Bear with me here as I try to sort through my emotions and thoughts. I don't exactly have anyone to talk to about this, so this blog is my therapist, best friend, person who will let me rant and let me work through this shit so I don't implode.
Why do I want him to break up with me? I love him so much. He's all I want. So why am I hoping he gets sick of me and breaks up?
This is the longest realtionship I've been in. I'm not even sure how long. I think he decided upon August 8, but I'm not sure why. That makes this over a month. But these feelings, they've been present since, like, the beginning of the summer. I had feelings for Ethan for longer than this, but it was never this intense.
So I think I'm just scared. He keeps telling me we'll be together forever and that we're meant to each other and I'm the one. I think I believe that. Maybe he really is the one. By sometimes, I don't want to be the one, I don't want to be for him. Looking at my family, the trash I come from... He's from so much better. Am I really the kind of person to say I'm embarrassed to have him meet my parents? To tell him the truth about how we're all fuck ups, that I'm not good enough to stand beside him and his successful family, that I'll probably end up a disappointment like my parents?
But then as I think this, it makes me really wonder if any of this is true. The claims against my family. My parents just don't know how to manage themselves. Does that make them fails? I don't know. Am I destined to fail because that's all I know? Is it all I know? I think so. I don't know the first thing in being successful. I can't even keep up with my own healthcare. I've not really had any models. I'll just do the same thing to my children. Should I really be a mother? I'm so irresponsible and careless.
This is why I find no point in living or being in a relationship. Yes, I love him. Yes, he is the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. But I'm not good for him. I could never say goodbye to him. I need him to leave me. Because it's what's best for him in the long run.
Right?