We bury my grandmother tomorrow. She passed away January 21, and we're burying her tomorrow. I don't want to do this. It's hard to believe she's really gone. I've avoided their house because I don't want to acknowledge that she's gone. I've been neglecting my grandfather, though. It's fucking hard. Losing Pop-Pop was hard, but I didn't have to face it because I didn't have to go to his house and directly feel his absence. I mean, it's hard enough that he isn't at any family functions, but it's not as bad as it would be if I had to go to his house. But going to Grampy's house, I can't do it. I did a couple times after Grammy's passing, but I was still numb. I was still taking pain killers. Her death has settled, but going back... I feel horrible that I can't face him but I just can't. Losing her has been so hard. I knew it would never be easy, but I wasn't prepared for it to be this difficult.

About four months ago I started a new job. About three and a half months ago this guy started working at the same place, same department. About a week and a half ago, I started talking to this new guy that I met on this dating website.

My coworker, John, is pretty awesome. He's adorable, has gorgeous eyes, is fun to mess with, can be caring (when he wants to be) but annoying at the same time. We get along really well, we have fun together at work, I've been told that we flirt a lot. But he is in a relationship. He's been friends with this girl for six or seven years, but in a relationship for the past two or three. She recently started working at the same place we work, but a different department. It has changed my friendship with John. It sucks. But he's also been getting less sleep because the girl doesn't drive. She's like eighteen or nineteen and doesn't have her license. So he has to drive her around. Seeing how she tends to work mornings and he tens to work nights, this is getting really difficult for him. One of our other coworkers, Chelsey, says that he's probably rethinking wanting to marry this girl. I really care about John. I've have feelings for him for a couple months now and it's been difficult to deal with. What, specifically these feelings are, I don't know. I don't know if I just like him as a friend and I like flirting with him and I simply don't want to share him with his girlfriend, or if I actually want more of a relationship with him. I do know that I hate his girlfriend, that I don't want her to work there anymore, and that I want our friendship to go back to the way it was.

And I've thought about it, and it really has changed. When I would say bite me to him, he would ask where. When I got annoyed with him about something, he would be like, "But you love me!" or "But I love you!" He doesn't say any of that anymore. He doesn't mess around with me like he used to--but he's also been more tired lately, and I guess sick, too probably from a lack of sleep), so maybe that's why. But still. I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were single...

At the same time, though, I've been getting really close to this guy, Dillon. He's just so amazing. The way we connect when talking, the way he seems actually interested and like he really cares, the way he's taken the time to understand me and actually wants to help me. Like, I can't explain what draws me to him, but it's there. We've spent hours talking each night for almost a week, and like... I don't know. We've had deeper conversations than I've ever had with any other guy. I don't feel as strongly for him as I did with, say, Ethan or Connor or Damon. But I feel like there might be more of a connection. Maybe not more than Damon. Not yet. But I knew Damon for over a year before I cut ties with him. I mean, there are flaws about Dillon. He's way too hyper and random--and that's coming from me. He's friends with all his exes, and he has this desire to fix everyone--even other females. I'm afraid I'll be far too jealous to be with him. I don't know. Then there's always my fear of intimacy. With John, there's no prospect for physical intimacy. With John, it's all just an emotional bond. We're truly just friends and as long as he has a girlfriend, it will always be that way. But Dillon, he's single. So that's why Dillon is more intimidating than John. It's safe to like John because nothing can happen there. It's dangerous to like Dillon because that would mean doing things I've never done before. I'm the type of person to want someone I can't have, and if I accidentally like someone I can have, I fuck it up on purpose. Also, I work with John. He's seen me on bad days, and on good. I've seen him in the same way. Dillon and I are just at the online communication stage. John and I see each other several times a week. So that's another reason I'm less afraid of John than Dillon.

And, something I've recently began to worry about is if Dillon and I--or anyone and I, for that matter--become a thing, how will that affect my friendship with John? How should it, versus how will it? The way John and I are, I would not be okay with if I were his girlfriend. So do I want to be like that, flirting shamelessly and fooling around with another guy at work while having a boyfriend? I mean, it's not like we're doing anything really wrong. But it's still just weird.

Oh, and something else: John has begun booping me on the head like a kitty. This started a couple days ago. Every time he does it, I want to just grab his hand. And yesterday he had a rubberband around his wrist and I kept snapping it. He let me. Physical contact. This has increased since his girlfriend started.  I probably think too into every little thing with John...And, he wants me to play PlayStation with him. We're friends on PSN, and that happened after his girlfriend started. He wants me to play 7 Days to Die with him. He says he and I will play, and he'll make me a master so that I can play with Dylan and not make a fool out of myself. Like, he had it all planned out. And when I'm having a bad day, John notices and he keeps asking until I tell him why. He says he cares (which, one day, was the reason I was having a bad day). Like... Man oh man.

So, will I fuck things with Dillon up on purpose? Will John break up with his girlfriend? If he does, will I have a chance? Do I want to stay single forever just for the chance with John? Or do I want to go for something I might actually have a chance at? For the first week, the more I thought about Dillon, the less I thought about John. Now, the more I think about John, the less I think about Dillon. I don't know what the fuck to do. This is certainly a first--being conflicted between two guys like this. And I can't even have one of them. He's taken.

I think a common theme here is that I never know what to do, and I never have a clear path in life. I have no idea what I want or how to achieve it. And I'm afraid of taking chances if it means closing other doors. That what if in life has me so stumped that I do nothing, because what if it isn't what I want? I feel like I'm just wasting my life because I don't know what I want.

I just want to take a peek into the future. Maybe just five years. See what it is I should be working towards. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I be with? I used to think surviving was the hardest part of life. It's a miracle that I've moved past that. Now, it's making decisions.

The professor helping me with my senior project once told me he never knew either of his grandmothers. Thinking back now, he missed out on so much. Grandmothers are the most amazing people in the world. Grandparents in general are. They're the ones you can get into trouble with, the ones who spoil you and love you unconditionally. At least, when you have the right grandparents. I had three of those kind of grandparents. I think I am one of the luckiest people because of that. Not everyone does.

But grandmothers. I've had both kinds. The kind that has little love to give out; the kind that calls aunts to come help out because she can't connect with the grandkids; the kind that makes loving grandchildren all about herself and a contest to see how great she can be, without ever really loving that grandchild. And I've also had the type that tries to learn the names of cartoon characters even though she can't pronounce Japanese words; the kind that knows exactly what you're going to order at a restaurant and what juice to bring down when visiting, the kind your parents don't usually buy for you; the kind that buys your pets Christmas presents each year even though she hardly ever sees them; the kind that knew all your friends and even treated the friends well; the kind that cares about your other side of the family, even though she rarely saw them too; the kind that remembers every dinky little gift you've given them and treats it like it was the absolute best thing ever; the kind that always has a hug and kind words even when you were just punished by your parents; the kind that would snuggle with you in bed when you visited her, and read part of some silly crime novel each night. Grammy was everything. Will always be everything.

Dad doesn't want me going over to see her. He says she's not herself. But I miss her already. I miss who she was. I would give anything to snuggle with her in bed and read some Nancy Drew-type novel with her. Or to go out into the trees and play house. Or to ride bikes with her and get scared about possible foxes nearby so that she can reassure me that everything was fine. Or go to the camp and make houses and buildings out of little rocks and twigs by the lake. Or go out rafting with her on Goodyear Lake and take a book and read it. Or play Bargain Hunter or some other board game from the fifties and sixties. Or watch movies with her only to hear her try to retell it later, turn a two-hour movie into a three-hour explanation. Or play school with her and try to teach her French that she loved listening to but could never pronounce. Or play piano with her, because she was really good and I always wanted to play like her. All the silly little things about her, I miss. All the things that I can see Mom got from her.

All the things you don't realize you miss until she's not herself anymore. I wish I was still at home so I can be with Mom. It can't be easy being all alone at home right now. At least she has Ginger. Even having a pet can make a world of difference when you're grieving. I know I wish I had my cats. Because you can cry to them and they can't judge you for crying, they can't cry and make it harder, you don't feel foolish or silly crying in front of them. And you don't have to worry about being strong for them. You can just let yourself cry and they're there to snuggle with you. But I really want to be with Mom right now. Crying with her isn't going to be easy. But I need her. I can't imagine what she's going through. She would tell herself that her parents would live forever because she didn't want to think about what would happen when they don't. Just like how I pretend my cats will live forever.

I didn't want to think about life after Grammy or Grampy either. I still don't. They just were always healthy and there. I took them for granted. I never really stopped and appreciated that they were there or that someday they won't be.

And now it's too late. Grammy will never be who she was. I just want to go hold her and never let go. I want to believe that that could somehow work. I love that silly woman so much. Just as much as I love Pop-Pop and Grampy. Those are just three amazing people that I never thought I'd have to live without. But my whole life I've been closest to Grammy. I was her dollie. I'll always be her dollie.

It would help if I were closer to Donna, Nathan, and Emily. I'm close to Donna and John, I guess. But like, with Pop-Pop, it was so nice to have Marissa, Lindsay, Liz, Sue, Jordan, and Jessica there. We all supported each other. Liz was there for Dad. I know Mom and Donna are there for each other. But like, I wish Nathan and Emily and I could be there for each other like we were on Dad's side. But at least I still have Dad's family now. And I have Dad. I don't want to make Mom feel worse. So I'll cry to Dad for now. I just wish I were home still so I could be with Mom. Maybe I'll go tomorrow night.