This is really bad... I fucking love him. I really do. I can't stay mad at him long, because he just makes me smile too much. And it's just not fair...

And, Hanna and I had a huge blow-out... I think it was Friday. I deleted her and blocked her from Facebook, even. I was so tempted to tell her that the only good thing would be not having to feign interest in her life anymore. But I stopped myself and didn't say a word as she threw the insults at me. Then she texted me today apologizing for what she said. At this point, I don't care. I'm done with her. She's just been too much stress in my life. And I don't care to talk to her anymore, unlike Lazar. I want to talk to him.

The past four days he was offline, killed me. I cut my ankle again on... Thursday night, I think? I then fell asleep on my floor. I've really just moped around. I've just wanted to talk to him. But, at the same time, I was done with him. I was pissed. I was angry. I gave him what he wanted, and he left. Or, the other possibility was that what he got wasn't what he wanted. And I was mad either way. Then, there was that small chance that there was a legitimate reason as to why he was offline for four days. He was on tonight, and he said it was because the Internet in his dorm was down. Yeah, I guess I can believe that. But it still makes me sad, 'cause I just want to talk to him!! This is why I do not like online relationships. I want to see the guy I love every day. I want to snuggle up to him. I want him to hold me like we're the last two people on earth, and nothing bad can ever touch me. I need that physical support, in addition to the emotional support. I can only lean on my friends so much. I need a guy there for me. A guy I can be there for, too. He can't be that. Serbia is too far. He's far too far. And I hate it. That's why I don't like going online. Because I don't like falling for someone who I can't be with. I just want to forget he exists. Forget my feelings for him. Take my heart back and save it for someone closer. Because it's not fair to love someone so far away. It's just not fair...



On another note, I had a weird dream last night. I had a dream that I had twins. They were infants. And I went home for the weekend (like in real life), and I forgot them at college. It was so weird. It was like they were just dolls or something, not real babies. But it was weird, because I'm pretty sure they were real babies.

Then, I had another dream. This one, I can't really explain. It was just... Really creepy. Damn, why are my dreams so inexplicable and weird and creepy? What I wouldn't give to go back and relive a dream! Just to figure out what it was all about! Haha.



You know what I never talked about? My birthday weekend with McKayla and Jess! I had such a great time. It was nice to see McKayla again. I hadn't seen her since... July? Yeah. July. Her birthday. And it was so great to see her on mine :D Her, Jess and I just hung out the entire weekend. Doing nothing, but having so much fun doing it. I wish Sammy could've been there. But she had to work :( But her and I hung out today to make up for it :) I had a great time with her. My grandparents came over, too, and we had a mini-birthday party for my dad and I. We had cake :P Sammy felt kinda awkward, though. I felt bad :( But it was fun overall. Her and I just watched videos on YouTube, and played Sims. Our typical things to do together :P It was nice. I've missed her, too. They are my three best friends. Sammy, McKayla, and Jess. I'm glad they're all in my life. I just wish I could spend more time with McKayla and Sammy. I miss them! But it's okay, because I think we have a friendship that will never die. At least, that's how I feel.



Now, to get out of Skype and play Sims for a couple hours. Lazar's Internet keeps freaking out. He's offline now. I don't know if it's because his Internet won't let him go back on, or if it's because he gave up trying and went to bed. I kinda wish he at least said goodnight, but oh well. He does it a lot, and it's annoying! But I understand that his Internet is annoying. So I just let it go... And I play Sims. I love the Supernatural expansion pack! It's by far the best one yet. It's so amazing!!!! :D

Well, goodnight my readers. Sorry if I bore you to death. But I need to vent somewhere. And I can vent anonymously on here. And maybe someone will read it. I'm just in way over my head, and this is the only way I can deal with it. Besides cutting. Because cutting doesn't help. I cut my arm again Friday, too. So my arm is cut up pretty good, and there are a few on my ankle. Not deep, just scratches, but it was enough to sting and bleed. I'm too afraid to cut any deeper. But, if I don't stop, I'll probably go deeper and deeper each time... I'm scared. I'm going to dig so far down I'll never get out. And I'll dig so deep it'll never heal.