You know what just occurred to me last night? I've been into self-injury for a while. Yeah, this is really fucked up. But when I was a kid, I remember this one time when I was in time-out... You know the canisters of coffee, the ones you need to open with a can opener? Well, the top that was cut out with the can opener was laying on the counter next to where I stood in the corner. And I was mad or something, so I slid my thumbs along the sharp edge of the metal top. And I cut my thumbs. I did it on purpose. I knew what I was doing. And it hurt like a bitch. And for the next few days or whatever, I remember having a hard time eating peanuts, 'cause they were salty. Why I did this, I don't really remember. But I remember doing it. And it gets me thinking... That's exactly what I'm doing now with the razor.

And another thing, I love chewing my tongue and the inside of my cheeks. I love making my tongue bleed. I love the pain. More so when I was young, I would stand in front of the mirror and check out what I was biting off. I don't understand why I do this. I've just always done it.

Is this not something to be worried about? I don't know.

You know what I do know, though? I love Lazar. And it's not fair. What good does it do to love someone like this? It wasn't supposed to happen. When I talk to people on Omegle, it's just for quick entertainment. When I add them to Skype, AIM, or Kik, it's usually just to talk to them for a couple days, then forget about them. Hanna and Lazar are the only two exceptions. I finally cut Hanna out of my life. (After like three failed attempts in the past.) But Lazar... All I want to do is talk to him. I can't believe I've gotten this attached to a guy I met online, and this quickly. The Matt/Hanna thing was different, because it wasn't an online love thing, it was an online friend thing. But with Lazar... I didn't mean to fall for him. I didn't mean to love him. I never meant to get any closer than a few conversations. When I first met him, and he said he was from Serbia, I was thinking he was from the Middle East or something. Usually, I don't stay connected with people I meet online from that area. But then I realized Serbia wasn't in the Middle East. But still, I didn't expect to get this involved with him. I should have just stopped this before it got too far. I shouldn't have ever given him my Skype username. But I did. And now I can't undo it.

Gah! Do you know how sick of this I am? I was laying in bed last night, and I couldn't sleep. I was snuggled up to my teddy bear, but I didn't want my teddy bear there. I wanted Lazar there. I wanted to be snuggled up to him last night. I was so mad. I threw my teddy onto the floor. And I had a very hard time falling asleep. I've never felt that way before. What the fuck is he doing to me?? I still don't think I'm in love with him. I know I love him, but that's different than being in love. I love him. That's it. Until I'm able to spend time physically with him, I won't ever be able to be in love with him. Simple as that. And especially not until we start talking more. This talking to him every few days is killing me. I need him. I need to talk to him more. I just need him next to me. Fuck this shit! Fuck distance. Fuck the Internet. Fuck love. Fuck feelings. Fuck everything! It's just not fair!

I hate the universe. It's cruel and unfair.