About four months ago I started a new job. About three and a half months ago this guy started working at the same place, same department. About a week and a half ago, I started talking to this new guy that I met on this dating website.

My coworker, John, is pretty awesome. He's adorable, has gorgeous eyes, is fun to mess with, can be caring (when he wants to be) but annoying at the same time. We get along really well, we have fun together at work, I've been told that we flirt a lot. But he is in a relationship. He's been friends with this girl for six or seven years, but in a relationship for the past two or three. She recently started working at the same place we work, but a different department. It has changed my friendship with John. It sucks. But he's also been getting less sleep because the girl doesn't drive. She's like eighteen or nineteen and doesn't have her license. So he has to drive her around. Seeing how she tends to work mornings and he tens to work nights, this is getting really difficult for him. One of our other coworkers, Chelsey, says that he's probably rethinking wanting to marry this girl. I really care about John. I've have feelings for him for a couple months now and it's been difficult to deal with. What, specifically these feelings are, I don't know. I don't know if I just like him as a friend and I like flirting with him and I simply don't want to share him with his girlfriend, or if I actually want more of a relationship with him. I do know that I hate his girlfriend, that I don't want her to work there anymore, and that I want our friendship to go back to the way it was.

And I've thought about it, and it really has changed. When I would say bite me to him, he would ask where. When I got annoyed with him about something, he would be like, "But you love me!" or "But I love you!" He doesn't say any of that anymore. He doesn't mess around with me like he used to--but he's also been more tired lately, and I guess sick, too probably from a lack of sleep), so maybe that's why. But still. I can't help but wonder what it would be like if he were single...

At the same time, though, I've been getting really close to this guy, Dillon. He's just so amazing. The way we connect when talking, the way he seems actually interested and like he really cares, the way he's taken the time to understand me and actually wants to help me. Like, I can't explain what draws me to him, but it's there. We've spent hours talking each night for almost a week, and like... I don't know. We've had deeper conversations than I've ever had with any other guy. I don't feel as strongly for him as I did with, say, Ethan or Connor or Damon. But I feel like there might be more of a connection. Maybe not more than Damon. Not yet. But I knew Damon for over a year before I cut ties with him. I mean, there are flaws about Dillon. He's way too hyper and random--and that's coming from me. He's friends with all his exes, and he has this desire to fix everyone--even other females. I'm afraid I'll be far too jealous to be with him. I don't know. Then there's always my fear of intimacy. With John, there's no prospect for physical intimacy. With John, it's all just an emotional bond. We're truly just friends and as long as he has a girlfriend, it will always be that way. But Dillon, he's single. So that's why Dillon is more intimidating than John. It's safe to like John because nothing can happen there. It's dangerous to like Dillon because that would mean doing things I've never done before. I'm the type of person to want someone I can't have, and if I accidentally like someone I can have, I fuck it up on purpose. Also, I work with John. He's seen me on bad days, and on good. I've seen him in the same way. Dillon and I are just at the online communication stage. John and I see each other several times a week. So that's another reason I'm less afraid of John than Dillon.

And, something I've recently began to worry about is if Dillon and I--or anyone and I, for that matter--become a thing, how will that affect my friendship with John? How should it, versus how will it? The way John and I are, I would not be okay with if I were his girlfriend. So do I want to be like that, flirting shamelessly and fooling around with another guy at work while having a boyfriend? I mean, it's not like we're doing anything really wrong. But it's still just weird.

Oh, and something else: John has begun booping me on the head like a kitty. This started a couple days ago. Every time he does it, I want to just grab his hand. And yesterday he had a rubberband around his wrist and I kept snapping it. He let me. Physical contact. This has increased since his girlfriend started.  I probably think too into every little thing with John...And, he wants me to play PlayStation with him. We're friends on PSN, and that happened after his girlfriend started. He wants me to play 7 Days to Die with him. He says he and I will play, and he'll make me a master so that I can play with Dylan and not make a fool out of myself. Like, he had it all planned out. And when I'm having a bad day, John notices and he keeps asking until I tell him why. He says he cares (which, one day, was the reason I was having a bad day). Like... Man oh man.

So, will I fuck things with Dillon up on purpose? Will John break up with his girlfriend? If he does, will I have a chance? Do I want to stay single forever just for the chance with John? Or do I want to go for something I might actually have a chance at? For the first week, the more I thought about Dillon, the less I thought about John. Now, the more I think about John, the less I think about Dillon. I don't know what the fuck to do. This is certainly a first--being conflicted between two guys like this. And I can't even have one of them. He's taken.

I think a common theme here is that I never know what to do, and I never have a clear path in life. I have no idea what I want or how to achieve it. And I'm afraid of taking chances if it means closing other doors. That what if in life has me so stumped that I do nothing, because what if it isn't what I want? I feel like I'm just wasting my life because I don't know what I want.

I just want to take a peek into the future. Maybe just five years. See what it is I should be working towards. Where will I be? What will I be doing? Who will I be with? I used to think surviving was the hardest part of life. It's a miracle that I've moved past that. Now, it's making decisions.