I had the most intense dream last night. It started with McKayla and I talking to these two boys, both of which I was interested in. Sometime later, either hours or a few days, I don't know, she and I were hanging out with one of the guys. It was daylight, and we were in a park. Then somehow it was dark and we were at maybe Walmart or something, in the parking lot. I like saw Zach somewhere or somehow or something. McKayla and the guy were like, he's not going to come over here. But he did, and he attacked me or something. The way he was portrayed in my dream was almost animalistic. It was weird. Then later that night, McKayla, the new guy, and I were in a bed. McKayla was in the middle, and I was clinging to both of them. The guy made some comment about how I was so happy to have both of them there, joking about me having a wife and a boyfriend or something. I laughed but pulled them both closer. I think I switched to being in the middle, because I remember snuggling up closer to him. I don't know how, but I chose this guy over the other one in the beginning of the dream, and I was happy with my decision. But the bed was on a porch and Zach showed up again. I remember, clear as day, pulling him to the side, and I could see his face. But he wouldn't look me in the eye. His hair covered his eyes. He didn't seem human, but I don't know if I knew that in the dream. But I told him that if he had communicated with me, we would still be together. I whispered that to him so the new guy wouldn't hear. I think he was there, attacking us, because he wanted me back but knew that wasn't a possibility, so he was just lashing out? I honestly don't know, but that's the feeling I got from the dream. But I think after I told Zach that, he left. I remember watching him walk away. I was scared at what had just happened.

Now, I miss him. It's killing me. I feel like breaking everything, and using the broken shards of what remains to cut myself open. I want the outside to feel as torn and shredded as the inside. Zach shattered my heart. That's how I know that what I felt for him was so strong. It makes me so mad that he was such a useless motherfucking asshole. I could never go back to him after everything that he did, and knowing that is the worst feeling. He was everything I wanted, everything I needed. He was perfect, minus the one little fact that he was, is, worthless. Maybe a year down the line, he and I will cross paths again, and maybe we can have a new start.

I came to the conclusion a short while ago that anytime I try to do something for myself, it comes back and bites me in the ass. So that's why I've stopped caring about full-time. I'm never going to actually get it. Kevin has no interest in being a mentor. Jason has no interest in mentoring me. My cats are old and my parents have no will to live, so by the time I'm thirty, I'll probably lose everything that means anything to me, so why bother trying to further myself? It's not going to mean anything. I already don't want to outlive my cats and there's no way in hell I can survive even a second without my parents, so there's no point.

And the worst part is, I've never felt so alone. McKayla is absent. Stephanie withdrew from me. John's a Danny Tanner Hallmark card, and I can't handle that. My mom overreacts and my dad's not comforting. I really don't have anyone to talk to who will listen and comfort me. Jason sneaks out to Elizabeth's car to comfort her when she cries. That's a part that I'm jealous of. I have no one and she does. She has a boyfriend, a manager, and a professor who care. I genuinely feel alone. Where is that other person who I'm supposed to be with? The person who is supposed to hold me when I cry and hate the people I hate and share late night secrets with. Where is he? I know he's not a she. I've contemplated that long enough and kissed enough women to know that it's not my thing. So how much longer do I have to go feeling alone and empty before I find that right person who lights my life and makes me feel complete? Have I already met this person? Is this person still in my life now, or is it someone I met when I was three? These are the kind of questions that make me so angry and anxious that make me want to throw break and tear things.

I really need a punching bag. Not only will it be good for my body, but I could really get some anger out. I feel like I only have one emotion: anger. Alex pointed it out. He says all I've been is angry for the past week. Stephane has pointed it out before, but long ago. I mean, I'll have moments where I laugh, but for the most part, I'm either stressed, angry, annoyed, or on occasions like today, empty, blank, or apathetic. I haven't felt content, peaceful, at ease, relaxed, or specifically happy, in a while. I mean, I feel complete and privileged when I get to hold either of my cats, but I can't take them with me to work. (Holy fuck, if I could, nothing in the world would matter. I'd be so happy and calm at work, it's not even funny. Oh, to be able to pet Princess and have her in my lap while I'm dealing with Straight Talk or asinine customers or useless managers...) I really need to see a therapist, talk to them and figure some shit out. But I just can't find the time. Working full-time hours (without full-time benefits, mind you) gives me only two days a week to do things, to be able to sleep in and enjoy not having to be out in public. How am I supposed to find balance while seeing a therapist? (Please refrain from pointing out that I often start work at eleven-thirty, noon, or one, giving me plenty of time to be productive in the mornings before work.)

How does an introvert with dysthymia (or possibly depression at this point) and anxiety schedule everything?

Oh, and to top this all of, I'm apparently a psy-vamp. A friend and coworker of mine who happens to be one as well has pointed this out to me, and tested and confirmed it. The other day, I was feeling tired and our other coworker was bouncing off the wall, so I drained his energy. I didn't tell him what I was doing, but the psy-vamp coworker asked if I had permission to feed. Confused, the hyper coworker said yes, so I put my hand on him. Immediately after, I had a small sugar high and his mood drooped. This kid is so oblivious anyway, that he wouldn't have understood what I was doing even if I had explained it to him. So, I'm beginning to believe that I'm a psy-vamp. I need to learn to hone these skills and use them to my advantage... And apparently, I need to find a battery.

But this whole me being a psy-vamp thing, does that explain why Zach, living with me, went to such a dark place? Cindy had said that the Zach who did what he did at the end wasn't the same Zach who worked there. She jokingly asked what I did to him. But what if there was an actual answer to that question? What if I actually drained him so much, I fucked with his mental stability? I worry about everything that I shouldn't be worrying about. I worry about things that I have no control over, things that are long since passed, things about which nothing can be done. I just worry way too fucking much. I'm worried about things Jason isn't. That's a quote of his, one that I use against Megan to annoy her. "You're worried about things I'm not." I had to throw that in there.

Much like Zach, Jason's on my mind constantly. It's just a thing.

On a side note, I purchased a new keyboard that I think I'm going to return. I don't really like it as much as I thought I would. I really prefer the old one I already had. Well, at least I can get it out of my system. I kept playing with it at work and I thought I wanted it. Now that I have it home and I'm using it, I realize it's not as nice as I thought. Now, onward to bigger and better things.

I used to say that I'll never kick Zach out. That changed. He lied to me, used my car to meet up with some chick he met on Tinder. Nia. He invited her to my apartment the week he would have been here alone, the week I was in Connecticut with McKayla. What did he expect to happen? Why did he think any of that was okay? He wasn't paying any of the bills, wasn't giving me a fucking dime. So I kicked him out, the day of a really nasty snow storm. March 2. I remember the date only because it was the night we celebrated my aunt's birthday, which is March 1. I didn't feel guilty at all. He was screaming at his mom on the phone the entire time. I was talking to my parents on the phone, too, pausing occasionally to scream at him about hurrying up and getting out. He accidentally left his Nintendo 64 and phone charger. I kept them, still have them. The charger I'll keep because whenever I finally upgrade my phone, I'll be able to use it. The Nintendo, I might try to sell. At one point I was thinking of driving to Buffalo as a day trip with Stephanie and drop it off on his door step. I wanted to maybe catch a glimpse of him, maybe get a chance to scream at him more. But I probably won't do that. I have enough shit in my life to deal with at the moment. Like Jason being a fucking useless prick.

I got drunk the night of Mother's Day and messaged him. I wrote this whole long thing about missing him but still hating him and shit. It was a whole thing. He didn't reply, but Stephanie asked him (against my wishes) if he got it and he said yes, but his opinion didn't matter back then so it didn't matter at this point in time. He irritates me. But I want to message him again, asking for his side of the story. I can contemplate and ponder for the rest of my life, but the truth of the matter is that I'll never know unless he tells me. Maybe next time I get drunk, I'll end up doing that and regretting it in the morning again... Because that's how I roll.

But I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. The first month or two were brutal. I thought about him every day, every night. All the fucking time. I still think of him occasionally. The most random things remind me of him. This feeling, this has convinced me that I truly did love him. Maybe still do, I don't know. But I know I did at one point in time. But there's no way that I could ever be with him again. I could never trust him. At least, I say that now. If I ever was presented with the choice for real, if he were to ever stand before me and ask for a second chance, I don't know what I'd actually say. I hate him but I miss him.

Living with him for the three months that I did, though, left me with some really unhealthy habits. I hate him for that, too. Yet again, though, I couldn't make it past three months. We lasted about two and a half months as an unofficial thing. He then lived with me for another month and a half. And it's been five months since that, and I'm still hung up on him.

You know the only person who has come close to making me forget about him? Jason. But you know who has recently pushed me away and discarded me like yesterday's trash? Jason. He is the current reason I'm spiraling in self-pity. He took Elizabeth under his wing and completely threw me to the side as if I didn't even exist. It was a rough week, at war with both of them. Slowly, I came to a truce with him, but an unstable one. I finally worked through things with her, and she and I are, I believe, good. I mean, I go to her about Jason and shit now, instead of treating her like an enemy. She has done nothing except accept Jason's tutelage. But why wouldn't she? It's her future, her potential career. I wouldn't expect her to reject that. I just thought that Jason would have taken us both under his wing. He didn't, and that's what killed me. Even today, when I asked him for keys, he said I had to wait because he needed to go show Elizabeth something. They weren't in the middle of anything yet. It would've taken him two minutes to unlock the cabinet for me to get keys, then he could've gone and taught Elizabeth whatever it was she needed to learn. But instead, he forgot about me. I didn't wait for him to come back, though. After he walked away, I found Alycia and had her get me keys. Hours later, after Elizabeth yelled at him for me, he was like, "Oh shit, Liz, I forgot." Yeah, no fucking shit, you useless piece of fucking garbage. I'm so done with him. He tells me I'm one of his peeps and that he doesn't hate me and that he thinks I have what it takes to move up at work, but the way he acts, I don't believe it. He does nothing for me. He took care of a couple of my absences, but I know that was just to shut me up so I don't go bitching to Andres or Tim about him fixing Elizabeth's absences. But it's whatever. I want nothing to do with that asshole anymore. He can take his stupid fucking head and shove it up Elizabeth's ass and the world will keep revolving.

Everything is so messed up right now. My feelings for him have yet to change. He gets jealous of other guys. He'll say things that are so obviously from jealousy, but denies being jealous. He took me through his hometown a few days ago on our way to Binghamton. Showed me where he grew up. We share a spoon while eating ice cream from the carton. We share drinks and food at the restaurant. We go out to eat all the time. And yet he claims to have no feelings for me. The only thing actual couples do that we don't is hug and kiss. My dad says he is having a hard time wrapping his head around the idea that not every woman is like his mother, with whom he has a piss-poor relationship. He said to give Zach an ultimatum, either you like me or you're out of here. Coming from someone who had a piss-poor relationship with his mother, my dad's advice is certainly something to think about. But I don't know. I can't understand Zach. And I wish so fucking much that I knew for sure whether I should keep waiting or move on. I wouldn't mind waiting and working on us if I knew he definitely still had feelings and would come around to wanting me again. But if I knew, one hundred percent, that he is completely over and there is no hope of winning him back over, I could commit to moving on. But not knowing for sure, I keep wavering. Because he'll say things like, "I have no feelings," as well as, "I'm going to stand outside the bar, looking through the window with binoculars." He's torturing me. Absolutely torturing me.

McKayla is getting annoyed with him. Megan and Mary Ann hate him for using me. John thinks I need to kick him out. Everyone is, rightfully so, against him. And in all fairness, I know he should go. I know I'll never have a single hope in getting over him if I live with him. I know some space and distance would be good for us if I truly want anything between us to work. But he has no one in his corner. He dislikes and has no respect for his mother and older brother. He was absolutely miserable in Buffalo. As unhappy as he is now, here, he'd be worse off there. His alleged friend since elementary school would have let him freeze to death in the snow than let him stay with her. He has no one. I care about him more than anyone. Of course I care enough to want to be there for him and be the one person in his corner. That is why I'll never kick him out. I just wish he'd make the decision to move out on his own. I wish he would hear me when I tell him looking at him is painful because I still have feelings for him. I wish he would hear me when I tell him I cry myself to sleep and would rather sleep on the couch than a cold, empty bed. I wish he would hear me when I tell him that I'm mad at him for not giving me a second chance. I wish he would hear me when I tell him he doesn't get to be jealous when he tells me he has no feelings for me. But he doesn't. And I don't know what to do anymore. I'm being torn in ten directions all at once and I'm beyond stretching; I'm beginning to tear.

I don't yell as often. I'm giving him his space. I love him living here. But I don't think he loves it. He seems miserable, and there's nothing I can do. I would give anything for us to be okay. I'm sleeping on the couch. He's in my bed. Except the past couple nights, I've slept in the bed and he's taken the couch, but only because I was doped up on Zzzquil, which I've been taking too much of lately.

I try to drink with him to maybe reconnect with him, but it backfires each time. I get a little too close and he pushes me away. Or, at least, that's what it seems. But it feels like rejection and it causes me to shut down because it hurts. It cuts into my soul, and I feel the sting in my heart. Almost always, I immediately go to bed. I chug Zzzquil and sleep for way too long. It's unhealthy. I know it's destroying me and numbing me. I seek attention from my male coworkers to fill the void. I'm not physically doing anything with them yet, but I already have plans to go out with one next payday. I mentioned it tonight in front of Zach, but said I was going with coworkers, plural. I don't know if I want to tell Zach I'm going out with another guy yet. If I was a hundred percent certain it would work to my benefit, I'd bring it up in a heartbeat. But I'm so afraid it'll push him away more. He doesn't seem like the type to fight for what he wants. He has too little motivation and self-confidence for that.

So what do I do? I don't cry anymore at the thought of not being able to kiss him, even though I would give anything to feel his lips on mine just once more. I would kill to have his hands all over me. I still do anything for him. But the other night I asked him how long we're going to live like this, with me doing everything for him. All he said was he was going to start applying for jobs more often. I think he actually did apply for some today. But that's not what I care about. Money is just money. Love is what I want. Affection. Attention. I don't want to just be roommates. I don't know if he knows for sure, but I keep dropping hints. I'm not good at just coming out and saying what I want. Mostly because I don't know when a good time to say something is, and partly because I hate confrontation. But sometimes it gets bottled up too long and I burst and my message is delivered, but both too late and not in an effective way. So it's pointless. But I don't think Zach wants to know that I want him and I'm in misery having to live with someone for which I have unrequited feelings. I don't entirely want him to know it, either, because then he might leave. And he has no where else to go.

I'm so stuck right now. So torn. I don't know what to do.

It's been too long since I've written. 2017 was a rough year for me. After I broke up with Shawn, I got myself into some trouble. John M. He was a supervisor, so above me in the chain of command. We both could've gotten fired for what we did. We kissed in the back room. I visited him in his car at the top of the parking lot, where cameras couldn't reach. I almost fell for him before coming to my senses. His wife was pregnant.

Then there was Spencer. A huge waste of time he was, much like Shawn. At first, while he was still in the hospital for suicidal thoughts, we connected. He was amazing. We could talk for hours on the phone. After he got out, everything went downhill. We met. He took my virginity. We drank too much and he pushed me too often. I spent so much money on gas for him. He didn't have a job the entire time we went out, so I paid for everything. He got mad when I said I couldn't, because he was like, but you have a job and I don't. I broke up with him because I drove almost an hour and a half to visit him, and he hid away in his game room to play Call of Duty. If he had played in the living room, that would've been fine. At least we could've been near each other. But he stuck his headphones on and shut the door. It took him between thirty to sixty minutes (can't remember) to realize I was gone. That was a rough break-up.

But even before I was done with Spencer, there was Zach. Just before I started spending time with him, I mentioned to McKayla that I don't fall for guys like I used to. Ethan, Vic, Lazar. I fell stupidly head-over-heels for them. I was hung up on Ethan for two years. But I could barely get through three months with either Spencer or Shawn. Then I fell for Zach.

Being with Zach has been both the most amazing thing ever to happen in my life, and the most destructive. I love him. I'm fully convinced. Stephanie once explained to me that love is the feeling I get when I look at Princess. And I get that feeling when I look at Zach. But I'm destroying him. He's destroying me. We're toxic together. But the thought of losing him leaves me unable to breathe. I feel like I'm holding him here, suffocating him, just because I don't want to lose him. I don't think he wants to be here anymore. I asked him last night why we used to cuddle watching movies but don't anymore. He said because I've screamed in his face too much. I've ruined what we had and I don't think we can get that back. Nothing kills me more than knowing I've ruined the best thing that has ever happened to me. The thought of never getting him back brings me to a dark place. Just typing this now, I can't breathe. I try to inhale and I just can't. I don't entirely want to. I don't want to let him go. I don't want to find someone new. I don't want anything but him. I think he might know that, but that's not going to do anything. It's not going to change the fact that all I do is yell at him. Even still, after we talked about the fact that all I do is yell, I can't stop.