Last year at this time, I was groaning to myself about how I had to spend another Christmas Eve with the cow and her welfare clan of trash.

But this year, I wish Christmas Eve could have been spent the same exact way.

I miss him. Having Christmas Eve at Marissa's house just wasn't the same. Sure, it was fun. I really did have a great time with my cousins. I love them all so much. I love my family. They're really a great family. And dinner was delicious. Marissa baked a ham, which was amazing. The food was edible, which is something I've never been able to say about previous dinners at Christmas Eve. And the gift-giving part was fun. It wasn't the trash clan having Christmas while we sat around, watching. Well did a secret Santa kind of thing, and a few got gifts for Jordan and Jessie, the only two kids left (because Christmas should really be more for the kids). It was really a lot of fun.

But it didn't feel like Christmas Eve. Not without being at Pop-Pop's house.

And it hurts, because now, it's really starting to hit me that he's gone. The first five or so months weren't that bad, because it was hard to notice him gone. I really didn't see him that much. So nothing really changed. (Except the few times, during bus rides or late at night, when I would cry myself to sleep, thinking of that last time I saw him.) But tonight, it really hurts. Because it's dawning on me that he won't get to see another Christmas. And I won't get to see him again.

I can't even imagine how Dad must feel right now. God, I don't even want to. The pain must be unbearable. Losing a parent? And in particular, one he was so damn close to? I don't even want to think about losing my parents. It hurts too much to even think about it. But now, Dad can only think about what it was like for his father to be here. It's the same with his sisters, too. Especially Liz. She was daddy's girl, I think. I don't know how they do it. All four of them.

But it's hard. It doesn't feel like Christmas. I don't even care that it is, really. Not right now. Not anymore. There's really only two things on my list this year.

Pop-Pop and Cotton.

But right now, most importantly, Pop-Pop.

But Merry Christmas to you all. And, if you're missing a loved one right now (be it a relative or close friend or anyone), then I'm sorry. I know what you're going through. And it really makes the holidays shitty, doesn't it? But hold on to their memory, and make it a great holiday for them, okay? Try to smile, because it's what they would have wanted. They wouldn't want you to waste your Christmas by being sad over them. They want you to carry on their traditions, and make their memories live on. Be sad about them another day. Not today. Smile, and know that their bodies may be gone, but their lives are still in your hearts and memories.

And if you're holding a grudge against someone, forgive them. Whatever they did, don't waste your time dwelling on it. It does no one any good. I know it's hard, but in the end, it'll be worth it. Try to forgive and forget. If you can't, forgive but never forget. But if forgiveness isn't possible, then just forget. Sometimes, you just can't forgive some things people do. But holding it against them is unhealthy for you. What goes around comes around, right? For your sanity, just believe in that. Move on and stop wasting your precious time worrying about it.

Let's try that together, no?