a thought that weighs me down more often than it reasonably should.

At this point in life, in your mid- to late-twenties, you are to believe that everyone around you has been in love at least once before, or been in at least one real relationship, if you are the type of individual that wants that in life (because not everyone seeks the same type of relationship I desire). Usually it's as a teenager or young adult, either in high school or college. It's an intense fling with passion and love that fizzles out rather quickly; or it's a long-term, mutual companionship that ends badly; or it's something where both individuals have a mutual need or desire for the other. You see everyone around you living this. Then, you see everyone else around you your age, all the people you went to high school with, the people you knew in college, getting married and having children. Your cousins and siblings and friends are having their happily ever afters.

I'm sitting at home, never truly having been in love. I've had a few relationships that each concluding quicker than the last, each break-up becoming progressively more explosive. The first two relationships I had were empty, draining, and toxic. A lot of things changed for me in a very short period of time and I still regret decisions I made during that time. I've been in love once, and it wasn't mutual. I believe he wanted to love me, but he was so broken and self-loathing that he couldn't fathom how to love someone else and to believe in being loved in return. That "relationship" starved me of energy, left me empty for months and months. (I think I'm only starting to rebuild since that, and it ended the beginning of March 2018.) I gave way too much for that relationship than I could provide when receiving nothing in return. Recently, I had thought I could actually have something real, mutual, meaningful. I wanted to hold back but let myself, maybe forced myself, to set caution to the wind and fall for someone. It seemed like it was going well, really well, until he left an invite to hang out on read for well over a month. It was just a couple weeks ago that I awkwardly found out he had a girlfriend when someone else casually asked about her during game night.

I'm also sitting here, wondering if the stars and moons aligned and I found the right relationship and I was at a point in my life where I was ready to start a family, if I could even become pregnant. I've had complications (and still have flare-ups) that have caused doctors to question if my body is functioning in the proper ways. (In all other proper ways, since I was already born with a defect in one other part of my body.) And sooner rather than later, I will be forced to undergo at least a partial hysterectomy, if not a complete one. This will render me officially sterile. Not only was I born without an orifice and its relating muscles, but now I can't even do the one thing my body was designed to do.

I want to hold a tiny human in my arms, knowing that I helped to create that thing. My heart aches at how desperately I want that in life. Sure, I want that soul mate, that true love, something real and meaningful. But what I want more than that is a child, a bundle of terror that I and some unlucky guy unleashed onto this world. I want to look at my kid accomplish great things and be able to say, I made that. I know full well that you can have that same pride and love for a child that doesn't share your DNA. Don't get me wrong, I am not dissing that in any way, shape, or form. Being pregnant and having a child is just something that I personally want in life, a dream that has been all but crushed right in my face. And it's not by anyone's doing other than it's how nature decided to happen.

What I do have a little more control over is relationships, if only because it's equal parts give and take. (You can't control how others feel, but you can control how you treat others.) Why can't I at least have a significant other if I can't have a baby? Why must the universe take away not only my first life goal, but also my second? I know these are the sort of questions I should be addressing at therapy, and I am aware that medication has actually helped me in the past and could continue to help me in feeling better. I don't give medicine a long enough try before beginning to not care again. I could put so much more effort into myself and my mental health and perhaps see a difference in various aspects of my social, work, and personal life.

The only things that drive me each day are my cats. I know how that sounds and I don't care. Those two animals are everything to me, and are the only ones who have been there through everything for me and who have never let me down. Pets are truly the best friends anyone can have, because it's so pure. Animals don't pretend to like you so they can take advantage of you or backstab you in the future. Animals are honest and genuine. (Yes, cats, too. Cats are honest about using you only for your ability to open a can.) I always joke that they are lucky I love them when they pull brat moves, but I always correct and remind myself that I'm lucky to have them in my lives. My parents and friend and family have done so, so much for me throughout my entire life, but it is those two cats who have driven me to not only keep pushing, but to go forward.