It's just been a horrible few days. Ethan has been on my mind more than ever... And it's actually getting in between Rin and I. Ha. If only she knew... Maybe if she took her head out of her online world for five minutes she'd know what it was like to fall in love with a real guy, and what it's like to have to face him every day when he won't even look at you. It hurts. And I get that she's tired of hearing about him. But if I knew how to get him out of my mind, I would. It's a fight between my heart and mind. And like the Copeland song says, no one really wins this time. Oh, how true that is. But if Rin was any kind of friend, I'd make an effort to stop for her. But, she's not. I just can't stand her, really. And a few days ago when I thought she was being a true friend when she asked Ethan to actually talk to me, I realized a couple hours later that she only did that for her sake. Not because it would actually help me. Granted, I understand where she's coming from, but still. And she thinks she's the "nicest person ever". Her words, not mine. She's so fucking full of herself, it's pitiful.

Oh, and Thursday, we were waiting for the bus, and there were a few guys and a chick waiting, too. When we walked over, she was screaming and yelling about something. I don't remember what. And the entire time we were there, I only heard her voice. No one else's. And on the phone later that evening (she called 'cause she had a question about the homework in one of our classes), she mentioned that the guys waiting for the bus were loud and obnoxious. I was just... Baffled and confused. I never heard them over her voice, and she had the audacity to say they were annoying?? The fuck, man? I almost wanted to scream at her, "You fucking idiot, that was you who was loud and obnoxious!!" But I kept my mouth shut.

So Friday, Kendall found me. And we were talking for a little while in the cafeteria about Ethan. How I love him, or like him, and how he won't talk to me. He didn't really provide any good feedback, despite the fact that he's friends with Ethan. And he kept making comments about me being attractive and stuff...

The story behind him is that when we met our first semester here (Fall 2010), he mentioned that he liked me and started finding me places and talking to me. And then he went behind my back and got my cellular number from Zach. Zacheriah (as Gina and I would call him) and I went to high school together, and we were somewhat close friends during Chemistry in eleventh grade and our computer class during our second semester here. He's a fat loser who dropped out, though, and probably sits at home jacking off all day.

Anyways, Kendall was completely creeping on me that fall. And I would curl up on my couch and wish that Victor would take it all away. This was during the time I was really into him. Before the Ethan thing began.

It's funny. When the world bothered me, I wanted Victor to make it better. When Victor was the problem, I wanted Ethan to make it all better.

So anyways. Kendall and I hung out today... I couldn't really say no, 'cause I just couldn't. I have a hard time saying no sometimes. Hence a lot of problems in my life. But anyways. It wasn't so bad, until when he finally left to go home (we were walking after dinner, and he realized he had to be home to meet someone thirty minutes prior). He made me give him a hug, and then he told me my boobs were big... And then when he got home, he sent me a message saying I had a nice ass, too.

Sure, the compliments are good, but it makes me uncomfortable when he watches me or says things like that. I don't even like when Ethan watches me. Although if he wanted to make any comment (like he has in the past), or place his hand anywhere (again), he could. But that's not the point. The point is, Kendall has a habit of making me feel uncomfortable, and he knows it. And he exploits it. And now, I can't cry to Ethan when things get bad like I could when Victor was the problem.

But, I could probably go to Victor. I have before, even as recently as last semester. I miss that guy so much. He was a good friend, despite the him jacking off on my couch and trying to shove his dick in my face. So he has a dark side to him. He's still a sweet guy, and he was there for me when I needed him. And I know he will be if I texted him now, too. I just wish he lived closer. He lives in Vermont, but he's going to college in western New York. Still, I'm in upstate New York, so he's still too far :( I miss him.

Anyways. I'mma try to sleep again. I couldn't before, so I came on here to write this and eat a some Doritos. Mmm. The Cool Ranch flavor.

Wasn't it at some point in time called Cooler Ranch? I can't remember. This is irrelevant.

So, go listen to "No One Really Wins" by Copeland, and I'll write to ya tomorrow. Maybe listen to "A New Day" by Michael Logozar, while you're at it. You can find it on ReverbNation. The Copeland song, probably on YouTube. Anyways, good night!