I almost lost my puppy last week.

And it terrifies me. I can't lose my baby boy.

His heart is enlarged. It was pressing against his lungs, which were full of fluids, and his esophagus or trachea or something. He wasn't eating or drinking. He hadn't eaten really anything from Sunday to Thursday. So I went home this past weekend. I think it helped him for me to be there. I hadn't been home since Easter. I had missed my baby. But I got him to eat a little, as did my parents. So he's doing better.

But he's still not eating a whole lot. And it really worries me. I can't lose that dog. He's my everything. He and my cats, who are thankfully okay. I snuggled with all three of them all weekend. It was nice.

And the doctor called and said the fucking tumor wasn't cancerous. If I don't lose my dog, I'll be happy these tumors aren't cancerous. If I lose my dog, I will hate God. Not that I really believe he exists. I don't know what to believe. I don't know what's up there. I don't know what I can't see and experience myself. I don't know what there's no proof of. I know kangaroos are real although I've never seen one. There's physical, concrete proof of them. I don't know if ghosts exist, because there's no concrete proof of them existing. I haven't seen one. I know there's some sort of fate system going on. I've experienced that. But what controls that, or who, I don't know. So maybe there's a God. Maybe not the god the Bible talks about. (Who wrote the Bible? Just a bunch of random people. So how do we know it's actually God's words?) And I don't believe in Jesus. I believe there was a man wandering around who's name was Jesus who claimed to be God's true son. But aren't we all God's children? Isn't that what they tell you at Sunday school? So why is Jesus the special one? And if magic is satanic and we can't believe in it because it doesn't exist, how did God impregnate Mary? That's magic right there. But magic is witchcraft, and that's not Christian or Catholic or whatever. So how does that happen? It doesn't make sense. And doesn't God love all his children, no matter what they do? So saying God hates certain types of people (homosexuals, for example) is contradictory. It's people being afraid of something that's not their own personal normal, and pretending they know God's feelings about it. They don't. The Bible doesn't know. The Bible wasn't written by the actual hand of God. It was written by random people who claimed to know his message. How do we know that's true? Because we have to trust in God! But is trusting some random stranger the same as trusting God? I say that God told me to tell you to fuck yourself. If you don't believe me, is that going against God? I don't think so. So if I don't believe these people who wrote the Bible, does that mean I don't believe God? I think not.

I think religion is a cult. I think Jesus isn't who he claimed to be. He was just a man. A regular man, like everyone else. He was never resurrected. That's not physically possible without magic. And magic is a totally different area of belief.

Anyways. C'est la vie, je suppose. Malheureusement.