What is my brain doing!

Mother fucker. A couple nights ago, I had a really sweet and romantic dream about a dark-haired guy. He and another guy were sitting at a table in a kitchen or something, in front of a fridge. I think there was a short, old woman at the fridge. And I kept walking by them, so eventually, I dragged the dark-haired guy with me. He was in a rolly chair. But I think we were flirting, and we didn't want to do it in front of the old lady any more, and I'm like, can I just drag him with me like this? What will the woman think? But I did. And I pulled him on top of me on a couch. And we were kissing. Or something. Like, hardcore, but sweet. Then we were in a bedroom. Naked. But we didn't have sex or anything. We were cuddling, and he was feeding me something. It was very sexual. But there was no sex. It was weird.

But, the problem is he had dark hair. Not the blond hair he should have had!! And I talked to Damon yesterday about how it bothered me that it wasn't him in the dream. He told me not to worry about it, but I did. It should have been him. Why is there a dark-haired guy in my subconscious? What the fuck, brain?

I was thinking maybe my brain just needs some time to keep up. I had this problem before, when I had a dream about Ethan after I decided I was over it. Rin had said that my brain needed time to catch up. So I was convinced that that was the problem. Or, because Damon and I just don't feel real. It still feels surreal, like it's impossible for someone to actually love me the way I've always wanted to be loved. Then, before I went to bed, I wondered if it's because my brain is trying to protect myself. I dreamed of that dark-haired guy because it's easier to use a make-believe guy than to actually admit that what Damon and I have is real.

And then last night I had a dream about his cousin Collin. His fucking cousin. I made plenty of references to Damon in the dream. Like, something about either he wouldn't know or he'd be okay with it or just plain fuck him. Because I really wanted to sleep with Collin. His cousin's a virgin, and like, I told him that I knew. He wouldn't sleep with me. He wanted to, but I think he was afraid because he was a virgin. And I'm like, we're the same in that aspect, you know. Like, I kept trying to seduce him.

Message received, brain. Message fucking received. I can't just say it was a random, faceless guy anymore. Collin wasn't the one in the first dream. I know that much. He was definitely in the second one, though. But fucking why? What the fuck is that goddamn brain of mine trying to tell me? It couldn't have used any other guy. It couldn't have been the same guy, or another faceless guy, or a guy I know from anywhere else in my life. It had to be his fucking cousin.

I really just don't know what to think about this. Or what to do. My subconscious is trying to tell me something. I"m convinced of that. I don't even think of his cousin that way. I never have. And I didn't think of him at all yesterday. Mother fucker.