Bear with me here as I try to sort through my emotions and thoughts. I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this, so this blog is my therapist, best friend, person who will let me rant and let me work through this shit so I don't implode.

Why do I want him to break up with me? I love him so much. He's all I want. So why am I hoping he gets sick of me and breaks up?

This is the longest realtionship I've been in. I'm not even sure how long. I think he decided upon August 8, but I'm not sure why. That makes this over a month. But these feelings, they've been present since, like, the beginning of the summer. I had feelings for Ethan for longer than this, but it was never this intense.

So I think I'm just scared. He keeps telling me we'll be together forever and that we're meant to each other and I'm the one. I think I believe that. Maybe he really is the one. By sometimes, I don't want to be the one, I don't want to be for him. Looking at my family, the trash I come from... He's from so much better. Am I really the kind of person to say I'm embarrassed to have him meet my parents? To tell him the truth about how we're all fuck ups, that I'm not good enough to stand beside him and his successful family, that I'll probably end up a disappointment like my parents?

But then as I think this, it makes me really wonder if any of this is true. The claims against my family. My parents just don't know how to manage themselves. Does that make them fails? I don't know. Am I destined to fail because that's all I know? Is it all I know? I think so. I don't know the first thing in being successful. I can't even keep up with my own healthcare. I've not really had any models. I'll just do the same thing to my children. Should I really be a mother? I'm so irresponsible and careless.

This is why I find no point in living or being in a relationship. Yes, I love him. Yes, he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. But I'm not good for him. I could never say goodbye to him. I need him to leave me. Because it's what's best for him in the long run.

Right?

I think it has finally clicked. I truly believe that he and I will be together for, at least, a very long time. I won't say forever, because no one knows what the future holds, but I am actually confident that he will always love me.

Tonight, he said the most unbelievable thing. He said he made a goal to make me laugh and smile everyday. I was speechless. Again, he brought me to tears. Like, before him, I had never cried over a guy in such a good way. I have never felt this way before. And oh, my god. It is the—THE single most amazing feeling ever to experience.

I think the sign of true love is believing no one has felt this way before, believing no love is as strong as ours. I know this can't be true, but it feels like it is. I always believed this sort of true love only existed in fairy tales. But now, thanks to Damon, I know it does happen in real life.

Because it has. I look at myself knowing I am worth something, because I can feel how much I mean to him. And I don't think this is a feeling tied to just him. If, under some unforseen circumstances, we actually do break up, I don't think this feeling will go away. This feeling of self-worth.

But I don't fear a break-up anymore. I know he loves me. And I know I love him. But if fate says we are not meant to be together... Fuck fate, I say! Haha. I will always be with Damon. For better or for worse.

I'll probably drive him mad. But it's okay. He drives me mad, too. We can be crazy together.

To anyone reading this... I hope you fall in love. I hope you find that one person you're meant to be with. Whatever shape, color, orientation, or gender that human may be. Whoever you are, whatever you've done. You deserve it. No matter if you feel like you don't, or if you feel like it's not possible for someone to love you or for your life to ever feel that good... You will get there. You will find that person who makes you feel like even the grayest sky is the most beautiful sight ever. Don't ever give up. Because when you find true love... Wow. You'll know. And you won't regret it.

If you are already in love, if you have already found that person... You know what I'm talking about. That person might drive you crazy and might make you want to pull your hair out or scream... But that person is also the best thing that has ever happened to you.

But that's not to say a significant other is the most important thing ever. You are. Your life is. You need to love yourself before you can ever love anyome else. But maybe you just need some help realizing the best parts of you. Having someone else or finding that one person isn't everything there is to life, though. It'll happen naturally when it's supposed to.