I don't yell as often. I'm giving him his space. I love him living here. But I don't think he loves it. He seems miserable, and there's nothing I can do. I would give anything for us to be okay. I'm sleeping on the couch. He's in my bed. Except the past couple nights, I've slept in the bed and he's taken the couch, but only because I was doped up on Zzzquil, which I've been taking too much of lately.

I try to drink with him to maybe reconnect with him, but it backfires each time. I get a little too close and he pushes me away. Or, at least, that's what it seems. But it feels like rejection and it causes me to shut down because it hurts. It cuts into my soul, and I feel the sting in my heart. Almost always, I immediately go to bed. I chug Zzzquil and sleep for way too long. It's unhealthy. I know it's destroying me and numbing me. I seek attention from my male coworkers to fill the void. I'm not physically doing anything with them yet, but I already have plans to go out with one next payday. I mentioned it tonight in front of Zach, but said I was going with coworkers, plural. I don't know if I want to tell Zach I'm going out with another guy yet. If I was a hundred percent certain it would work to my benefit, I'd bring it up in a heartbeat. But I'm so afraid it'll push him away more. He doesn't seem like the type to fight for what he wants. He has too little motivation and self-confidence for that.

So what do I do? I don't cry anymore at the thought of not being able to kiss him, even though I would give anything to feel his lips on mine just once more. I would kill to have his hands all over me. I still do anything for him. But the other night I asked him how long we're going to live like this, with me doing everything for him. All he said was he was going to start applying for jobs more often. I think he actually did apply for some today. But that's not what I care about. Money is just money. Love is what I want. Affection. Attention. I don't want to just be roommates. I don't know if he knows for sure, but I keep dropping hints. I'm not good at just coming out and saying what I want. Mostly because I don't know when a good time to say something is, and partly because I hate confrontation. But sometimes it gets bottled up too long and I burst and my message is delivered, but both too late and not in an effective way. So it's pointless. But I don't think Zach wants to know that I want him and I'm in misery having to live with someone for which I have unrequited feelings. I don't entirely want him to know it, either, because then he might leave. And he has no where else to go.

I'm so stuck right now. So torn. I don't know what to do.