Nothing's happened so far. I told you, I'm prepared for it. But I'm not giving up hope. I need patience. Maybe secretly he knows this, and is making me wait. I don't know. But I know he has a life, too, and that I can't expect him to be free on command. So, I'm going to wait. I won't say anything to him, and wait for him to be ready. But if he doesn't say anything in maybe a week or two, I'll ask him if we can still meet up and talk.

Good things happen to those who wait, right? I hope so. So I'm being patient. Giving him his space and time.

Other than that, today was an off and boring day. I got a walk in, though. I walked around campus three times. And I walked home. It felt good, and I feel less fat today! Haha. And tomorrow, Rin'll be able to use the fitness center (she'll be done with orientation for the class), so we can go work out. I'm excited. Gotta work on my figure!

Hm. I'm hungry. Food, here I come. What shall I stuff my face with? Hm...

So... I talked to Ethan. I can't believe I actually did it. I chickened out at first. But Rin kept pushing me. I had the perfect opportunity. I almost didn't take it. But I knew I'd regret it. Like I've regretted so many things in the past. But, I did it. Rin can't believe I had enough balls to do it.

I asked him to talk once more. He asked about what. His tone was so cold. I almost cried. But I had done enough crying last night. I was like beating my pillow, pissed at all the moments with him I had passed up. I told I wanted to talk about this, what's going on between us. He asked why. I told him that I needed to. I just simply needed it. He said maybe. I begged him. He said it depends on what's going on tonight. I asked if he could text me. He said he doesn't have my number. So I asked if I wrote it down if he'd text me. He said that if I had his number to text him. I said, "Yeah, I've tried that in the past... But sure." Then I walked away.

So... I gotta get all frustrations out now. If he decides to text me later, I want to be calm. Because I'm not really mad at him. Just at what he's doing. He's not an asshole. No one believes me. But I know he's not. I partly believe I deserve some of the shit he's putting me through. Part of me wonders why he's doing it. But I'll never know why he's doing it unless he tells me. So, hopefully we can talk tonight. I'm praying he'll text me back.

Honestly, I didn't expect it to get this far. I didn't think he'd pay any attention to me in the first place. He almost didn't. And now, I'm wondering if he'll really text me back. I'm prepared for him to not, and I'm prepared if he does. I'm just staying neutral. But I can still beg and hope.

Wow.

This weekend was horrible. I had a huge mental breakdown.

First, my parents said they were gonna come up for dinner, bring some things I needed, and take back things I didn't need. Then, they got half way here and said the roads were too bad. I don't know if they really were. One, my mom thinks a light shower of snow is horrible, and two, it was raining here where I go to college, only forty-five minutes away.

So... Yeah. I don't know for sure. But I was really mad.

At first, 'cause I got all ready for them then they just canceled. Then, because I the highlight of my Saturday night was going to dinner with my mommy and daddy, after playing Call of Duty with my dad all day. Then, because the only other option I had this weekend was to hang out with Rin.

I NEED a life. Like, it's going to become a matter of life or death here. I can't put up with Rin any longer. I just can't. I don't think you can fully understand what I'm going through until you spend just one day with her.

She breathes really loudly (like her body can't get enough oxygen to all her body). She is a SLOB; she eats constantly and there's crumbs and stains all over her shirt to prove. There's no "laughing quietly to myself" with her; she bellows out a LOUD guinea pig squeal all the time. Everything's always, "This bitch," or "This cunt," or, "Hey, bitch!" She thinks that's an appropriate way to address people. While I say, "Yeah, I've known this crazy for ten years now," her translation is, "I've been friends with this bitch for ten years." And she's said it many times before. I can act like a bitch, but I am NOT a bitch. She overuses the words bitch, cunt, and chick. I hate all three words now, 'cause of her. And she dresses as if everyone in the world wants to see her flab hang out all over. She wore a button-up blue shirt Thursday. With nothing underneath. One, it wasn't that thick of a shirt. Two, her stomach and chest made the buttons barely stay together. You could clearly see her bra and plenty of skin. And when she rose her hands above her head (which she often did to stretch), it rose to past her bellybutton. She uses the excuse, "I don't care what other people think." There's a difference between not caring what people think and not caring for decency. And then her profile picture on Facebook. It's just... Scary. I see it and I honestly want to cry. It freaked my mom and McKayla out the first time they saw it.

So... Yeah. That's my Rin rant.

On a side note, Nicky was in my dream last night. Story time!

Nick was my neighbor in Connecticut, and we were BEST (I mean, better than the best) friends. He was like my brother. My short Italian brother (he came up to about my chest). We went everywhere together. Dinner and shopping with my parents, dinner and a car ride in the convertible with his parents. Everything. We were in class together only in kindergarten. But then his grandmother realized how much we wanted to be in the same class, so in fifth grade, she said she was going to put us in the same class (somehow, she was a part of the school, but I don't know how?). And we were going to have a sleepover in his kitchen, with a tent and lanterns and everything, 'cause I've never been camping. And his mom loved me; we spent an hour once talking about Barbie dolls and how they've changed.

But then, I moved. We ruined everything the day we decided to move to upstate New York. It was the summer before fifth grade. The summer before I turned ten. I was told I wasn't allowed to tell Nick, 'cause it would shatter him. But I told some other friends, and he found out. Then his mother paid a visit to my mom, and was like, "Um, are you guys moving?" Of course she was mad! Not really, but she knew how much it was going to hurt Nick. She didn't want to see us go. I don't think either his mom or dad wanted to. And I don't think my parents would have moved if it weren't for the best. They knew how close Nick and I were. They knew how much it would hurt. But New York was safer than Connecticut. I was safer walking around town in the middle of the night where I live here than during the day at school there.

But even now, I wish I never moved. That summer was when I met Rin.

But that's not why I regret moving. It's because the way I'm constantly reminded of Nick that bothers me. Sure, I don't want to forget him. He was a part of the best time of my life. Childhood. Life was so much better then. And now, I keep having dreams about Nick. Ever couple months or so, he'll pop into a dream. It's not bad. Just nostalgic and sad. And I'll wake up depressed about not having contact with him now. I'm friends with him on Facebook, sure. But Facebook is fake, so it's not like really being his friend. And I've tried to make contact with him in the past, but it amounts to nothing. Obviously we can't go back to our friendship. But it's obviously not going to work trying to establish any sort of new one. And I'm not joking when I say I can't forget him. Every couple of months or so. He'll pop into my dreams, I'll be sad about it for a week or so, then it'll go away. Then, a couple months later, we'll go through it again.

Usually I can get through it without making a big deal out of it. But since I'm writing this blog, it's come to mind and I've written about it. But it's harder now 'cause I'm already depressed about Ethan B. I saw him today, and I almost threw something at him. I've been getting really bad about my anger lately. I need to channel it through walking, but it's too cold and rainy to go out. I hate it. I need to fucking walk off my stress and anger!!

So... Yeah. C'est ma vie. Malheureusement... That's my life. Unfortunately...

Yeah, I speak French. You better start remembering some phrases. I might occasionally use them in posts. I'll try to always translate after, though. But I might forget. Whoops.

Well... Bonne nuit. Good night.

I wish it was warmer out and not raining. I want to go for a walk. So bad. Walks help me calm myself. I started that last spring as a way to calm myself so that I wouldn't push Ethan away. It helped calm me, but it didn't help to keep Ethan.

Over the break, I was invited to the Honor Program at college. Today, I was invited to the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.

Now this is what I used to be like. I used to be smart. At Lincoln Hayes Elementary in Connecticut, I used to be student of the month a lot and got on the principal's list all the time, or something like that. I was always getting awards for being so smart. And I did I think at least once in middle school here in New York.

Maybe this is a sign of the apocalypse. I'm smart again. Ha.

But I'm stupid. I got locked out of my e-mail address during the break, so I couldn't get any letters of recommendation for the Honor Program. I learned on Monday, though, that I wasn't really locked out, and that I was just being stupid... And it makes me mad now. If I sent in my application and essay, and got the letters of recommendation in, I probably would have been accepted. It makes me so mad. I don't think Phi Theta Kappa is as good as the Honor Program. 'Cause if you're invited to PTK, you pay the sixty bucks and you're in. If you're invited to the Honor Program, you still gotta apply and get accepted. And, my friend's in PTK. Sure, she knows how to make it look like she's book smart. But she's stupid otherwise. And... Nevermind. I'll not get into all this here.

So. Yeah. I've had stomach pains pretty muchly all week, and back pains since about last Saturday. Not to mention I'm still not any better when it comes to the Ethan B situation. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't know about that. Lemme tell you a little story...

Once upon a time, during the Fall 2010 semester (my first semester here), I joined the theatre group as a techie. I worked back stage. And so I met these two very interesting guys.

One was Victor. A cute, funny teddy bear who gave awesome hugs.

The second was Ethan B. A creeper that could make people laugh.

The minute I saw Victor, I liked him. He was cute. The minute I heard of Ethan B, I was creeped out. It wasn't until a while later, when his hitting on me didn't creep me out, that I developed feelings for him.

Sandra, who was my best friend at the time, helped me decide. She said she kinda liked Victor too, so I said I'll like Ethan B instead. I couldn't decide, but I wasn't going to like the same guy she did. But after a little while, she got over Victor, and I heard that he liked me.

After things between Victor and I didn't work so well, I was a little shaky. He ended up jacking off on my couch, and I ended being devastated (stupidly) 'cause things didn't work out. But through it all, Ethan B was there for me. Yeah, I knew he was just trying to get in my pants (he was a twenty-one-year-old virgin trying too hard to get laid). But I wanted to believe he actually cared.

Well, he and I always fought. Or, more like I always yelled and bitched at him. I'd accuse him of not caring when in reality he did. Other times, I thought he cared when in reality he didn't. It was a complicated mess. And by the Spring 2011 semester, he was fed up with me, and I was just a horrific mess. I wanted him. I loved him. But I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I thought we were friends when the semester ended. I thought it was just all whatever between us. Then he deleted me off Facebook. I didn't realize this until the beginning of the Fall 2011 semester. And I tried to ask him why. What had happened between us, if it was something I did or what. He ignored me. Blocked me. Avoided me.

Well, that made me even more mad, and even more desperate to know the truth. But the more I pursued him to only discover the truth, the more he ran away. It got to the point where it was like I was stalking him. But I wasn't. I only wanted to get closure.

And that's all I still want. In my heart, I'm still begging for him to talk to me. To tell me that he was running away 'cause he really loved me too. In my mind, I know he's just the biggest asshole for treating me this way. But in my heart, I know that it was me who was the asshole to him. But my mind knows he's not good enough to deserve someone like me. My mind is ready to move on and wants nothing to do with that worthless fuck. But my heart needs closure before I can fully move on. I'm torn. And still, even after everything that happened last semester, I'm still attached to him. I never even kissed him. I wish I did, 'cause I feel like everything would be so much more different now if I had. I never slept with him. I wish I did, too, 'cause I know for a fact things would be different.

I don't want him now. But I wish I had him then. And I wish I could at least be his friend. He was good at being a friend. He was there when I needed him.

And even though I've tried, I can't get him out of my mind. First was Ethan C. Then Chad. Then there was Timothy (first kiss). Then there was James (second kiss). Then Ethan C again. Then Timothy again. Now no one. And it's when I'm alone that Ethan B drives me insane.

Wow, today was just full of events.

First, I had a hard time getting the bus. It didn't go past my apartment at 1:10 like it was supposed to, according to the schedule. It finally came at thirty minutes later. Then class lasted for about fifteen minutes. All that waiting just for a fifteen-minute class. But a friend of mine is there, besides Rin! Cassie, who I had French with my first semester here. I'm pretty excited about that :P

Then Rin and I got our supplies for our drawing class. Seventy bucks I paid. Fuck my life.

Then we just hung out until nine. It wasn't so bad today. We went to her place, then we went back to campus, then we just hung out in the Technology Building playing Monopoly using my tablet. I don't want to talk about who won.

So, I got home about half an hour ago. Yeah, it wasn't too bad of a day. Tomorrow isn't gonna be cool, though. I have a lot of classes :( Like, two! Haha.

Well, I'm off to go work on the project the president of the college has me working on. Just gotta do the corrections they sent me, then hopefully I'll be done with it. But I had a lot of fun with this! :D

Dude, last night I had a dream that my dad and I were rooming together 'cause he went back to school! It was actually kinda cool. He was my ride up to campus. I didn't need to wait for the bus! XD And the room we shared was pretty cool. When I go down to Connecticut, I have to sleep on the floor of the living room where he sleeps on the couch, so it's not like it's weird to share a room with him. Just, not the same bed... Haha. But yeah. It was a pretty interesting dream, at the least.

Wow, I had a bit of a hard time waking up this morning. I went to bed at eleven after reading for about half an hour or so. Then I woke up at three, downed an entire bottle of water, and went pee. Then I woke up at eight with my alarm, went pee, then kept snoozing the alarm until it finally stopped going off. Then I woke up at about quarter to eleven, or so. And now I'm putting clothes away. Haha :P Well, my only class today is at two, so I have time to waste. I know I better not get used to this, 'cause work is gonna ruin that all to hell... I fucking hate the library. Why can't I just work afternoons? Why can't the library just burn to the ground?

Okay, I don't wish that.

I'm very sad. I don't have my favorite professor this semester! :( I didn't have him my first semester here, but the last two I did. And I'm gonna miss him this time! :P Haha.

So... Off to eat something (even though I'm not hungry), finish putting some clothes away, and get ready to catch the bus at one-thirty.

Have a good day, my readers!

I seem to have forgotten about this blog... Whoops...

But I'm back at college now. Sitting at my desk in my lonely apartment... I love it :P It feels so good to be back. Although it was hell getting up here. My dad is such an asshole. And my mom doesn't help. I'm so glad to be away from them. I'm not going back until I have to. I'm going to ENJOY being up here. Like I always do. If only a certain friend of mine would not take up all my time, eat all my food, and stink my place up...

Boy, has it gotten cold out. I like it, when I'm inside. Then I can snuggle up in a nice warm blankie and be so nice and comfy!

So I painted my nails. They're this dark plum color. I like it.

Well... I have nothing much to say today. I'll write more tomorrow. I promise! G'night.

Wow, I haven't written in a while. I will take a minute to write now.

Wednesday I woke up at noon and took a shower. Then I played some LittleBigPlanet until Sammy came over. Then I played a little Final Fantasy XIII before her and I played some WoW together. I really don't like that game too much, but it keeps me occupied some times. You just sit there and do quests. There's no real story or point to the game. I'd much rather play Baldur's Gate, Icewind Dale, or Neverwinter Nights. Now there are some real amazing games. Or Tomb Raider, the Sims 3, or Call of Duty.

So that was Wednesday. I can't remember what time I went to bed. And Thursday... I don't think I did much at all. Played some LittleBigPlanet I think, and some Minecraft. And today, I played LittleBigPlanet with my dad, and Minecraft some. I love that game! Then we were messing around on PlayStation Home. That's a pretty awesome place. I have the Wizard's Den and the Playground Apartment pretty decked out. I LOVE the Wizard's Den. You should totally take a look at it. I'm quite impressed with it ;)

Hey, so I've noticed people are reading this blog. If you have a PlayStation 3 and a PSN account, you should add me. We could play some Call of Duty (Modern Warfare 2, Black Ops, or Modern Warfare 3), LittleBigPlanet, or some other game together. Or we could hang on PlayStation Home.

Or maybe not. I don't know you guys, and it'd be awkward. Hahaha.

So... That's what the past couple days have been like. Wednesday afternoon with Sammy and today with my daddy were pretty fun. Now, onward to the shower then the bedroom! Relaxation and cleansing, then bedtime. Peace, readers ;D

What a boring and uneventful day. I worked on the debate site some more, then played some LittleBigPlanet (the first one). Aced a couple story levels, then aced and collected all the bubbles on a few Pirates of the Caribbean levels. That was pretty fun. I think I'm gonna do that again tomorrow.

Damn it, Cotton wants to play now. Goodness, doggie.

Then, I transferred my portfolio site from Microsoft Expression Web to Adobe Dreamweaver. Although for a couple years now I've been very attached to Expression Web, I've gotten closer to Dreamweaver. It's just a lot nicer and easier to use, once you get the hang of it. I took a class a couple semesters ago in web designing, and we used Dreamweaver there, but I was still resistant. But now that I have a copy of it, I've grown accustom to it.

So... Then I cleaned the kitchen a little, started a load of laundry (that was already in the washer), and bathed Cotton. He looks so cute now! All clean, cut, and fresh-smelling. I guess that's a bit out of the ordinary. Haha, for me to bathe Cotton and for him to be clean XD I froze my toes off doing it, though. Our kitchen is cold. We only heat the front porch (it's enclosed and is the only room that has electric heating), 'cause the fuel to heat the rest of the house is way too expensive. I guess it got up to about nine hundred dollars a month. Woah, no. So we have little space heaters for our bedrooms. Mine and my parents (I'm an only child). But the front porch is my dad's man cave. It's painted navy and silver (for the Dallas Cowboys), there's an HD TV and his PlayStation 3, and a card/bumper pool table. So his man cave has become our living and dining room. The past summer, it was also my bedroom (I just felt like sleeping down here). It's pretty cozy down here.

But... It's two in the morning. I'm tired. Very sleepy. I think I fell asleep at six yesterday, and woke up at one. So I'mma head to bed now, and hopefully not sleep so late. Maybe I'll set my alarm on my tablet. 'Cause it did so well waking me up this morning. I woke up at eleven to use the potty, so I set it for noon 'cause I wanted to go back to sleep for just an hour. When it went off, I got up, hit snooze, and went back to sleep. It woke me up ten minutes later, but I ignored it. It went off for ten minutes, then snoozed itself. And didn't go back off. Of course I fell back asleep. Maybe if it were closer to me, it'd have woken me up better. Hahaha. I'm such a heavy sleeper. I may hate to sleep, but I hate to wake up, too. I'll sleep forever if you let me. And it's annoying!

Well. Nighty-ni—

"You're Gonna Go Far Kid", by the Offspring! I love this song. It just came on. I gotta stay up for this one... ;)

But, nighty-nights nonetheless.

Guten morgen! (Good morning in German.) Well, for me it us. I just woke up about thirty minutes ago. Yuck.

Well, considering I went to bed around six this morning... Yeah. I've gotta stop. But I get so involved in what I'm doing. I was writing my story (which is coming along great!), then I had to quickly write a blog post ('cause I depressingly forgot to yesterday), then I started messing around with the look of the blog again. It looks prettier now. And then when I got upstairs, I continued reading a book on my tablet through Kindle. I think the title is Loose Ends, by Terri Reid. It's a pretty good book, minus the fact that the dialogue isn't the best. It's kept me occupied this long.

Cotton (my adorable Bichon Frise) is sitting next to me. We're fighting over the spot where my arm should go when I'm typing on my laptop. He's sleeping on the arm of the recliner, with his head rested on my knee (I'm sitting Indian-style).

Well, I'm going to go back to doing nothing, I suppose. Nothing else to do.

Gah, I need a life.

Yesterday, I woke up at like two. I feel like such a bum. But then again, I went to bed at like three. What do I expect?

It snowed yesterday. I'm pretty excited about that. I love snow! My Christmas was ruined because there was no snow. Very depressing :(

So, I didn't do much all day. Took a shower, cooked lunch, hung out with McKayla (one of my two best friends). We finally exchanged Christmas gifts (I got her a gift card to Maurice's, and she got me some perfume and fuzzy socks) and played some LittleBigPlanet 2.

After McKayla left to go to dance (she's into Irish dancing), I worked on the website I'm starting with Rin. She's an annoying chick I've known since fifth grade. We were friends up until about tenth grade, off and on (because of our practically weekly fights), but then became friends again when she decided to go to college with me. We didn't talk much during the Spring 2011 semester (her first semester here), but this last one we became best friends again. She's like that annoying, embarrassing sister you just can't get rid of. I'm finally done trying to get rid of her. We're friends for life, whether or not I like it.

So, we were talking on Skype for a while, working on that and just chatting. Talking about her roommates (drama there!) and her English boyfriend (who she met on Runescape and hasn't met in person) who may or may not be cheating on her with this Canadian chick. Online boyfriends have been a problem for her (and in our friendship) since about eighth grade, give or take a year. I've just learned to let it go.

After my mom got home from work, we had a typical dinner for us. (I had a packet of butter noodles and she had a frozen dinner.) Then, I went over to McKayla's (she lives just up the street) for a couple hours.

And since I've been home, I've been fiddling with the debate site (the one I'm working on with Rin), and my portfolio site. I have all my stories (well, most) on this site, and I keep it password-protected so that I can share all my stories with my friends without having them technically published online. Publishers don't want things that have been published previously, and a website is technically published.

So... That's all I've pretty muchly done all day. I live quite a pathetic life.

At some point I gotta meet up with Sammy, my other best friend, to exchange Christmas presents and hang out. Hm...

And just to clarify things, Sandra is a chick I was best friends with my first year at college, but after a fight last May, I'm not friends with her or Katie, a chick that I was best friends with in middle and some high school with whom I also go to college. Now, Katie and Sandra room together in the apartment I was supposed to share with them. A true sign of the apocalypse is if I ever become friends with them again. Haha!

Well, other than the fact that I actually hung out with another human being other than my parents, and other than the fact that it snowed today, nothing much is out of the ordinary for me. Bummer. I'm kinda waiting for something amazing and spectacular to happen. I know this isn't just gonna happen on its own, though.

Oh, and by the way. Happy New Year!

I haven't found the damn tutorial yet. Or a button tutorial that I like, for that matter. Ugh. But I got this blog looking nice and pretty, though!

I just remembered a dream I had last night... Sandra was in it. Her and I had to switch rooms (we were in a dormitory with each dorm room being a single). And we just kinda struck up a conversation. I asked her how she was doing. She said she wasn't doing so well, or something like that. Something about a fight with Ben (it kinda reminds me now of the situation in "The One That Got Away" by Katy Perry) and how she's just alone now. It was a very depressing dream. Almost as if I still cared about her as a friend. I don't think the friendship we had died as quickly as I thought. I might not want to be friends with her again, but I don't wish the worst for her. It was just a really weird dream.

I'm creating this blog to document every day until December 21, 2012. I'm not sure if anything is going to happen. But I'd like to keep a diary/journal for myself. Just to see if I can notice anything different. Today, my mom woke me up at about one for brunch. We had pancakes and bacon. I have to say I'm getting sick of French toast and pancakes and bacon... But I'm not gonna say anything to Dad.

Little Em is sitting next to me. Cotton and Dad just came back from probably going outside. Ginger's probably here too. I'm out on the front porch.

That's basically the highlight of my day. Been looking everywhere for this one tutorial for making a gloss button I found months ago. It's frustrating me that I can't find it! And of course I never saved it in my favorites... No, that'd be too damn easy!

Well, nothing more to say right now. Gonna head back to Google to look more for that damn tutorial...