I came to the conclusion a short while ago that anytime I try to do something for myself, it comes back and bites me in the ass. So that's why I've stopped caring about full-time. I'm never going to actually get it. Kevin has no interest in being a mentor. Jason has no interest in mentoring me. My cats are old and my parents have no will to live, so by the time I'm thirty, I'll probably lose everything that means anything to me, so why bother trying to further myself? It's not going to mean anything. I already don't want to outlive my cats and there's no way in hell I can survive even a second without my parents, so there's no point.

And the worst part is, I've never felt so alone. McKayla is absent. Stephanie withdrew from me. John's a Danny Tanner Hallmark card, and I can't handle that. My mom overreacts and my dad's not comforting. I really don't have anyone to talk to who will listen and comfort me. Jason sneaks out to Elizabeth's car to comfort her when she cries. That's a part that I'm jealous of. I have no one and she does. She has a boyfriend, a manager, and a professor who care. I genuinely feel alone. Where is that other person who I'm supposed to be with? The person who is supposed to hold me when I cry and hate the people I hate and share late night secrets with. Where is he? I know he's not a she. I've contemplated that long enough and kissed enough women to know that it's not my thing. So how much longer do I have to go feeling alone and empty before I find that right person who lights my life and makes me feel complete? Have I already met this person? Is this person still in my life now, or is it someone I met when I was three? These are the kind of questions that make me so angry and anxious that make me want to throw break and tear things.

I really need a punching bag. Not only will it be good for my body, but I could really get some anger out. I feel like I only have one emotion: anger. Alex pointed it out. He says all I've been is angry for the past week. Stephane has pointed it out before, but long ago. I mean, I'll have moments where I laugh, but for the most part, I'm either stressed, angry, annoyed, or on occasions like today, empty, blank, or apathetic. I haven't felt content, peaceful, at ease, relaxed, or specifically happy, in a while. I mean, I feel complete and privileged when I get to hold either of my cats, but I can't take them with me to work. (Holy fuck, if I could, nothing in the world would matter. I'd be so happy and calm at work, it's not even funny. Oh, to be able to pet Princess and have her in my lap while I'm dealing with Straight Talk or asinine customers or useless managers...) I really need to see a therapist, talk to them and figure some shit out. But I just can't find the time. Working full-time hours (without full-time benefits, mind you) gives me only two days a week to do things, to be able to sleep in and enjoy not having to be out in public. How am I supposed to find balance while seeing a therapist? (Please refrain from pointing out that I often start work at eleven-thirty, noon, or one, giving me plenty of time to be productive in the mornings before work.)

How does an introvert with dysthymia (or possibly depression at this point) and anxiety schedule everything?

Oh, and to top this all of, I'm apparently a psy-vamp. A friend and coworker of mine who happens to be one as well has pointed this out to me, and tested and confirmed it. The other day, I was feeling tired and our other coworker was bouncing off the wall, so I drained his energy. I didn't tell him what I was doing, but the psy-vamp coworker asked if I had permission to feed. Confused, the hyper coworker said yes, so I put my hand on him. Immediately after, I had a small sugar high and his mood drooped. This kid is so oblivious anyway, that he wouldn't have understood what I was doing even if I had explained it to him. So, I'm beginning to believe that I'm a psy-vamp. I need to learn to hone these skills and use them to my advantage... And apparently, I need to find a battery.

But this whole me being a psy-vamp thing, does that explain why Zach, living with me, went to such a dark place? Cindy had said that the Zach who did what he did at the end wasn't the same Zach who worked there. She jokingly asked what I did to him. But what if there was an actual answer to that question? What if I actually drained him so much, I fucked with his mental stability? I worry about everything that I shouldn't be worrying about. I worry about things that I have no control over, things that are long since passed, things about which nothing can be done. I just worry way too fucking much. I'm worried about things Jason isn't. That's a quote of his, one that I use against Megan to annoy her. "You're worried about things I'm not." I had to throw that in there.

Much like Zach, Jason's on my mind constantly. It's just a thing.