It's funny how easily you can control your own dreams. Just one night of thinking about someone, and just one counselling appointment talking about that same person, leads to that individual appearing in your dreams. In the exact way that I wanted.

I don’t know why I went to bed thinking about him last night. He just kind of popped into my head. I imagined that he would send me a text message, or Facebook message, saying that he was sorry, and I would respond with an apology as well. I imagined us two running into each other by chance and talking about what happened.

Then this morning, I was talking about him to the lady I meet with Tuesday mornings to help me get back on track with school (because this semester has been rough). She always asks if I’m feeling okay, and today I explained how I wasn’t done with life in general, but I’m done with life as me. She asked why, and among other things, I explained my failure at a social life. This includes things in Herkimer, specifically that guy I was thinking about last night before I fell asleep.

And that lead to a dream about him. It was wonderful but weird. I was somehow at his house, and he was there, but it was a really strange house. And somehow, his mother was there, and I guess she had a rule that he couldn’t have company twice in a row? Like, two days in a row. And she asked if we had plans to meet somewhere else tomorrow, and I told her that I knew about this rule and I respected it, but that I didn’t know what was going on with him and I, so I didn’t know where we would meet tomorrow. Or something like that. But then he and I were together, and somehow we reconciled. I’m not sure how it came up, but we were walking out of his house, ready to have sex. Because we both so desperately wanted to. We were walking to my house, and I just kissed him. We hurriedly made out because we both wanted to get to wherever it was that we were going to have sex, but he said that he had wanted to kiss me forever. I kept kissing him, but we kept rushing to that specific (but unknown) spot to have sex. I asked if he had condoms, and he said yes.

But it was just before we got to the place, just before I pulled him closer to me and said that this place (in my back yard, in the grass) was good enough, that I woke up.

I don’t really think I miss him, I just think that I miss what we had. I haven’t had that with another guy since. He was the first, really. I think I really did love him. I think we could have worked (even if for just a little while, because we are too different) if I was at a better place in my life. But really, neither of us knew what we really wanted in life, and we both ruined any chance we could have had. But I’ve never gotten that close to anyone before. I really trusted him. I cared about him, and there were times he showed he cared about me. And I don’t specifically miss him, the small-town boy that he was. He doesn’t necessarily belong in the country (because Herkimer/Mohawk wasn’t a rural town), but definitely in some small town. I love the city. So I don’t really miss him. I just miss what we had, and I keep attaching that to him. I loved the feeling of loving him. Maybe that’s what I loved; I loved the thought of being in love.

But whatever it is, I miss it. I want that back. I want something like that back in my life. I don’t want it with Hector, though. I don’t have the same feeling for him that I had with Ethan. I’ve had conversations with Hector like I’ve had with Ethan, and it just isn’t the same. I feel more afraid of him than attracted to him. But with Ethan, I felt more attracted to him. More connected with him. I trusted Ethan. I don’t trust Hector. When things got bad, I wanted to run to Ethan. In fact, I did. When Kayla was depressing me with facts about how Victor used me, I ran to Ethan. And he was there. And he knew I was in a bad place in my head, so he didn’t let me go home until he was sure I was okay. But with Hector, I don’t feel like that.

Maybe that’s what sparked these thoughts of Ethan. I wasn’t feeling comfortable with Hector, so naturally, I tried running to the only guy I’ve ever really felt comfortable around. I almost felt that with Vic, but after that night on my couch, my opinion of him changed. Ethan never did that. Sure, Ethan had his hands on me, but that was welcome. In fact, I asked for it again, though it never happened.

I would have given Ethan anything he wanted. Did he know that? I don’t know. Maybe that’s why he pushed me out of his life so abruptly. Maybe he was just as afraid as I was. I don’t know. I’d like to think that’s the case, but I will never know. He won’t talk to me; I don’t even want to talk to him.

I just want someone like him back in my life. And I’ve not found anyone close. Sure, there are guys I’ve found aesthetically pleasing, but no one that I’ve had the same connection with. Especially not Hector.