2013. This entire year. I just want to restart it.

I'm so tired of it all. I miss Cotton. I miss my Pop-Pop, which I lost a little over a month after losing Cotton. June 25. Exactly one month ago today.

Why does life suck? Why can't I just wake up from this nightmare?

I thought I was getting better after Cotton. But Rin came and visited the other day (last week, I think), and I just about broke down talking to her about it. I would have if I didn't keep myself together to avoid breaking down in front of her. But I did today, too. I was taking pictures with my camera, and when I put the memory card into my computer to sort the pictures, I made a folder for Little Em, Porky, and Ginger. Only three folders. That's one less than I normally make. And it just tore my heart. Little things like this keep hitting me, reminding me that I've lost a huge part of my world. But then as I was sorting through the pictures, I found a couple of Cotton from Christmas time. And that was what broke me. I cried for a while. It didn't feel good, like people usually feel after a good cry. It just made me feel empty. Hollow. Because that's what I feel like without Cotton.

And it makes me feel bad, because I've cried more for Cotton than my grandfather. Don't get me wrong, I miss him. I hate that he passed away. But after Cotton, I just had no energy left inside me to grieve. And the sad reality of it is that I was closer to Cotton than my grandfather, because I lived with Cotton and took care of him. He was my baby. But that doesn't lessen the pain of losing my grandfather. In reality, it was harder seeing him go than Cotton. But living each day without Cotton is more noticeable than living each day without my grandfather.

It's just this entire year. I really want to wake up. I thought that maybe I had fallen asleep before presenting my final for my Thursday night class, right before my dad texted me about Cotton. But now I'm hoping I fell asleep January 1. I just want a chance to redo this year. Spend more time with the people who matter most to me. Because you really never do know when the last time you'll see them is. I don't want to jinx it, or wish for it, but I'm just wondering what else is going to go wrong this year. I always knew thirteen was an unlucky number. I just never realized it would make such an unlucky year. A shitty year. The worst year of my life. All four years in high school combined weren't as bad as this one year. And it's only half over. I really don't want to see what else this year has in store. It's just been too much already. I want it to end.

If the entire world ended, then everyone could die all at once. And there'd be no grieving, because we'd all be dead together. And we'd all be together in whatever afterlife has to be waiting for us. To give me a chance to see my grandparents and Cotton again. And while we're at it, my first kitty. Emmett. Big Emmy. The one three of my cats were named after, including the two amazing kitties I have now.

I have to think positive. It's hard for me, though. But I have to. If I let all the negativity in my mind conquer me, I think I'll drown. There have been so many moments where I've come close. For some moments, I've been physically close. Others, most others, I've just been mentally close to losing it. Like I am now. I just can't take any more of this fucking shit. It has to be over soon. Everything. Life. Human life. The Earth. Everything. I just beg for it all to end. I don't want people to be sad over my death. (Though I believe few would actually be.) And I don't want to leave monetary problems behind. But if we all died, it'd be perfect. I keep praying for that world-ending disaster to happen. I wanted it to happen in fucking 2012. Before this fucking shit-cursed year ever had a chance of happening.

Maybe we all are dead. And this is my hell. It's a slow hell, as to not make it so obvious that I'm there. But I'm suffering enough for it to be known that this is hell. I guess I wasn't a good person. I never thought I'd go to a good place. I always figured I'd go to hell. I just never realized it'd hurt this much. I thought it would be physical pain and torture. Rotting in chains in an inferno of a wasteland. I never knew it'd feel so real, and it would traumatize me and slowly eat at my heart and soul, taking everything that makes up my world one little, heart-wrenching piece at a time.