Over the break, I was invited to the Honor Program at college. Today, I was invited to the Phi Theta Kappa Honor Society.

Now this is what I used to be like. I used to be smart. At Lincoln Hayes Elementary in Connecticut, I used to be student of the month a lot and got on the principal's list all the time, or something like that. I was always getting awards for being so smart. And I did I think at least once in middle school here in New York.

Maybe this is a sign of the apocalypse. I'm smart again. Ha.

But I'm stupid. I got locked out of my e-mail address during the break, so I couldn't get any letters of recommendation for the Honor Program. I learned on Monday, though, that I wasn't really locked out, and that I was just being stupid... And it makes me mad now. If I sent in my application and essay, and got the letters of recommendation in, I probably would have been accepted. It makes me so mad. I don't think Phi Theta Kappa is as good as the Honor Program. 'Cause if you're invited to PTK, you pay the sixty bucks and you're in. If you're invited to the Honor Program, you still gotta apply and get accepted. And, my friend's in PTK. Sure, she knows how to make it look like she's book smart. But she's stupid otherwise. And... Nevermind. I'll not get into all this here.

So. Yeah. I've had stomach pains pretty muchly all week, and back pains since about last Saturday. Not to mention I'm still not any better when it comes to the Ethan B situation. Oh, yeah, you wouldn't know about that. Lemme tell you a little story...

Once upon a time, during the Fall 2010 semester (my first semester here), I joined the theatre group as a techie. I worked back stage. And so I met these two very interesting guys.

One was Victor. A cute, funny teddy bear who gave awesome hugs.

The second was Ethan B. A creeper that could make people laugh.

The minute I saw Victor, I liked him. He was cute. The minute I heard of Ethan B, I was creeped out. It wasn't until a while later, when his hitting on me didn't creep me out, that I developed feelings for him.

Sandra, who was my best friend at the time, helped me decide. She said she kinda liked Victor too, so I said I'll like Ethan B instead. I couldn't decide, but I wasn't going to like the same guy she did. But after a little while, she got over Victor, and I heard that he liked me.

After things between Victor and I didn't work so well, I was a little shaky. He ended up jacking off on my couch, and I ended being devastated (stupidly) 'cause things didn't work out. But through it all, Ethan B was there for me. Yeah, I knew he was just trying to get in my pants (he was a twenty-one-year-old virgin trying too hard to get laid). But I wanted to believe he actually cared.

Well, he and I always fought. Or, more like I always yelled and bitched at him. I'd accuse him of not caring when in reality he did. Other times, I thought he cared when in reality he didn't. It was a complicated mess. And by the Spring 2011 semester, he was fed up with me, and I was just a horrific mess. I wanted him. I loved him. But I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with him.

I thought we were friends when the semester ended. I thought it was just all whatever between us. Then he deleted me off Facebook. I didn't realize this until the beginning of the Fall 2011 semester. And I tried to ask him why. What had happened between us, if it was something I did or what. He ignored me. Blocked me. Avoided me.

Well, that made me even more mad, and even more desperate to know the truth. But the more I pursued him to only discover the truth, the more he ran away. It got to the point where it was like I was stalking him. But I wasn't. I only wanted to get closure.

And that's all I still want. In my heart, I'm still begging for him to talk to me. To tell me that he was running away 'cause he really loved me too. In my mind, I know he's just the biggest asshole for treating me this way. But in my heart, I know that it was me who was the asshole to him. But my mind knows he's not good enough to deserve someone like me. My mind is ready to move on and wants nothing to do with that worthless fuck. But my heart needs closure before I can fully move on. I'm torn. And still, even after everything that happened last semester, I'm still attached to him. I never even kissed him. I wish I did, 'cause I feel like everything would be so much more different now if I had. I never slept with him. I wish I did, too, 'cause I know for a fact things would be different.

I don't want him now. But I wish I had him then. And I wish I could at least be his friend. He was good at being a friend. He was there when I needed him.

And even though I've tried, I can't get him out of my mind. First was Ethan C. Then Chad. Then there was Timothy (first kiss). Then there was James (second kiss). Then Ethan C again. Then Timothy again. Now no one. And it's when I'm alone that Ethan B drives me insane.