I used to say that I'll never kick Zach out. That changed. He lied to me, used my car to meet up with some chick he met on Tinder. Nia. He invited her to my apartment the week he would have been here alone, the week I was in Connecticut with McKayla. What did he expect to happen? Why did he think any of that was okay? He wasn't paying any of the bills, wasn't giving me a fucking dime. So I kicked him out, the day of a really nasty snow storm. March 2. I remember the date only because it was the night we celebrated my aunt's birthday, which is March 1. I didn't feel guilty at all. He was screaming at his mom on the phone the entire time. I was talking to my parents on the phone, too, pausing occasionally to scream at him about hurrying up and getting out. He accidentally left his Nintendo 64 and phone charger. I kept them, still have them. The charger I'll keep because whenever I finally upgrade my phone, I'll be able to use it. The Nintendo, I might try to sell. At one point I was thinking of driving to Buffalo as a day trip with Stephanie and drop it off on his door step. I wanted to maybe catch a glimpse of him, maybe get a chance to scream at him more. But I probably won't do that. I have enough shit in my life to deal with at the moment. Like Jason being a fucking useless prick.

I got drunk the night of Mother's Day and messaged him. I wrote this whole long thing about missing him but still hating him and shit. It was a whole thing. He didn't reply, but Stephanie asked him (against my wishes) if he got it and he said yes, but his opinion didn't matter back then so it didn't matter at this point in time. He irritates me. But I want to message him again, asking for his side of the story. I can contemplate and ponder for the rest of my life, but the truth of the matter is that I'll never know unless he tells me. Maybe next time I get drunk, I'll end up doing that and regretting it in the morning again... Because that's how I roll.

But I never knew it was possible to miss someone this much. The first month or two were brutal. I thought about him every day, every night. All the fucking time. I still think of him occasionally. The most random things remind me of him. This feeling, this has convinced me that I truly did love him. Maybe still do, I don't know. But I know I did at one point in time. But there's no way that I could ever be with him again. I could never trust him. At least, I say that now. If I ever was presented with the choice for real, if he were to ever stand before me and ask for a second chance, I don't know what I'd actually say. I hate him but I miss him.

Living with him for the three months that I did, though, left me with some really unhealthy habits. I hate him for that, too. Yet again, though, I couldn't make it past three months. We lasted about two and a half months as an unofficial thing. He then lived with me for another month and a half. And it's been five months since that, and I'm still hung up on him.

You know the only person who has come close to making me forget about him? Jason. But you know who has recently pushed me away and discarded me like yesterday's trash? Jason. He is the current reason I'm spiraling in self-pity. He took Elizabeth under his wing and completely threw me to the side as if I didn't even exist. It was a rough week, at war with both of them. Slowly, I came to a truce with him, but an unstable one. I finally worked through things with her, and she and I are, I believe, good. I mean, I go to her about Jason and shit now, instead of treating her like an enemy. She has done nothing except accept Jason's tutelage. But why wouldn't she? It's her future, her potential career. I wouldn't expect her to reject that. I just thought that Jason would have taken us both under his wing. He didn't, and that's what killed me. Even today, when I asked him for keys, he said I had to wait because he needed to go show Elizabeth something. They weren't in the middle of anything yet. It would've taken him two minutes to unlock the cabinet for me to get keys, then he could've gone and taught Elizabeth whatever it was she needed to learn. But instead, he forgot about me. I didn't wait for him to come back, though. After he walked away, I found Alycia and had her get me keys. Hours later, after Elizabeth yelled at him for me, he was like, "Oh shit, Liz, I forgot." Yeah, no fucking shit, you useless piece of fucking garbage. I'm so done with him. He tells me I'm one of his peeps and that he doesn't hate me and that he thinks I have what it takes to move up at work, but the way he acts, I don't believe it. He does nothing for me. He took care of a couple of my absences, but I know that was just to shut me up so I don't go bitching to Andres or Tim about him fixing Elizabeth's absences. But it's whatever. I want nothing to do with that asshole anymore. He can take his stupid fucking head and shove it up Elizabeth's ass and the world will keep revolving.