I don't really want to acknowledge this. McKayla told me to just let it go, and it won't mean anything to me. Rin thinks my mind just needs a few minutes to catch up with the present.

But last night I had a dream about Ethan B. It was a very direct dream. Jesus (a guy who works at the cafeteria who I may or may not have a little bit of a crush on, I really can't decide) and I were close friends or something, and he and I were going to go home together and hang out or something. Whatever the deal was, he was my ride home. And his ride home was Ethan. So we all climbed into the truck he apparently has now (at least in my dream he does). Jesus was being nice, and instead of cramming me against the door, he told me to sit in the middle. And I guess it was a usual occurrence that this happens, but this particular time, it was awkward to sit next to Ethan. (Because of the text he sent me in real life, I'm assuming.) But I guess there was something about Ethan's mom that got included in the conversation, and Jesus said, "Oh, you've probably already met his mother," to me. I told him that we got close to that, but it never actually happened. Or something to that affect...

Then in another part during this ride, Ethan was talking to me (I think for the first time that entire ride/dream) about me having to be ready when something happens. I almost think he was talking about how I can want things, but when the guy is ready to do something, I have to be ready. I'm not sure what that was about, or exactly what the conversation was about. It was odd. And then (sometime after  Jesus was already dropped off at I guess his house), I was wondering if Ethan was going to drive me all the way home, 'cause he just kept driving. I was wondering if he even knew where I lived, but then I decided he's probably going to drop me off at the library like always, and just in time, he slowed down to let me out. Before he pulled away, though, he looked right at me and asked me what I meant when I told him I wanted to be set free (referring to my dream's version of the text message I sent him in real life a couple weeks ago). I told him that I've been mesmerized by him, and that I wanted the ability to make the choice myself if I wanted to hate or love him. Then he asked if, now that he has set me free, if I that was what I really wanted. I looked straight into his eyes, and told him I honestly didn't know. Then I walked away, and he drove off.

Then, in the dream, I proceeded to go into the library where I found Sammy doing her French homework. And it was at that moment that my alarm jolted me away. I actually jumped when it went off, which is really unusual.

I'm not sure exactly what this all means. It's been bothering me all day. But it seems so clear. I honestly don't know how I feel about this whole closure thing. I wrote on my dry-erase board last week "Smile... You're finally free" with a butterfly. It was all pretty and stuff. But I guess I don't know if that's what I wanted or not.

McKayla thinks I should just stop obsessing over it, and it won't mean anything. Rin thinks that my mind just needs to catch up on the fact that I am happy. I just need to give it a couple minutes.

I don't know what to do. I guess I should say, I know what I'm going to do, but I don't know how it's going to work. I'm going to keep focusing on other guys. Jesus and Amine for two. I'm not saying that anything is going to become of it or anything, but I like talking to Jesus and flirting with Amine. And they're guys that take my mind off of Ethan.

Honestly, I don't want a relationship with Ethan. I just can't stand how much of an asshole he is. He makes it look like I'm trying to make his life hell. I'm only trying to fix mine. I only wanted a reason why he didn't want to talk to me. Closure. But he just made it worse. Fucking asshole.

Why are guys so stupid?!?! GAH!

Oh, and I was swearing a lot in front of Jesus today, and I guess he heard, and he was like, "What's with all this language?" Hahaha, it was funny :P And I guess Friday I looked lonely, 'cause he mentioned it to Rin. He's so sweet :) Hehe. And pretty adorable. He looks Indian, but he's a Puerto Rican from Indiana. He's so intriguing. He has this mellow, calm, passive voice. And he looks like such a... Not really nerd, but kinda of bookworm-type in his glasses. And he looks like he doesn't have much depth. Like he's just a simple and nice person. Not simple in terms of intelligence (he seems rather smart), but simple as in personality. As if not much bothers him, and he's content doing anything. But I guess, from what Rin's found out working and talking to him, that he's not really religious (but he believes in God), he's cynical, and he's pretty relax. Oh, and he's single.

I don't really know if I like him, or if I'm just curious to get to know him.