What the fuck have I done?

Wow, I've posted in the past month. A lot more recent than I thought. But there's pretty muchly only one huge thing that has happened. I let a fucking man from Serbia turn my life upside down. Partially in a good way. Partially not in a good way. And, I tore up my arm for Hanna.

A week ago, I was on Omegle. I was bored and procrastinating. I didn't want to do this assignment for Nutrition. I wasn't expecting to get serious with anyone on there. I just go on there, fuck with some people's minds, then get off. Usually by asking philosophical or deep questions. Sometimes, I just chat.

But there was this one, Lazar, and he said he was from Serbia, and that I probably have never heard of it. Well, I had heard of it. And he was telling me not to judge him from being from here. I told him not to judge me from being from this place called America. So we were talking and what not, and he asked if I had Skype. Stupidly, I said yes.

So we start talking. He has a picture of himself as his display picture. And, boy... He's attractive. But he wanted me to go on cam so he could see what I looked like. And he said the most adorable thing...

"i don't care! you girls are complete idiots, really.... i don't care if you're wearing makeup or not, if you haven't slept enough, if your hair is messed up, i just fucking wanna see you? is that so hard to understand?"

So, needless to say, he finally convinced me to go on cam with him. And he's just so much more attractive. He's Serbian, but I guess Serbia is similar to Russia, and I have a definite thing for Russians... He just has a complete, unfair advantage.

So we're talking, and he keeps trying to get me to flash him. That's a big no for me. And, like... Talking to him is so stressful. He says the sweetest things, but keeps demanding I flash him. I just don't understand. Part of me wonders why he's doing this. He hasn't gotten anything. He keeps getting closer to my breasts, but I keep pushing him away. If he really only wants one thing, wouldn't he have given up by now? It's not like he needs me. He did a Finnish exchange student the other day. (Yeah, I'm not really the biggest fan of Finland right now.) So why is he being so persistant? The other part of me knows he's only after one thing, and he'll stop at nothing to get it. I just don't know if he'll leave once he gets it or not, though.

He broke through a huge wall last night, though. I really like him. He knows this. He says he really likes me, too. I don't know if I believe that. But we were talking about how he was adorable, and he told me to adore him. According to him, adoring is loving that you love someone. I didn't know what to say. My mind instantly agreed that I adored him, then I realized what that meant. I was a little speechless (like I am sometimes when he says the most romantic things). He knew what I was thinking. He just wanted me to say it. I told him I was way too scared to say it. Those three words hold so much power. I didn't want to give him the power. He finally coaxed it out of me. And I said it. The first time I ever really said those words to a guy in that manor. I texted it to Ethan once. Telling him that I loved him, or something. But I never said those three words, present tense, to a guy that I actually meant it to. Typing it was hard. Hitting enter was damn near impossible. My heart nearly sank. I couldn't breathe for a minute. I really, honestly, couldn't breathe, and I felt like the three words took the air from my lungs. He smiled. Then, he said it, too.

I love him. That part, I know. But am I in love with him? That part, I don't know. Loving him is different than being in love with him. See, my problem is that I fall too quickly for guys. My heart skips beats all the time. Thinking of Rafael (a really attractive guy in my Philosophy class) sometimes gets the same reaction. My heart skipped beats for Ethan, James, Chad, Vic, and many other guys. So how can I be sure this isn't just a temporary infatuation? I know I loved Ethan. I'm fairly certain about that. I'm okay with that, and I've moved on, even if it still hurts a little. But it scares me when I think about Lazar. He's going to be the reason I go insane. No doubt about it.

He's so... Complex. One minute, he's saying something romantic, helping me slowly and carefully take down the walls I put up to protect myself from the guys that I fall so quickly for. But the next minute, he's trying to run a wrecking ball into my walls. I'm terrified of him sometimes. Too scared of him to be comfortable around him. I'm afraid of what he's going to ask next. And I'm not afraid to say what I want to him, I just don't know how to convince him that I'm not ready to flash him. I don't know if I'll ever be. He keeps telling me that if I really did love him, I'd do it for him.

And you know what the biggest problem of this entire Lazar situation? He's come between Hanna and I.

The day after I met him, I was torn and confused. I couldn't think straight. I wanted to just be his friend. I wanted him to stop asking me to do something I didn't want to do. We had a rough night that first night. I didn't know who else to turn to, so I turned to Hanna. She understands online connections better than any of my other friends. That is where I messed up.

I shouldn't have involved her. Because she instantly hated him. I don't blame her. If the situation was reversed, I'd have half a mind to track him down and feed him his own balls. But she doesn't understand how I feel. I personally don't even understand how I feel. I've known him for a week.

But last night, her and I got into a huge fight. She was hurt and disappointed because I was still devoting my time to him. I was trying to help her with her homework, but I wouldn't even stop video chatting with him to help her. And I understand her point of view. She always tried so hard to talk to me. If she skipped school to talk to me, I'd punish her by not talking to her. If she ignored her friends to talk to me, I'd punish her by making her go hang out with them. She would find anyway to talk to me, and I'd always have rules as to why she couldn't talk to me. Not while I'm in class, not twenty-four-seven, not when I'm with my friends, not when I'm at work, not when I'm at home... She went out of her way to talk to me, and I blew her off. Then, I went out of my way to talk to him. Stayed up all night. Went on Skype during class, even though it meant getting kicked out of class if my professor caught me. She was always there for me. And he only put me through stress.

But, she doesn't get my side of the story. She broke my heart with the Mattie thing. I almost stopped talking to her. I was mad, and hurt. But we worked past it. Then, when she did it again, pretending to be a guy named Josh. I gave her plenty of opportunities to come clean, and she wouldn't. That's when I nearly ended it with her for real. I put her on tight restrictions, making her purely an online-friend.

But, when she was Mattie, I gave up more than what I've given up for Lazar. I lost so much more sleep. My grades suffered for a longer period of time. I even went out and bought a pre-paid cellular just to talk to her, because I was running up the minutes on the cellular my parents pay for. I spent my own money to talk to her. I did so much more for her. And I don't regret doing any of that. She was a fragile, hurt child who needed someone there for them. I was that for her.

But now, she won't reason with me about Lazar. I try to tell her that she means so much more than him. She means the world to me. She's one of my best friends. I can't lose her. But I need her to understand my situation. She won't. And it's frustrating me. She wants me to actually stop talking to Lazar completely. I don't know if it's because she doesn't like how he's taking me away from her, or if she doesn't like how he treats me. I don't know. But I don't want to ask. I just know that I'm going to have to learn how to juggle Hanna and Lazar. Because neither like it when I hang up with one to talk to the other... I can't choose between them. I'm just going to end up going insane. I really just can't make the decision. I love both.

And what really bothers Lazar is how he keeps begging me to flash him. He says he needs it. He says it's not all he wants, but he does want it, so desperately. I keep asking him to wait, because I'm not ready, and I don't really want to flash him yet. And I think it wouldn't have been that big a problem if I didn't do something for Hanna.

A while ago, I promised her that if she ever cut herself, I'd cut myself. I've done it before. I tore up her ankle. I poured boiling water on myself. I did it as a way to get her to stop. She didn't want me to do it, but I was stubborn. So she finally stopped hurting herself. But last night, she cut herself. Over me. So I cut myself. I took a razor (which was nice and sharp), and cut my arm. I did a pretty good job, I think. Not as good a job as I did on my ankle that one time. That was a bitch. What I did on my arm is a bit cleaner, and a little more spaced out. But it still hurt.

And, stupid me, told Lazar. I told him I did something bad, but I didn't think I should tell him. He forced it out of me. I told him I didn't know if he'd know what it was, because I didn't know if it was just an American thing. He knew what it was... And he was not happy. He wanted to see, but I wouldn't show him. I didn't want him to freak out on me... anymore than he already was.

But he was reasoning that if I did something I didn't want to do because I promised Hanna I would, it wasn't fair I wouldn't promise him something, too. He'll never understand that. And I think that's why, now, he's so adamant about me flashing him. I honestly think I'm driving him crazy. Not just mad, but like... I feel like he really is going crazy. I keep getting closer to doing it, then I stop. I get distracted, and we lose all progress. I'm afraid of him winning...

But you know what I'm more afraid of? I like cutting. I really do. I like the feeling. I like hurting. I hate cutting, I hate the reasons, I hate how people do it because it "makes them feel better". It doesn't make you feel better. It doesn't solve any problems. It doesn't release any stress. It doesn't feel good. It doesn't make my outside feel as bad as my inside feels. It just hurts, plain and simple. And the more I do it, the more tempting it is to do it again. I need to be strong and not do it. But when I cut my ankle for Hanna last time, it was hard to stop. I did it a couple times within that week. I think I could get addicted to this if I let myself. So I need to be careful. I find myself thinking about it a lot since last night. I want to do it again. I almost asked Hanna if she cut herself again, so I'd feel like I had a legitimate reason to cut again. This is a dangerous promise...

But I'm a dangerous person. And I feel like I'm going to go down a bad path if I don't watch myself. And I'm terrified. And the one I feel like I love is so far away. He's like twenty thousand miles away from me. I need him here. That's why I didn't want to love him. I didn't want to fall for him. But he kept encouraging it. He kept insisting it'd be okay if I did. He wanted me to. And I did. And now I'm afraid that it's going to hurt more to love him. I look at him on the screen, and I feel like I would do anything to be there next to him, snuggled into his arms, hiding from the world, resisting the temptations of the razor...

What the fuck have I done? I can't undo it. I can't forget he exists. I can't un-love him. I can't take back how I feel. I probably can't fix what happened between Hanna and I, either. I've fucked everything up. I wish I set a save-point in my life to right before I met him, and that I could go back to that point.